PrincessPonyPartyAmazing

Good Bye NYC

2012-01-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

So here I am sitting in a hotel bathroom, eating pizza, drinking wine and thinking about the pie that I am going to eat later…still in the bathroom.

Why?

Its more of a "how to enjoy yourself in a hotel with a 2 year old who is already asleep" sort of thing rather than a "somebody call TLC. They have a new hit on their hands." sort of thing.

Tonight is my last night in Brooklyn…and NYC for that matter. Tomorrow, my daughter and I get on a plane to Los Angeles to meet my husband and start our new life.

Yikes!

I have been here almost 12 years. Everyone who knows me, knows that I have spent the last 5 years (at the least) saying how much I want to get out of here. I am not a fan of NYC. I was a fan when I was in my 20's and wanted to do comedy. I had a great time here in my 20's and I had a really great time doing comedy. Now, I don't know what I want to do and NYC isn't the nicest to those without a plan. Plus, my southern side yearns for a yard and screen door and less feces everywhere and less total subway asshole-ness.

Stefan has some amazing opportunities out on the West Coast and I like sunshine and fruit trees so we are heading that way. But before I go I wanted to say a few things about NYC and the life I have had here.

NYC

1. I love NYC public transportation, I just hate everyone on NYC public transportation.

2. I love being able to have 40 different cuisines available to me within walking distance. I'll miss you most of all Bahn Mi delivery guy.

3. Thank you NYC for telling me about a Bahn Mi!

4. I love…hmmm…I think that about sums it up. I kinda don't want to go out with NYC anymore.

My Life in NYC

1. I came to NYC to do stand up and did it and loved it…until I found sketch comedy and the ladies of MEAT…and then I realized what true love was. All of them. The original 6 of us and then the 4 who remained. Writing, performing, and just hanging out with these ladies make up some of the best times of my life and they have changed me for the better. I have their back in a knife fight any day of the week.

2. My sista! I have no idea what she thought of me before I got to NYC, but I was very nervous about her. We were always "sisters" but I never felt like I had a relationship with her past that. She and Lex let me stay with them when I moved here and one of the first nights there we worked a puzzle, drank wine, and watched Law & Order and my friendship with my sister began. I will miss being able to see her anytime I want but I know that I can pick up the phone anytime and connect with her again, which isn't something I could have felt ok doing 11 years ago.

3. Livia Scott is one of the most important people in the world to me...thank you NYC.

4. My life with Stefan. I met my husband here…of course while performing with MEAT. It was a sketch competition and on walks this group Elephant Larry and there he was in a dress speaking french. MEAT and Elephant Larry became fast friends and 5 years later, Stefan and I were married. What rocked about that wedding was it was exactly what we wanted and i think reflects the core of who we are as a pair…all of our family and friends in one place having a good fucking time. All because I came to NYC to stand up.

5. Holy shit! I had a baby here! She is a genius and takes after her Mama by being really good at puzzles.

6. My friends. I have been super blessed to have made so many good friends while in NYC. Our wedding is a testimony to the relationships that came out of my comedy life and my life with Stefan. Go back through the Pony and you will see how lucky Stefan and I are. While I may not be in the South, the South was here with me. There weren't many weekends where our backyard was not filled with friends and food and music. Katy Belle has had such an amazing first 2 years to be surrounded by so many people who I love and feel wonderful about influencing her…and mostly swearing…around her.

7. Family. You all know how I feel about my family. I love them. Thank you for sitting through so many sketch shows that probably made you very uncomfortable and always buying a ticket though you didn't have to. With Stefan, I gained a new family. We will soon be on the West Coast with his folks, which is great, but here on the East Coast, I have gotten to know his Aunts and Uncles and cousins and greats and other greats, and it has been wonderful. They have this Thanksgiving extravaganza that we look forward to all year. I am so lucky to have married a man with a really fun family. I am even luckier that he has a sister that I think is so awesome as well. All this, because I came to NYC to do stand up.

I guess what I am saying is the door is always open where ever we are. It is never too late to call…you just may get my stink voice if it is after 9pm. I promise that if I become friends with anyone famous I will introduce you and it won't be weird.

I may not be the best at the day to day, but if you need something, really, even if we haven't talked in a year, just call. Its cool.

Walking through our empty apartment today, with Stefan gone, and the snow coming down, I was hit very hard with the flood of images and memories of my life here. For all the times I was bent out of shape being somewhere I didn't want to be, I know that it is outweighed by how awesome my time here has been.

Thank you so much…especially to Catherine who brought me pie an hour ago, for me to eat in this bathroom.

For those of you in California, I hope you like BBQ and country music on Saturdays.

Here comes team EPIC.

I'll give you the bird

2012-01-03T19:04:00.001-05:00

Idiot: Biz, is it possible that you can hate a commercial more than the commercials you have already written about?

Me: Yes.

Idiot: Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it! She's giving him the bird but she means a drink. Ha ha ha! That was confusing but then I figured it out.

Me: (kicks idiot into a pool of man eating sharks)

If I was going to re shoot this commercial, I would make sure that you cut back to the bartender so you could see him pull a gun out and shoot himself in the mouth for having to even participate in this...this...I don't know what you call this...maybe a well of sadness.

Let's break it down, ok?

Duchebag 1: Hey, I think that girl is looking at you.

Duchebag 2: (look at her a little too long and in a slightly menacing way).

Duchebag 1: I think she likes you.

Duchebag 2: (Continue staring, think about how you can sleep with her in an unsatisfying way for her, probably involving sloppily pawing at what you think are her "lady parts" and then eat all her Sour Cream and Onion Sun Chips. She better have Sun chips.)

Woman: (Look around in a sexy way, but not to sexy, more like sexy but you don't care...ok...do the best you can...now give him the finger.)

Bartender: (Get your gun)

Duchebag 1: Man, did I get that wrong.

Duchebag 2: No you didn't. (Act really superior) She just ordered me a Wild Turkey. (Relish in the smugness of how much classier you are than your friend. Then wonder if you can keep yourself from getting so drunk that you wind up pissing in your sleep on this woman's stuffed animal collection she keeps as a reminder of when she had a chance to make her whole life different.)

I hope the ad agency who came up with this are all fired. Really...this is it? "uh, duh, how about we have people give each other the bird when they want a shot of Wild Turkey cause its the bird and the drink is named after a bird...duh, duh...and its dirty...duh, duh...let's put a record scratch in as a sound effect...people love that...MONEY!"

I am not even sure how to sign off on this post.

Biz

I Hate Another Commercial

2011-11-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

Big surprise.

As I have mentioned in previous posts on commercials, we watch most of our TV shows online. This means that when I watch the Daily Show or Colbert Report, I see the same commercial over and over.

For example, the Daily Show seems to advertise to 18 - 35 year old man children. You get up to 3 commercials for different products like trucks or video games, and you see those ads at least 4 times each during the program. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you get the same one back to back. Seriously.

To the ad seller's credit who has bought this weird time block, I do know your product!

Sadly, I HATE IT NOW!!!!!

Here is the one I currently loathe.

I did not start out hating it. The hate came after seeing in over 52 times in 7 days.

1. Who are these assholes who happen to be friends and bank at the same bank and all have the same instant pay on their phone?

2. What did they eat or drink? Look at the table? There are some water glasses and coffee cups, oh and CLEAN PLATES. Yell! Yell! Yell!

3. I really hate the wife of the guy who wants to pay in cash because she is all "I'll show you how later honey." If they are married she probably knows he doesn't have this APP and yet she didn't suggest that he get it before they go to dinner and wait a second, why doesn't she just pay his way? It just seems like some sort of set up to make her husband look like a jerk in front of their friends. To him, "Don't worry honey!" To everyone else, "Can you believe how STUPID he is!"

4. They are all dead. I mean it it. Where are they? It is a table in an empty room filled with light. You don't need food. You all have money in your account and you all have the same APP to give that money to each other. Only the one jerk doesn't have it, and he is also dead, but this is probably his hell.

Till next time,

Biz

Horse Ball Recipe

2011-11-04T17:17:00.000-04:00

I asked Katy Belle what she wanted for lunch (after she said "no" to a number of options) and she said "horse."

blink

Me: Ok, you will eat horse?

Katy Belle: Oh yes!

Me: Let's see what we have.

I suggested "horse balls."

Not only did she eat the horse balls she enjoyed dipping them in ketchup. Naturally.

My recipe is take frozen meatballs and call them horse balls.

You're welcome!

Yours in parenting,
Biz

It was the Day After Halloween

2011-11-01T21:03:00.000-04:00

...and you know what that means.

Its time for the Pony wrap up of BIZ AND STEFAN RUIN THE SLEEP OF PARK SLOPE CHILDREN: YEAR OF THE MUMMY EDITION!

Dashing aren't I?

So for those of you who are not aware of what Stefan and I have been up to the last 6 Halloweens, here is a link to last year which is filled with links to the past years and is a very enjoyable read as well.

LINK TO HALLOWEEN PASTS

Let's start with the concept and build.

The idea for this year was that we would build a tomb and Stefan would be a mummy and I would get to be Brendan Frasier. (dreamy)

As this would be our last year in Park Slope before heading West, we wanted to make it good. Good means lots of styrofoam and spray paint...LUNGS BE DAMNED!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Time to get started.

Time to get started who?

OH YEAH!

We find the best place to use a hand held jigsaw to slice through styrofoam is on the washing machine. First ignore the pesky water lines to the washing machine that may get in your way and measure once, twice and to hell with it...there is no way this is gonna line up.

You know why this looks level? Because the floor slants at a 2 inch angle.

(very scary Stefan.)

This is the scariest part...I AM RIPPING UP ONE OF MY FAVORITE WHITE SHEETS! AHHHHHHHHHH!

Actually, it had a few holes in it thanks to the spooky cats of...ummm...our apartment. woooooo!

Styrofoam is the best for fake building structures. You can etch whatever you want into it and shape it however you want. I have worked with it in a few theatre productions over the years but this was Stefan's first STAB at it and he was of course a natural.

Stefan had bought some spray paint that supposedly sprays on like sand...whatever that means...and it did work some to make the structure look like stone, but it ran out after only 2 walls.

So Stefan got a few cans of beige spray paint and thanks to the miracle of science, the stuff not only turned the blue styrofoam beige, it also ate into it like Alien blood through a space station.

(Looking safe in that mask Stefan....uh ha, ha, ha...cough...cough...COUGH! GASP!)

To hell with throw pillows and stuffed animals Katy Belle will never play with...let's make a mummy!

I am so domestic.

Once again, I have committed to making something I have never made before. This is in line with all our Halloweens, but I have never made anything like a mummy costume before...and after you see it we may decide I still haven't "made" a mummy costume, but like all my sewing projects, I love to just try whatever pops into my head. I figured I would just sew 3 strips together and then take each of these 3strip strips and wrap Stefan up and use the amazing self adhesive velcro strips that I keep a stash of (thank you sketch comedy background).

Are you ready?

Knock knock.

Who is there?

I have no idea.

I have no idea who?

Why are you asking me? I seriously don't know who or what the hell this is.

Impressed?

(cough)

How about now?

Oh yeah!

Now lets get this set up...somehow...in really windy weather, on un-level ground.

cough

You know what holds up unstable tombs? Toddlers.

That is the basic set up. Once it got dark we had spooky music, lanterns and sand.

Oh, and we had this guy...

We also had the CUTEST PUMPKIN EVER!

That is Penny Ruth Zalben and she was very brave in her dealings with the mummy. Of course what sort of Mama would I be if I didn't mention the cutest cat in the world and her first lollipop!

I call that video "Happiness." Man, everyday it just gets better and better...just like it does with this guy.

"Hello adventurers! Are you brave enough to help me explore the tomb of the Pharaoh Stefankamen? He was the most evil Pharaoh in all of Egypt who stole the candy from his people and was even buried with it so that only he could have it in this life and the afterlife! But I have found his tomb and I don't believe in curses or mummies, do you? I believe the tomb is full of candy. Who is brave enough to help me?"

Candy is scattered about coming out of the tomb entrance. (Ignore my adventure wine. This photo is out of sequence I promise , just look at the candy. LOOK AWAY FROM THE WINE!)

"LOOK! There is candy coming out of the tomb! Go! Claim your riches!"

Man, do I love Halloween. Look at the that. I'll wait while you bask in the screams of those children.

Heaven.

Now every year I worry we have gone to far...I really think you should go see the earlier posts....and every year I am reminded that people of all ages LOVE to be scared.

Take this 3 year old in a dinosaur costume. He grinned throughout the entire thing and when Stefan revealed himself, the dinosaur said "Hi Mummy!" in the cheeriest voice ever. He's eyes lit up and he even stopped by later to say goodnight. It was like Stefan was Elmo. He didn't know it was fake, it was just something he liked.

Now take this group of jaded, "too cool for school" teens. "Are you brave enough to enter the tomb of Stefankamen?"

Quick side note...there are a lot of ways to screw up that line and make it sound super creepy when said to teens. "Do you want to come inside and have some candy?" "Do you want to see the mummy? Just step inside here, sexy Minnie Mouse." "There is candy inside this room we made."

cough

Now I just do my schpeal...

...and....

....even sullen teenagers! Huzzah!

Now this little cowgirl was very brave but did not want to go up and see the mummy, but she was so polite the entire time. For every question, "Do you want to see the mummy?" or "Do you want the mummy to wave at you?" was met with a "No thank you." "How about some candy from my adventurer bag?" (I know sounds creepy)

"No thank you."

Do you actually want to hear some screams? How about see a REALLY sullen teen be totally unimpressed? HORRIFYING!

Good times.

So as I mentioned above, this is our last year in Park Slope before we move to California, which means this is our last Halloween here. Next to our family and friends who are here, I think I will miss this most. We don't get a big crowd, but we do get repeat visitors. Some of these kids started out 2 and 3 years old and are now 7 and 8. When October 1st hits, we start getting asked "what are you going to do this year." We hear comments about people's kids talking about this all year. One of my favorites was a mom and her 6 year old who explained that if we weren't set up by the time they got back from the parade "we go home and get our pajamas on and then come back!"

A lot of last night was just hanging out talking with some of these kids...the ones who were now 10, 11, and 12 years old...and explaining that we were moving and this was the last year. They weren't very happy to hear that but I suggested that they pick up where we left off and create there own Halloween trickery for the street. Two of them (featured in the above video) were taken back by the idea that they could do it and then there was a spark of interest that took over the doubt. Their normally non-smiling grandma even said "Why not?"

Man, how awesome would that be. I'll tell you. It would be very awesome. I know that Stefan and I started doing this because of the people who scared us as kids.

Regardless, this is not the end. By this time next year we may have a real house with a real yard and a real garage for set building. We will have a whole new group of old friends to help and hang out. Even better, we will have a whole new group of kids and parents who have never seen any of it and hopefully don't read this blog. I vote for "My brother Brian was bad and took all the candy. Let's look in this trunk and get the candy." (you better go back and read that old post)

A special thank you to our friends who joined us on the stoop. We will miss you.

Now, enjoy pictures of people having a good time....and I do mean me and Stefan.

(there is a bonus video if you make it to the end)

Knock knock.

Who is there?

My awesome kid.

These Cupcakes TASTE Delicious

2011-10-30T16:34:00.000-04:00

...but look like shit.

HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

cough

First off, it is the day before Halloween and there is snow.

California, you just got really good looking.

If it had not been snowing, we would have been building the tomb for our Halloween fright fest. With all this sudden time on our hands we decided to make Halloween cupcakes.

Katy Belle has been into helping and Stefan was on hand to help as well so these cupcakes were are real team effort...until the decorating.

I did that. That's a pumpkin. Obviously. Want to see more?

Stefan asked, "Is that a skeleton hand?" I said, "No. That is also a pumpkin."

Next.

Spider.

Next.

It says RIP. You decide if I meant rest in peace or not.

Next.

That one has a dot on it. The random toothpicks you see are for keeping the saran wrap elevated enough to keep the cupcakes fresh and not destroy my amazing design work. Yes, I was too lazy to take them out for photographing. Stefan says they help.

NEXT!

Witch. A lady witch. You can tell by the eyelashes.

Next.

When I started this one I was going for tombstone but then made it a ghost. I do weddings, FYI.

Neeeeeext.

Alternate Universe.

Finally, my favorite. Stefan never saw this one coming.

Stefan: Is that the face hugger from alien?

Me: (sort of sadly) No, it is a cat.

I am amazing and you know what? All looks the same in your mouth.

Charming as always,

Biz

My Father Had A Dream

2011-10-29T18:54:00.000-04:00

It was that I, my sister and he won the NY State lottery tonight.

He called yesterday and said "I had a dream." The first time my father ever told me he had a dream that involved me was when I was about 8 years old and played little league baseball. I was one of 2 girls in the entire league and was forced to play right outfield. I like to say forced because that is what my memories of that time tell me was the case, but I probably just stunk at little league baseball.

Anyway, it was the day before a game and late in the afternoon. I was playing in the den when Papa came lurching out of his bedroom and said "I had a dream. Pop fly."

Me: What?

Him: Pop fly, pop fly. I dreamed you got hit a pop fly and missed. Gotta go practice pop flies.

Me: ummm...ok.

So we go out to the field behind the Jr High and he starts hitting me pop flys. For those who don't know the term, it is where the hitter hits the ball super high into the air and it comes down almost right on top of you.

I was pretty much like every awful 8 year old and thought he was crazy and I was bored and really did not give it much effort. "Why is my Papa hitting balls at me?" I never got a ball hit my way. EVER. I could be watching Fat Albert right now.

The next day we are at the game and I am out in right field and you know what happened?

Pop.

Fly.

Right to me.

It was like a scene from The Natural. Everything went slow motion. I turned to see my Papa stand. I turned back to the ball which was arching my way. I got myself ready, reaching toward the ball with my glove positioned just so and...I missed it.

I come from a family of "dreamers." There are lots of stories I could tell you about me or my mom or my sister or my father having a dream that came true in some way. There are lots of old ghost stories and "weird" moments that have been passed down through the family and have happened to me personally. However, we aren't the kind of people who think we are phychic or would really go see one in seriousness. We aren't crazy people...I think we are just Southern.

All I know is that I made a promise to myself a long time ago that when my Papa calls me and tells me he has had a dream, I listen.

My family, we don't play the lottery. In fact, I personally have never bought a lottery ticket in my life unless you could the once or twice a year I get a scratch off ticket....but my sister went out yesterday and bought 30 tickets. 10 for each of us. She trusts, like me, that when someone in the family calls about a dream, you don't question it, you just do it. Today is her birthday and might bring a little extra luck.

Like the NY Lottery saying goes...you never know.

xoxo, Biz

Guess who has a screw loose?

2011-10-21T15:08:00.000-04:00

This girl.

Blink

Well that can't be good.

Those are 3 of my 6 dental implants (see past post about my Nightmare On Elm Street mouth HERE). You and I may not be "professionals" but we can probably agree that something seems to be a little "off."

What was that camp song about Magaleena-hagaleena and "one tooth pointed north and the other pointed south?"

Yes, one of my implants decided to head north and into my sinus cavity. Go on, look at the picture again...I'll wait.

Actually, maybe this isn't worth sharing. Maybe this is too much. Let's just wash your mind clean of the above horrific image of a screw lost in my head with this...which I think is much worse.

Now, doesn't that make my little problem seem more reasonable?

blink

Basically, the implant somehow made its way to where it is now, though I remember no specific event that moved it. We know it happened in the last 2 months since it was fine when we x-rayed it in August. My dentist, 2 oral surgeons and an Ear, Nose and Throat guy all seem baffled. I am getting a cat-scan once my sinus infection goes away so we can get a really clear idea of exactly where it is, meaning is it partially imbedded in bone or has it totally worked its way out and, as the ENT says, "rattling around in there."

This ENT is the same one who suggested that one option is to "leave it there, you know like soldiers who have bullets or shrapnel floating in there head."

As soon as I get the Cat-Scans I'll be getting a 2nd opinion...and probably a 3rd. I am probably also not going to wait as long as the ENT suggested to to get the cat-scan because the latest joy is I can feel it "rattle" when I run, jump, or any number of things I do with a 2 year old. Rock and roll and good times and all that shit.

Here is to hoping I don't get in a fight or make out with Magneto. Right? Right? High fives!

blink

Sigh, if you need me I'll be making a quilt following no sorts of instructions at all. That will make me feel better.

xoxo, Biz

Bitches Can't Make Coffee.

2011-09-02T15:06:00.002-04:00

I wake up every morning SO GLAD that I'm not a man who married a woman who can't make coffee. If I had a time machine, instead of going back to the night Frampton Comes Alive was recorded (like every other history buff), I'd go straight to every one of these ladies and yell at them. Their poor husbands, am I right?

-J.

LADY GAGA SHOCKS AGAIN AT VMA'S AS ACCOUNTANT - SHOCK LASTS TWO MINUTES, QUICKLY TURNS TO BOREDOM.

2011-09-01T22:28:00.012-04:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - It wasn't Beyonce's pregnancy reveal or Chris Brown's ability to make it two hours without beating up a woman that shocked the spangly audience of today's hottest musicians for two whole minutes at this year's MTV Music Video Awards, but the special much anticipated opening number by Lady Gaga, who left people gobsmacked as she took to her piano and started doing people's taxes as Dennis Colloroy, a self-employed accountant from Van Nuys, California. Among the people attending the show was candy-coated Pop Queen Katy Perry, who described the scene as "Really cool at first and then really super boring."

"Everyone was so super excited for Gaga to come out", Perry continued, "then she came out and we were all like 'Oh! My! God! She's an old man! That is so genius!' and then she started doing taxes and we were all like 'What's going on?' and then a million years went by and then I was all 'I'm going to change into my giant yellow block hat.'" Ms. Perry wasn't the only one to become frustrated. Lady Gaga 'superfan' Michael Kinsella, 16, scored tickets on his local radio station and flew all the way from Ohio to see the shape-shifting diva live. "I have followed Gaga's rise since 'Just Dance'. I feel like she really speaks to me. She's a true artist and I would literally die for her. But I was expecting more." Stacy Cornish, 16, Michael's best friend who got his other ticket remains blase: "Madonna's already done that. She's already done everything. Gaga's hella fugly. I went to see Kim Kardashian because she hella looks like a cat." Cornish and Kinsella were also accompanied by Michael's mother, Carol who exercised caution: "I just hope that everyone is safe and that we don't get mugged by 'rap people'."

At the beginning of her performance, Gaga - unrecognizable as Dennis - walked onstage wearing a New Era Factory Outlet suit in 'Patriot Eagle Brown' and a limited edition tie put out by Canoe cologne in 'Santa Fe Sage'. Carrying a briefcase and a take-out lunch from Baja Fresh, he paused and froze as the theatre erupted in cheers. He approached the piano, sat down and then opened his briefcase and proceeded to call production assistants from the wings one by one as 'Dennis' sat them down to talk about the grand scheme of their assets. "Dennis told me that putting that pool in for next summer is a bad idea. I don't have the money for it", said Cindy Ping. "Dennis has a point. He said that since my eldest son needs braces, swimming can wait until he's got straight teeth." Another excited PA receiving the sage advice from 'Dennis' was Conrad Skaar who said that he also benefited. "Say what you will about the meat dress and everything, but after looking through my receipts, she found a way to write off my trip to Burning Man last year. She should definitely stick with this. 'Pokerface' was okay, but the truth is, she's saving me money. I can buy a Komodo dragon!"

The audience waited several minutes for 'Dennis' to stop doing taxes so that Gaga would kick in and start singing, but it never happened. As ten minutes went by, Jay-Z and Kanye West got up to leave. Followed by Justin Bieber, his date, Foster The People, Young The Giant, Young Jeezy, Lil Wayne, Lil John, Kings of Leon, Queens of The Stone Age, and a lot of girls in tube tops. "I was literally upset", said Kinsella. "I literally died of being upset, disappointed and bored." He then went on to say how it was "literally, the worst thing ever to ever happen in the history of the world", before his mom reminded him of the Holocaust, 9/11 and his cousin Brian who can taste bitter things but not sweet things.

There were rumors that Lady Gaga and Madonna were going to team up for a rendition of 'Lady Madonna', but an insider quickly set things straight as he found out about the appearance of 'Dennis'.

Inquiries were sent to Gaga's team about the performance. They sent back the following statement: "If you wish to see Dennis, please make an appointment with Nancy and come prepared with all W-2's, receipts, 1099's and year end statements. Fight censorship. Fuck AIDS. Love, Gaga."

-J.

Did I show you this guy yet?

2011-08-30T13:36:00.000-04:00

I think maybe I posted it on Facebook, but this is a little guy I made last month out of scrap fabric. I am currently trying to get through all this scrap fabric so I can feel better about buying more fabric.

I suppose if I went into the fabric store with correct measurements of what I needed or GASP even a game plan, I wouldn't leave with random lengths of fabrics.

Anyway, here he is and Katy Belle loves him. She calls him the "bean."

He is pretty cute, no arms and all.

I made a thing

2011-08-22T21:39:00.000-04:00

And this time I don't think this post is going to funny because of what I made, but rather my natural wit.

cough

(Hey guy with the cough. Please leave.)

Ok, all 9 of you, here is the back story. About 2 months ago I realized that Katy Belle's birthday was just around the corner and I had no idea what to get her. Stefan knew he was going to get her some sort of amazing pirate ship, because, you know, she likes pirate ships. Stefan's parents were going to give her a rocking horse. My folks were going to give her a cooking set plus a monogrammed chef's outfit.

What the hell was I gonna get her? I started looking online and everything either looked too young or too old for her...or worse...looked like a pirate ship, a rocking horse, or a chef set. (awkward)

Oh my god, I don't know my child at all! Does she like cars? Dolls? Elmo?

Not really.

I was kind of thinking about a doll house. What was holding me back were the 800 tiny pieces that come with a doll house and in a rather small Brooklyn apartment all ready filled with toys, my potential annoyance with more small crap to step on outweighed my potential daughter's happiness.

Cough

(What are you still doing here?)

Even if I got her a doll house, was it special enough? Was I putting enough pressure on myself to set myself up for a lifetime of making too big a deal out of making sure that every gift I give my daughter is absolutely the most perfect gift ever that proves I love her more than life itself?

Yes.

cough

(HIGH FIVE coughing guy!)

I had an idea. What if I made her something?

No, this is not the funny part. It is NOT the Elephant. Click for sad post about elephant toy.

I had this vision. A vision of a play mat, with a road and a lake and maybe lots of green space that her toys could live on and walk down roads on and swim in lakes on. She has entered this phase of making her small toys "walk" and go "doo doo dooooo" along the couch. They could "doo doo doo" on a play mat!

Maybe something like.....THIS!

(I don't want to hear it coughing guy.)

I felt inspired. I felt empowered. I CAN MAKE THIS! This is the perfect project for me, the person who hates to follow patterns but understands the concepts of cutting out shapes and sewing them down.

Turns out, there was a bit more to it than that.

(pause)

(Longer pause)

Well, we're waiting.

Cough

First off this is not a tutorial but I will show you some of the steps I took to make the greatest gift ever made.

So I bought the materials: some quilt batting and green fabric and some cool material for the underside that we will look at later. I had all this felt already so no worries there. I cut down the batting to a manageable size and used that to do my layout. I then cut out the bodies of water because come on, you can't mess up water right? Right. I then cut out the road on some paper and taped it together to make the shape I wanted.

I then patted myself on the back for being so clever.

(Biz, you really are some sort of crafting savant. No one would care if you had a glass of wine now...at 2pm.)

So here is a close up of my cut out road shapes and then the shapes taped together.

It made sense to take photos of this at the time....could have been the wine...but now I look back and think any one of you 9 PPPA readers could figure that out. I apologize.

I will redeem myself and say that I did indeed have felt, but not as much as I thought. Why would I actually check my materials before starting a project I was going to make up as I went along?

cough

Oh excuse me, that was me. I had some felt caught in my throat.

So to make the most of my felt that was going to make up my road, and cut the paper road again, but this time in segments that I could pin down to the felt. I would then cut the felt in the same segments, sew them together, have no waste and BLAM! ROAD!

This is going really great.

Except that I ran out of brown felt...at night.

I live in Park Slope. I don't have a car. There is no Joann's Fabric or Micheal's anywhere near me. There are 2 sewing stores and they charge a lot for everything and have very slim pickings. It is cute stuff, but it isn't a ton of fabrics that actually save you money versus buying something already made.

Two days later...store one....no brown felt.

I have a baby and a tight schedule and its not like I can make the time to walk to this store with my 2 year old, not find what I need then easily jaunt off somewhere else to look.

Two days after this...I walked 12 blocks to store two...they had a different colored brown felt. BUT, it was a giant sheet and that made up for it not matching what I had already done so the road would not be bumpy with random spots where I had to sew felt together.

Roughly a week later...making up how I was going to sew it to the batting, then sew it to the vinyl type fabric I had for the back and give it a nice edge....ta daaaaaa.

cough

(jealous)

It isn't bad right? It's pretty good! I mean it is covered in cat hair now and milk and maybe a little pee, but scroll back up! Can you envision this on it?

Well, that is what I got her to go with it.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you The Play Mat aka This Is All Yours!

It has been 2 weeks and she still plays on it.

I just may have that Etsy shop that no one buys anything on yet.

XOXO,

Biz

A Toddler Walks Into a Wine Store...

2011-08-20T20:16:00.000-04:00

Good news! Not only is my 2 year old spewing words like a 18 year old man child spews beer at a graduation party, she is creating sentences! This really is great.

Here are two stories that sort of relate.

1. Over the past 48 hours, when she misbehaves and I have to raise my voice, she gets really still and bows her head than sloooooooowly rolls her eyes up towards me like Damien in the Omen as he rides his tricycle to mow his mother over the staircase. The worst part? I think it is kind of hilarious and fluctuate between "stern conviction" and "holy crap this is hilarious!"

2. I needed to run across the street to the wine store (not a weird statement if you live in Brooklyn. I could also "run across the street" to a vet, a grocery store, and comic book store, or a sleep apnea specialist.) Katy Belle of course had to come with me. So we walk in, she points to the wine bottles, says "Mama," makes the charades gesture for "drinking," and then says "ahhh."(like the sound you make after having a refreshing drink.)

Best

Mom

Ever

xoxo,
Biz

Stop Blasting My Face

2011-08-04T19:49:00.000-04:00

So we don't have cable. We enjoy watching out shows for free online. The downside is that we get the same ad over and over again. The Colbert Report runs the Fabreeze Murder Room commercial and you can see my thoughts on that in the previous post. The Daily show runs THIS ad over and over.

Maybe if I only saw this ad once a week it would not gnaw at me like a bug bite I have itched raw. However, I see it over and over again, sometimes back to back, every day when I watch the Daily Show and you know what I take away from it?

I take away that you should not use the word blast in relation to my face.

Dear Cover Girl, don't blast my face. Seriously. Stop blasting it. Are you leaving? Good...wait...what are you...GAH...stop blasting my face! I mean it. I don't like it. It is gross. Even drunk I wouldn't let you blast my face. Sounds dirty doesn't it? Yeah, I am guessing you think that it sounds sexy. It doesn't. It sounds like you are coming on my face. Don't.

XOXO,
A mother

You can hardly smell the death!

2011-07-29T19:41:00.001-04:00

Hi PPAERs!

My apologies. I have been busy ignoring the blog and lets face it...all other aspects of my "personal" life for more lofty ambitions like keeping my almost 2 year old alive and amused or sleeping. (I love you sleep.)

Now, watch this.

"The lavender scent really covers up the smell of the rotting corpses hidden in the couch."

or

"Surprise! Doesn't it smell great! Now we kill you!"

or

"You're right, it smells like lotion. Now it puts the lotion in the basket."

G R O S S (spell it out) My skin is crawling after watching this. There are so many things wrong with this commercial.

1. It looks like the kind of room that you will be killed in. It doesn't help that you are blind folded and disoriented by what you smell not matching what you see. Its like thinking you are drinking a glass of water but it turns out to be Sprite and then you are murdered.

2. You now have bedbugs. Trust me.

3. Calling this an "experiment."

4. Go watch it again. Pay attention to the two women at the end. The look on their face when they take their blindfold off clearly says "we are not safe." Then the blond says "hello?" How many horror movies start with a blond in an empty space saying "Hello? Helloooooo?"

There is something so violent about this ad. I mean have the creators never seen Law and Order SVU or, well, any other crime procedural on TV? This room looks like a season ratings booster "rape-a-torium" set where you aren't sure if our tough as nails heroine will get out alive so she can spend the rest of her life acting as if it never happened.

I want my spray smell to cover all my dirty little secrets which include and have included; cigarettes, weed, cat shit, dirty diapers, and chicken that should have been taken out two days ago. My list does not include crime scenes.

I would like the commercial more if in fact they were using the "Thai Dragon Fruit" scent (what the fuck?) at an actual crime scene or an embalming parlor.

Ick, ick and double ick.

All the "Meadows and Rain" in the world will not remove the stink this commercial has left behind.

XOXO,
Biz

What to eat after dental surgery

2011-05-27T19:30:00.000-04:00

Jello.

So I am going to share something very personal with you...all 9 of you who follow this blog. I have a horrible mouth. Horrible because of all the swears that pour out, but also horrible because of the severe bone loss in my gums.

I have been dealing with, ignoring, and then dealing with this for over, what, 20 years?! (older now)

To date, I have no upper teeth any more and only 8 left on the bottom. You name it, I have had it done...deep scaling, root canals, pulled teeth (4 while pregnant and under very little numbing,) bone grafts, deep scaling, gum tissue grafts...I have more cow and pig bone in my mouth than Dreamland BBQ serves on Friday night.

To add insult to injury, I am hard to numb and Novocain starts to wear off after about 30 minutes.

My periodontist does not even mention if I have cavities...what is the point? We are gonna probably pull that tooth eventually. HA HA HA HA cough.

I have grown to accept this. Sure, I take a lot of valium before I go in for a visit. I know that there is no appointment where I will not be told more bad news. It sucks and it hurts and yes it is like being in my own personal horror movie 3 to 4 times a year. No, they won't put me to sleep so I am aware of everything that happens.

For a while I was really embarrassed. Even though my dentist says it is mostly genetic, I couldn't help but think of this...

Here is genuinely the worst part. What do you eat after surgery? Some times I can only eat on one side of my mouth or only soft things...but this is usually for 3 to 4 days. Choices usually run from Jello to pudding to mashed potatoes to baked chicken cut up really small plus a nice soup. I can handle this. Who doesn't want to lose ten pounds...4 times a year.

But this time...this time it is brutal. I just got through with prepping my mouth for a full top implant. 3 hours of surgery, including such hits as drilling and hammering...HAMMERING! Did I mention i was AWAKE! CIA operatives have nothing on me. There is no secret I will ever tell. Hammering not bad enough? No, I can't wear my top teeth for two weeks (i'll wait for all grandma jokes to simmer down).

So for 2 weeks I need to eat...like an anaconda. Swallowing whatever I can whole.

Let me tell you about soft foods. They come in 3 flavors. White, pink, or brown. Barf.

"Hey Biz, how about ice cream! Yum! Ice cream all day and night! Ice cream for dinner!! High fives!"

blink

I am not 5 and even a 5 year old knows she needs more sustenance than ice cream. Plus, what red wine can I pair with ice cream?

It has been one week and I have one more to go. I am over pudding, jello, ice cream, mashed potatoes, smoothies and Ensure. I NEED HELP!

What can I eat? Tell me!

I don't need main courses. I have that. Risotto, soups, red beans and rice, etc. You need ideas for main courses, I got you covered.

I need snack ideas.

Right now I have roasted tomatoes, goat cheese on torn up Wonderbread (jealous yet?), baked potato with salsa, pumpkin pie, and...that is it.

I was just thinking a good BBQ sauce with white bread for dipping.

It needs to be soft and easy to make small and easy to swallow. Preferably something fast and savory.

Thank you,

Biz

PS. If you came across this because there is nothing out there for people like you, know that there are people like you...me. If you are young and have major dental issues, I have your back.

Let's build a playhouse!

2011-05-21T17:06:00.000-04:00

Or as I like to call it "let's try to stay married through this project!"

So here are all the pieces, obviously organized for ease of set up.

(awkward cough)

Here is my husband...confidence radiating from him...instructions in hand.

(awkward cough, cough)

Here is where the house will go.

Stefan with my power tools. I know, I should say ours, but I am sort of a jerk who clings to anything that is mine because someone might take it and never give it back or claim glory with it when it was mine!!! (second child syndrome. It may be time to go back to therapy.)

We get the base assembled with great ease and then came the entryway cobble stone that holds the 2 sides together. Take a good look at this piece. It looks innocent enough but almost ended our marriage.

After we got past that step, I got us both beers and yelled out encouraging "way to go's" and took pictures of snails that were suddenly appearing everywhere while he worked on the house.

"You are doing great Stefan!"

Snail

"Wow, it is like that drill is part of you! You are some sort of house building god!"

Snail

"That is really difficult what you are doing. I could never do that. You are good at tools and stuff."

Snail.

I decided to step in and assemble the "grill". This meant to put stickers on the plastic grill.

"I am going to ruin this!"

"Phew. I did it. Katy Belle will now be successful because I didn't ruin this."

Snail

Almost done, but of course this was when Katy Belle woke up from her nap.

So not seen here is me coming out while she ate lunch with Stefan and assembled the roof, fence and mailbox.

"Go me. You are great at prying that roof apart and jamming it on the house!"

Snail

"Who cares that there are 2 screws missing? No one will ever know...until Katy Belle steps on one and has to get her first tetanus shot and winds up in therapy or on the streets years later because of your neglect in keeping the screws together."

Snail

Ok, lets see what Katy Belle thinks!

Secret House from Epic Family on Vimeo.

Well, once again her excitement and joy knows no bounds.

Snail

Yep, that is one happy child.

xoxo, Biz

Guess who made Tea Towels?

2011-05-18T19:53:00.000-04:00

Not me! I made some things I am calling tea towels but Etsy still isn't beating down my door.

In my usual fashion of "I want to make that and not read anything about it or put in too much effort doing 'it right the first time,'" I took a stab at tea towels.

(Love saying tea towels.)

I had an old linen bed sheet that I wasn't ever going to use on the bed anymore (I am a bedding fanatic and that sheet was long gone out of rotation) but I had kept it around because of my new sewing passion.

Me: I am going to make some tea towels out of this shit! High five!

Cat: lick

Baby: Who cares. What is a high five?

In new Mom time, five months later, I pulled out the linen.

Here is the thing about linen...very hard to cut or sew straight. It has a lot of movement, which is polite for "why can't I cut a straight line in this sack of shi..."

I also decided this was a great time to take my first run at embroidery.

(cricket chirp)

What I am about to show you is shot just far enough away and folded just enough that you can't see all my beautiful fails...or the fact that the two tea towels are not remotely the same size.

Ok, you can tell they are not the same size. Yes, tea towel 2 did not get the same attention as the embroidered tea towel. It got the rick rack attack!

Also, what the heck linen! You are impossible to iron!!! You are my nemesis!

I am pretty pleased with the embroidery. It is going to look amazing scrubbing chili out of a pot.

In addition, I have been making felt, flower hair clips for Katy Belle who has no interest in them...like she has no interest in all my crafts I force upon her. My husband, however, looks lovely.

xoxo, Biz

When the end of the world comes...

2011-05-15T12:00:00.002-04:00

...next week, 2 days after my worst round of dental surgery yet...I will be happy I am not in a Ford Focus.

I was watching a few episodes of Supernatural on the WB website recently (we got rid of cable a while ago for savings and are very happy watching TV via computer through our TV) and they run THIS ad too many times...sometimes back to back!

Dear driver, your diaper is showing.

This makes me so angry. I am not sure why...oh I know why...just one more skill we can unlearn, making ourselves all the more perfect for our computer or alien or Jesus overlords when the end of the world happens.

When the shit hits the fan, I want to be in this...

Remember, there is no self parking on judgement day.

xoxo,
Biz

Urban Gardening

2011-05-14T12:44:00.000-04:00

I am gardening. Watch out! Since I take the same approach to gardening that I do to crafting (start reading instructions and then stop saying to myself "I got this.) there is a good chance none of these will survive the month.

I bought already started plants from Burpee.com. So here we have a variety of tomatoes (see note), 2 pepper plants and STRAWBERRIES!

Note: I have no idea what tomatoes I am growing. I forgot I had ordered the variety pack and threw out all but 1 of the tags that identify the plants. I know for sure that one is cherry tomatoes. Otherwise, who knows!

Then I started an herb garden from seeds. This project I did not have as much hope for but hot damn I got a growth!

So I will see you in a few months with my bounty and a LOT of jam and canned items.

Despite how much I would like to be sarcastic about this, I am having a great time.

xoxo, Biz

I have been crafting on painkillers

2011-04-18T21:01:00.000-04:00

Talk about crafting fail...oh wait...apparently if I craft under the influence of painkillers due to dental surgery (rendering me unable to talk as much, which may or may not also play a part) I am AMAZING!

Ok, not as amazing as all you brilliantly crafty women out there but I just avoid your blogs during my crafts-a-ganzas so as not to get depressed.

So last Friday I had more dental surgery. I have it a lot. Let's don't talk about it and stop staring at my mouth. By Saturday afternoon I was 2 days into a painkiller cocktail and Supernatural marathon when all of my new felt and sewing projects long postponed started calling to me.

"Get out of bed....slowly...and come and make something out of me."

"Get off the floor, I said slowly."

What am I going to make? How about everything?

Pants out of a T-shirt? Yes.

The very first "mom blog" I ever came across was SamsterMommy. I was 2 months into being a mom and I found it really helpful and I liked her and what? She is sewing during naps? I could do that! (note: I could never do that. My baby never took long naps, but I liked fantasizing.)

Anyway, she had a few posts on making toddler pants and it actually looked doable for those of us who follow directions badly. Here is her tutorial. I made my pants out of an old T-shirt, but same thing.

BABY CARGO PANTS TUTORIAL

I used a shirt from the musical version of 9to5 I saw with my sista' a few years ago. Yes, one leg is slightly shorter and they ride a little low which is fine since Katy Belle is currently going through a phase of wearing 2 pairs of pants.

I thought Katy Belle needed pants with a flask on them and the phrase "Atta Girl." What toddler doesn't need that?

It could only lead to good things...like hanging out in a trucker hat. Atta girl.

Now under normal circumstances I would do a project and then do nothing for months...because I have a baby and that baby equals all free time and what is left is usually spent sleeping. These, however, are not normal circumstances. PAINKILLERS.

FELT! I bought all this felt the other day and needed...NEEDED...to make something springy and useless. I searched "felt spring crafts" on Google, went straight to images...looked...and did what I love to do...pretend I know how to make something by only looking at it. This is ok for felt projects as they are hard to mess up or are easier to bury.

What baby doesn't need a purse...that um...holds...what do babies need to hold? Nothing. Babies don't need purses and Katy Belle tossed this to the side as fast as she could. But that did not stop my painkiller addled pride from swelling with more pride!

Side 1:

Side 2:

Come on! Birdies! Adorable! You can't mess up felt and sewing 2 pieces of fabric together on 3 sides. You can mess up handles though. Do not look at those. Instead look at my baby girl eating a pickle at 9am. (best mother)

There is more. I was obsessed with the felt birdie and decided I should make a bunch of random felt shapes and sew on them and then sew that together badly...I mean in a folk art manner...and then tie them to yarn.

I give you SPRING GARLAND!

If you have a baby and very little time, do all the cutting out before you go to bed and then keep them near you and sew on them in those moment where your toddler is preoccupied by something. Yes, I know that is usually for like 5 minutes but that is all it takes to sew on these.

Katy Belle was equally unimpressed with these but I think they are darling and next year's Christmas tree better watch the hell out!

Sadly, the pain pills have run out and I am back to my normal schedule so all my projects are back to being on hold. Don't worry though, I have the biggest and worst dental surgery to come in a few weeks and watch out, I may try to make a quilt very badly!

XOXO, Biz

Dear IPlay Toys...

2011-03-23T18:52:00.001-04:00

Why are you trying to dumb down my daughter?

Last Christmas I added this cute little "tractor and friends" toy to my daughter's wish list in case Santa wanted to give it to her. First off, it plays songs and actually rolls along the floor which I thought would be fun for her. We had been at another kid's house who had it and Katy Belle had seemed vaguely interested so my "you must get this for her" alarm went off.

(Parenting insight: Just because your baby likes something at another child's house...or something she finds on the street for that matter...does not mean she will like it for an extended period of time. You don't have to get it for her. You are welcome.)

Second, it is a farm related toy. If you have a baby then you know that it is apparently IMPERATIVE that your child knows farm animals. It seems that 70% of all baby books and baby toys focus on farm animals and even more specifically what the animals say. My working theory is that babies need to know this because when the technology apocalypse comes and wipes all living creatures from the planet (except us, they will still need their human slaves) it will be important for us to remember for future generations to know there was more than the Mad Max world that we live in..." Still in all, every night we does the tell, so that we 'member who we was and where we came from..."

Moving on, Katy Belle got the toy for Christmas and has enjoyed it.

It has been 4 months roughly and I just noticed something.

When you put the animals in the trailer they match with their animal sound. You put the pig where it "oinks." You put the horse where it "neighs," etc...

Then there is the chicken. If it looks like a chicken, sounds like a chicken...oh wait. It doesn't sound like a chicken.

That is a rooster. Not a chicken.

Rooster

Chicken

Let's not focus on the fact that it was only until yesterday that I realized the error. I am a good parent who vets all toys that enter this house. These are not the droids you are looking for.

Let's focus on IPlay toys and their serious lack of due diligence. How did this get through the factory and onto shelves? Did this happen in the design stage and not seen as a mistake or did this happen somewhere along the line on the assembly floor where ala I love Lucy this sound cue got used?

How does the company describe the toy: "There are five farm animals and farmer included with this tractor. Listen for fun sound effects." and "Five animal friends stand in the trailer and make animal sounds when placed in their appropriate spots."

I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and say maybe it is a rooster, just not a very good one, but the company won't even own up to the animals. "Animal Friends" seems a bit vague and a little like an "out" for any possible "animal atrocities."

I guess they get points for it being in the same general family, but I actually think that may be worse because it is harder for the toddler to sort out. We must review animal sounds with Katy Belle over 20 times a day...like I said, almost all books and toys are geared towards this..."chickens say cluck! Roosters say cock-a-doodle-doo!" "Chickens say cock-a-do do do do NOT!"

Luckily, Katy Belle currently thinks all animals say "arf" (genius) so I am sure the bi-ligual chicken isn't going to be what keeps her out of gifted classes. I do think I am going to write the toy company and find out if I have a fluke or if they are just stupid.

"Shhhh...Home Entertaining Secrets Every Fancy Lady Should Know" By Deborah Metz from 1981

2011-01-02T13:13:00.025-05:00

"When there's silence or a lull, fill it with Steely Dan."

People talk about the 'Holiday Season' as if this is the only time during the year to entertain. This is a foolish notion. Any time is the right time to entertain, just like any eyeshadow is the right eyeshadow to wear to a children's hospital. It's all about confidence. I'm going to share that confidence with you. I'm going to let it sit with you and marinade. In a few secret steps. Are you ready? Shhhhhh...

1. Wednesday Night Fever - A party in the middle of the week is unexpected, and gives your interesting friends something to talk about on the weekend while they're at 'the expected' party thrown by a less interesting friend (known as 'the obligation' or 'first stop of the evening'.) By having people over for an intimate dinner of drinks and orrrr-derrrvs midweek, it says with confidence that: A) You aren't afraid to do things on a 'school night' and B) You got these people to come to your house first. If it sounds a little mean to take the wind out of the sails of the less party adept, it's really not. These are just the secrets to a good gathering.

2. NO!-verhead Lighting - One of the biggest party killers is the offense of overhead lighting - unless! - you have a dimmer switch or in some cases, coloured bulbs. Stark lights that come from the ceiling are not sexy, nor inviting. Let me ask you this: would you invite your friends over for an autopsy? Because if you employ overhead lighting, this is exactly what your party will feel like. Make the light soft and almost hidden. A secret trick I like to use is to stare at a bowl of artichoke dip next to a bowl of spinach dip and then I dim the lights until I can barely tell which dip is which. This will also work with two similar crackers, hummus and bean dip, or pictures of Burt Reynolds and Olympic Swimmer Mark Spitz.

3. Put It On a Ritz! - When it comes to mouth entertainment crackers, I've seen and tasted it all. Water crackers, though elegant are usually too thin to survive a quick wade through a dense cream cheese based dip. Same goes for twig-like crackers which just snap, and frankly - can't hold much of anything (where are the olives supposed to go?) In regards to the all-important orrr-derrrv cracker, I take my cue from Marilyn Monroe: "But square cut / Or pear shaped / These crackers don't lose their shape / Ritz' are a Girl's! Best! Friend!" Buttery, golden amber and the perfect size, a Ritz can hold just about anything. Scroll up and look in my face right now. Pretend that my mouth is moving and that I'm telling you this advice as a friend. We are closer now, don't you think? I sure feel this way. Put it on a Ritz! Your guests will thank you for sticking with a classic.

4. 'Cheese' Wisely With 'The Towering Inferno' Method - Picking cheeses for your orrr-derrrv table can take up a whole day, unless you go forth into that market with a plan! This is when I employ The Towering Inferno Method. Cheeses are like people, or the characters and actors in The Towering Inferno. You have Steve McQueen as the no-nonsense Fire Chief O'Hallorhan (Sharp Cheddar), Paul Newman as the ethical architect Doug Roberts (Monterey Jack), William Holden as the building's owner Jim Duncan (Muenster), Richard Chamberlain as his greedy corners-cutting son-in-law and electrical engineer Roger Simmons (Roquefort), Robert Wagner as chief publicist Dan Bigelow who actually is responsible for starting the 'inferno' (Habanera Pepper Jack), and Faye Dunaway as Robert's girlfriend (Brie.) There are (of course) more cast members, but this collection should make for a fine table, and you can always add more cheeses if you wish - but this is what I start with and I've never had any complaints. When you can breeze right up to the cheese counter and pick six cheeses with confidence, it can really make your day - and your party!

5. Fill It With Steely Dan - If you've ever been to my abode, I don't have to tell you that I don't ever need Hey, Nineteen reasons to have Steely Dan constantly on my hi-fi. Formed by the amazing combination of Walter Becker and Donald Fagen, you just can't get more perfection in your entertaining music than Steely Dan. Their languid, mellow keyboards and changing chords were made to be played in a dimly lit living room where the scent of Charlie perfume sways in the air, and another cork of Blue Nun is popped. The magic of Steely Dan is this: it can be foreground or background music. It works both ways. You can notice it or not notice it. It's a mystery! Put Steely Dan on at your next gathering, and you'll be Reeling In The PEERS. let me put it this way; if indulging in the fine Columbian, having sex with underage girls and drinking scotch whiskey all night long and dying behind the wheel is wrong, then I don't want to be correct.

Remember, I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm just here to share... The Secrets Every Fancy Lady Should Know.

Happy Entertaining!
-Deborah xoxo

Meet Vickki Sarsgaardenhaall - The Arcade Fire's Newest Flame!

2010-12-13T02:09:00.028-05:00

"Are you nuts? I'm flipping flipping-out over here!"

MONTREAL, Quebec - The search is over for the latest talented member of the ever-growing indie band The Arcade Fire. Vickki Sarsgaardenhaall, 26 of Chicago, filled the position "Pretty much as soon as we saw her when we were in Chicago", confirmed lead vocalist and pre-school hairstyle enthusiast Win Butler. His wife and band mate, Regine Chassagne quickly interjected through an unnecessary megaphone, "YAH, PRETTY MUCH! LOOKIT ME!"

"No need for any more wooden spoon sounds."

The search was prompted when the band decided to let go of a few members or as Butler put it: "Clean house." The first to go was Yvette Ormond; a native of Montreal and the group's lead wooden spoons on a baking dish player. "They said they were going in a different direction, and they said that direction would not be needing the sounds of wooden spoons on a baking dish anymore." The second cut happened to the band's hurdy gurdy man, Paul Finsterful. "They loved my playing. Honestly, I play beautifully. No problems there. The problems were with how I was dressing, apparently. I guess I should have said upfront that I don't feel like dressing like an 1800's Haunted Mansion orphan every damn day of the week." A third member of the band was sadly killed in an accident of unknown origin. The family of the deceased wishes to remain anonymous, but claims that the member was "fired for dying."

"Band member was fired for dying."

Uncomfortable with having "instrumentally speaking, gaping spaces" within their music, band mates were left with no choice but to play 'boring' instruments such as keyboards, drums and guitars. The band voted to fill the void with one "all rounder" - that's when Butler spotted Vickki at a Chicago area mall. Said Butler: "We were sick of getting inspired by the genius of ourselves. How many times can I watch our footage of when we played with David Bowie singing our songs? How many times can I weep watching the trailer of Where The Wild Things Are because it touches my child heart so? I mean, where else can we go? It's like our brains are all wired like the great glass elevator from 'Charlie and The Chocolate Factory' - and I can't stress this enough - the book. We all have this glass elevator as our brains and we all have to eventually press the button marked 'Up And Out'. We need to see what our next thing is. The next thing led us to a mall and led us to Vickki at the Cafe Ole Instant Replay Chalet Coffee Hut & Sports Bar." Added Chassagne, "YAH!"

In Vickki, Butler found someone who represents the fan-type not typical of the band. "She represents the unexpected; like someone actually ordering the flan for dessert or a black person listening to Lionel Richie." Sarsgaardenhaall recalls her reaction when she found out that she was the one they wanted. "At first, I was all 'What's Arcade Fire?' Then they told me who they were and then I was 'Shut up!' Before I knew it I was freakin' flipping out all over the place because they had a bus. Are you nuts? Their own freaking bus? That's the coolest! I wanna drive it! I wanna drive the bus!"

Since she was recruited, Sarsgaarenhaall, now living in Montreal, has been busy rehearsing her new instruments which include knee cymbals, shaking rice inside an empty Mr. Pibb can, waving a stick in the air and playing the toes. "They told me to just look like I'm having a better time than the audience and to play what's ever in my hands or feet or attached to my knees super hard. If I'm waving the stick, I have to flipping wave that stick like it's my grandma's Shake & Bake. She makes the sickest Shake & Bake. You would go nuts, it's so good."

The band hopes to have Sarsgaardenhaall up to speed by the time they embark on their North American tour kicking off in March of 2011. "I'm sure by then, Vickki will have become a fully-fledged member", Butler said gazing at Vickki. "She's very enthusiastic which is sweet. It's kind of a throwback to a time when innocence ruled. She displays her raw intense joy and determination like a goat trying to get at a tin can through a fence. This is exactly what we were lacking and this is exactly what we needed." Added Vickki seriously, "What you guys really need is me driving that flipping wicked bus."

-J.

Happy Craftgiving

2010-12-07T21:06:00.000-05:00

Why am I not still doing comedy? That title is hilarious. (written 11/24)

Especially since I am just getting around to finishing it AFTER Thanksgiving when I wrote it. (sigh)(written 12/2)

Katy Belle and Stefan are at the playground and I realized I had time to post a few of my recent craft disasters. Actually, they are not too awful, just affected by my rushing and you know...not thinking...while making them.

You may want to prepare yourself for your mind being blown.

The Doll.

I think this doll is super cute....just don't look under her hair. It reminds one of 1920's lobotomy.

(written 12/7...I kid you not, worst post commitment ever)

Katy Belle likes it "ok." At least she didn't reject it like that Elephant I made.

Then I made a pie. Cause, you know...I got all the time in the world for pies. Actually, at my husband's family's annual Thanksgiving gathering, they all bring pies and then there is this sort of pie glut fest after dinner and for brunch the next morning. I see things like this as a challenge rather than a joy. (been too long therapist, I'll call you). First year I made a banana pudding pie. It was awesome, but I don't think traveled 3 hours very well. This year I did test pies. Below is the precooked 1st test pie. Wild blueberry and cranberry pie from Bon Appatite. They usually never fail me but maybe it was the cranberries. The pie was way too tart. I didn't make it for the gathering because I didn't want to risk it. That said...LOOK AT MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT LATTICE WORK!

This definitely falls between success and giant fail.

I went with a Molasses Pie. Fact: you must like molasses and have lots of whipped cream. I failed at both. I didn't even ask for the pie pan back. Next year I am making cookies.

Then there are these little beauties. First I found a great post about adorable felt magnets and how easy it is to make them on the very first mom blog I ever found, Samster Mommy. (can't find her on twitter, anyone know her so I can properly shout out?) http://samstermommy.blogspot.com/2010/05/felt-fridge-magnets.html

Amazing right?

Knock knock.

Who is there?

You.

You who?

You who can't cut out things this cute and sew them together to look like anything remotely close to this cute.

Oh, I thought it was you. Did you bring wine?

So then I found a post about "monster magnets" (but can't find the exact post again) and realize I could cut out odd shapes and for some reason I had a bag of googly eyes in my storage closet. (I have had these for 4 years...my daughter is only 1...I have a lot of "things" in my storage closet.)

Anyway...ta and da.

Ok, ok, ok...my husband and I got iPhones and I am pretty sure we are officially allowed into heaven now. Yay us. Of course you need a case to protect your precious iPhone, else the tiniest scratch get you a cell in heaven next to someone you don't like. So I said "I can make a case!"

cough

So I first made one for my husband. Two pieces of felt, two pieces of corduroy, bada bing bada boom...old toggle button and viola...

...totally ok way to carry your iPhone.

That went so well, I'll whip together one for myself.

The next 4 attempts are not show here because I burned them...with fire. Too short, too thin...one with one side the right side and the other side inside out. How did I manage that?

2 hours later...ta and da.

I was so tired I didn't add a closer attachment so the damn phone slides out very easily.

You can buy these and other half assed projects on my Etsy page...www.pissyourmoneyawayonmycrap.etsy.com

(not a real website)

xoxo, Biz

Dear random pediatrician...

2010-11-14T09:40:00.000-05:00

...we met with at our baby's 15 month check up.

(warning! Unable to control language post)

Go fuck yourself.

There, I said it. It has been 5 days and I am still mad. We took Katy Belle in for her 15 month check up and we got one of the other pediatricians in the practice rather than our regular guy. We like our regular guy and we trust him. Plus he has a sense of humor and shares our view of not freaking out over everything parenting style.

BUT, we don't get him. He is out. We get her. We go through all the standard questions about how Katy Belle is doing and developing. She is doing great. She is really a perfect kid.

One day I think I am going to wake up and find Stefan being drug to hell by the devil saying "Sorry, but I made a deal with the devil for a perfect baby and my time is up. Don't forget to return the netflix and I love you!"

So she asks "What about talking? Is she talking yet?"

Us: No. Not yet. She babbles some but nothing concrete yet. We are speaking 2 languages to her so we are expecting her to talk later.

Her: No Mama? No Dada?

Us: Nope. Well, she says Mama but not to me.

Her: No Dada?

Me: We don't say Dada. We say Papa.

Her: Does she say Papa?

Me: (to myself, no you idiot I said she wasn't speaking) Nope.

Her: You should consider speech therapy. She should be speaking by now.

Stefan: We aren't worried.

Me: Yeah, she can understand 2 languages. I can ask her to go into her room and get her shoes in english or swedish and she can do it. We aren't worried.

Her: You should be. If by 16 months there still aren't any words you have a problem. I'd take the number with you today.

Stefan: Really? Cause I didn't speak until I was 2...

Me: yeah....and he isn't....(pause)

Stefan: Retarded.

(we just can't believe she is saying this. I have never read anything about being worried about speech at 15 months. Stefan is getting pissed and I am too, but I go down the route of...)

Me: ok, we'll take the number and keep an eye on it.

The Dr. just keeps going on about it.

We leave, without the number, and here we are 5 days later and I am still so angry.

First...all the experts agree that the earliest you should worry about speech is 18 months.

Second...we are raising her bilingual. Everyone agrees that children raised with 2 languages speak much later.

Third...none of the other 15 month olds we are playing with speak.

Fourth...we speak to her all the time. The only thing possibly holding her back is we speak so much she doesn't think she can get a word in inch wise.

Fifth and finally...to hell with you lady. The last place I am supposed to go and be freaked out about my baby is my doctor office. We are good parents who respect and pay attention to our baby. We respond correctly when there is a problem and let her sort out the things she needs to sort out even if we would rather rush in and fix it for her. She has never had a problem with "new phases." She sorted out sleeping, naps, sippy cups, walking and more on her own and at her own pace with us right beside her.

When she is ready to talk she is going to hopefully be just like her Mama and Papa and never shut up.

While I try to control my language around her...I kinda hope that her first words are "suck it." If they are, I am going to have her leave that doctor a message.

xoxo, Biz

Who Wants to Watch Stefan Fry?

2010-11-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

Apparently EVERY CHILD IN PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN.
Happy Halloween everyone. I know you have been waiting for it. Containing your excitement...just dying to see what the Epic family did to ruin the sweet dreams of children on Halloween.

How about I make you wait a little longer? TRICK!

Its been 5 years of celebrating Halloween with the man I love..the sort of experience that makes one say "he is the only man who understands me." So let's recap shall we? (Just click on each year)

Year one - the year we came up with the idea to mess with people 10 minutes before we actually did it.

Year two: Madame Bizella raises her zombie slave to give you candy!

Year Three: Doctor Hurtsinside needs your help to get all this candy out of our patient...STAT!

Personally this was my favorite year. Just enough gore but also just enough rediculousness.

Year Four: My brother was naughty and wouldn't share his candy. I had to punish him. Do you want to have his candy with me?

Man, good times.

So...what do we have in store for this year? Year Five? I guess there is only one question to ask...

Guess who scared the crap out of kids again this year?

These guys!

Ok, that is the least scary photo of a shotgun in the face of a man in an electric chair I have ever seen.

Pardon me Biz, but did you say electric chair?

Why yes I did. Thanks to the wood working skills of Halloween lover Dan Gordon, we built ourselves a little "Smokey" to call our own.

So the concept was this...as trick or treaters approached, I, the warden, would say (in an over the top Fog Horn Leg Horn accent) "Are you here to bear witness to the execution of Lawless Lawrence, who is being put to death for the crime of stealing Halloween candy?"

Children: YES!

Warden: Lawless, do you have any last words before your are put to death?

Lawless: Yes! You'll never get my candy! You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands, if you want it!"

Warden: That's the idea! Ha ha ha! Now who is going to help me execute this monster!?

Kids: ME!!!!

So I'd pick a kid to come up and push the button at which point somke would come out from under the chair, strobe light went off and electric chair sound effect would go off.

Stefan is fried.

Warden: Now, come and take the candy that is rightfully yours!

Kids come up to take candy and get goosed by Stefan.

Ta daaaaa. Genius.

Except the first few times we had Stefan in a hood that was tooooo scary for some.

Of course, not too scary for this kid.

Also, not too scary for the freaking cutest monkey in the world!!! Holy crap that is one cute monkey!

Our monkey, I mean baby was inside playing with our pal Kathy and apparently thought nothing of the screams coming from the front of the apartment. Good baby.

So these kids pushed the button like 8 times...taking turns. Good to see that despite NY state law, corporal punishment is alive and well in the hearts of children.

So we took the hood off.

(hello handsome)

About 30 minutes into this we realized our baby sitter wasn't showing up. (TRICK indeed!) She got trapped in Manhattan Parade over crowding. So luckily Chris Principe of Elephant Larry fame was lurking about and stepped in so I could but Katy Belle to bed. Thank you Chris!

Then she was asleep and I was back in action.

So who wants to see this in action?

Halloween from Epic Family on Vimeo.

How about this action?

Untitled from Epic Family on Vimeo.

Sadly, a number of our videos have been taken in the wrong direction. I'll try to find time to flip them around but I think these capture the spirit nicely.

Till next year...when we better get to do my long awaited idea of CLOWNS.

xoxo, Biz and Stefan

PS. anyone want to buy an electric chair?

Guess who went to North Carolina

2010-10-21T11:49:00.001-04:00

These guys!

Oh and Stefan. He came too but had a different seat and had to hold the camera.

Why? Why did we go to North Carolina? Well, in my fantasy life of leaving NYC, the Durham/Chapel Hill area seemed to find its way to the top of the relocation list. Its in the South but not so far down as my home state Alabama that Stefan might explode from the abundance of "chit chat." The man can handle only so much chit chat. It has a very good food scene (check out www.carpedurham.com to get a taste) and because of the colleges, it has a good music and art scene and leans a tad more to the liberal side. Seemed like a good fit.

Here's something weird. Neither of us have ever been.

So for the last 2 years we have discussed going down to check it out and ta daaaaaa. It has been checked.

First off, super short flight from NYC which is a delight with a baby. By the way, 14 month olds or "toddlers" or whatever you want to call them, need lots of new stuff for flights. I miss my tiny, boring baby who slept all the time. That said, Katy Belle is not a yeller...yet. We got another flight in 2 weeks so there is always a chance the yelling will turn up.

NONE OF THIS IS IMPORTANT!

What is important is that when we got into town and hit the store for milk, etc for Katy Belle, we were informed by pretty much everyone that "the State Fair is in town" and opens...I mean opening day people...opens in 2 hours.

How do you know you married the right person? You know when you are standing in a Kroger's check out line, are told the State Fair is in town, and you look at each other and say "STATE FAIR!" followed by high fives.

I give you North Carolina trip Part 1

Outside the entrance to the State Fair are several 4-H club displays. I assume they were made to pump you up about the fair. This one said "Celebrate What's Good."

Pigs playing drums is what's good! Oh yeah!

Once inside you can stop off at Fun Rider Rentals for a fun ride, which seems to mean wheel chairs. Ummmm, fun?

(I hope this isn't representative of the "fun rides" that lie inside.)

Hot damn! The Village of Yesteryear!

It does not disappoint. This was actually very charming and filled with vendors who make handmade products and they all dress up in old timey garb which totally pulls on my "people don't all suck" strings.

Next up, Children's Barnyard!

Cow!

This is probably my only complaint. The Children's Barnyard had very deep fencing keeping vistitors a tad too far away. Katy Belle was not impressed.

But I am impressed by the Hobbies and Crafts area that displayed the best of the best from around the state. Check out this Lego Storm Trooper.

And then there was food. As far as the eye could see...so much fried food.

JOY!

No this is not the "food scene" I spoke of. This is fair food which is awesome...if I was 10 years younger or still smoking weed.

Soooooo many turkey leg options.

Leave it to "older and wiser" Biz to find the only truck that boasted farm fresh veggies. I got okra. DEEP FRIED MOTHER FREAKING OKRA!

Did someone say Fried Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich?

Stefan did. Stefan said fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Stefan also ate that fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Note to all fair goers. There is a difference between fried and deep fried. We were assuming this sandwich would have a golden, hot crust of fried goodness. It did not but was still very good.

Ok. Don't look now. DON'T LOOK! Ok look. Guy with giant Rastafarian banana is right over there.

This guy was walking around with I can only assume his wife or girlfriend and a mother...his or hers, I don't know but a mother. How did this guy wind up with this? Ok, I know how he wound up with it....every carni game was giving them away. FYI this is not the biggest rastafarian banana to be won.

I am going with his manhood being challenged by a carnie, he shoots a clown in the mouth till a balloon pops, he looks to his wife and mother and one of them says, "I want that one!" I can also go with him thinking this is the most romantic prize he could have ever won. "I like bananas and Bob Marley. This is gonna look great on our bed."

Would you like to take a ride on the U Toob?

Same guy! Same Rastafarian banana. He has to carry this around all day.

(Yeah, thats my 14 month old baby who is as huge as she looks. Jesus. She looks is like a giant Rastafarian banana. I think her head is bigger than mine.)

So Stefan's manhood was challenged by the ski ball machines. Do you see me with a giant rastafarian banana? You do not.

Haunted house ride! I wanna go!

Oh wait, I can't because it apparently doesn't operate during the day time. LAME!

There is more to see but around this point we discovered that the milk we bought at Krogers was bad and felt we needed to get Katy Belle outta there before something horrible happened...possibly more horrible than the free Harlequin Romance novel they were giving away entitled Romance and Mystery. I thought this was a description but it is in fact the title. Romance and Mystery.

So good times were had by all at the fair! I think this is a great sign.

Oh wait. Remember that comment about Katy Belle and the bad milk? Yeah, that didn't work out well. We were two exits away from our hotel when Katy Belle made a noise and Stefan looked back and said "oh we got some puke. Just need a burp cloth."

pause

"Oh! There is a little more."

pause

"Oh my god!"

I look back from driving and I only see Katy Belle's face. The rest of her and the car seat and the back seat is covered in vomit. No I don't have a photo. My first thught was not to take a picture.

It looked nothing like this:

It was awful and smelled bad. There was no way we were making it 2 more exits and poor Katy Belle didn't know what was going on. I pull off into an empty office park and we get her out of the seat. We have very little with us to clean this up. We got her onto her changing pad, stripped her down and cleaned her up with the 5 wipes we had left and put her in the state fair shirt I had bought. I used everything we had with us to try and wipe down the back but she wasn't going back in the car seat. It was 2 inches deep with vomit. So windows down, Stefan held Katy Belle in the back seat while I got us home. While he bathed her and got her to bed, I got down and dirty with the vomit. You know you are a mom when you don't think twice about your fingers being covered in vomit.

We wound up having to return the car seat that night for a new one from the car rental place. I got into a tersely polite back and forth with the night desk clerk who didn't think it was relevant info to give me (the crazy woman who is covered in vomit and has said my baby has vomited) that the laundry room doesn't have a change machine or detergent dispencer, so I had to make a lot of vomit covered trips back and forth across the hotel to get the laundry finally in. I disassembled the car seat, so while it no longer looked like a car seat, we did not return it covered in puke.

They also had us on the smoking floor yet claimed we didn't have a smoking room. So I put in a room change request.

Let's just say we needed sleep and "take 2" with the hotel. We woke up excited about checking out Chapel Hill. What could be a better omen that the day is going to be great than opening your door to find a GIANT pair of women's panties on the knob.

Stay tuned for North Carolina Part 2.

Guess who had passes to NY ComicCon?

2010-10-11T21:47:00.000-04:00

This girl!

I am the one in the Tron shirt and Star Wars hat. I think the Predator on the right wants to take me home.

I love ComicCon. Not just for the overwhelming amount of comics, movie sneak peeks, game demos, fantasy writers and Welcome Back Carter action figures you can get, but also for the ailse upon aisles of creepy, Japanese, dress up, borderline "furry" culture that is there too. Don't know about the furry culture?

Please enjoy a scene from one of my favorite CSI's.

If only there was a CSI convention. Don't look at me.

Anyway, what I love most about ComicCon is all the people who dress up. Sadly, Stefan and I did not don our Green Arrow and Black Canary outfits...mainly because we have grown lazy with a 14 month old baby, and trying to haul her across town to the edge of Manhattan in what is essentially a corset and blond wig on a Friday afternoon...lets just say I can sleep without having checked that off some sort of bucket list.

So please enjoy some of my favorites.

Here I am with the Marvel Family. I love this because one day Katy Belle will have to be dressed as Speedy or Red Arrow. (Sorry baby girl, you can use it in your favor when you want to borrow the car down the road.)

Ok, who let the hot ghostbuster in here?

Who is this guy...attractive AND has an excellent Ghostbusters costume with nary a black spray painted toilet paper roll in sight?

Still, he doesn't hold a candle to Stefan as Green Arrow. Lets see if I can dig out that photo from a few years ago.

Guess whose first ComicCon it was?

My sista! She did very well...and we did rearkably well... when Stefan made the ultimate sacrifice and took Katy Belle home so I could continue to bask in my nerdiness (he got an unopened Whitesnake album in return)...and Helen and I (I swear, loaded only with coffee) stumbled upon some alternate ComicCon universe with hot dudes in costume.

Hello Clark Kent.

So we find ourselves with hot Clark Kent who announces he is raising money for the Christopher Reeve Foundation. He was able to communicate this between my sister and my squeals of delight when he ripped open his shirt.

So we are going on and on about how handsome he is when he says "hey mom, take a photo with both of them."

Mom? I turn, and not to be unkind, but there is his mother who is not quite "Clark Kent hot" if you know what I mean and she has been there the whole time listening to us go on as if we were at a male review in Panama City, FL. I don't know what to say other than "um, your son is so handsome and this is such a nice thing he is doing." (Raising money, not allowing himself to be fondled by the likes of me and my sister.)

Helen asked about the charity as she deposited her money into the giant jug of money and he says "its nothing official, I am just going to drop it off at their center next week."

blink

Pardon my southern but he ain't gonna take that money anywhere but to his bank and I am now suspicious about his so called "mother."

We moved on only to discover "hot" Captain America. 2 things...I had seen a number of not "hot" Captain Americas already lurking about the convention, and secondly, I am not a Marvel fan.

Hello! Are you accepting money for a charity as well?

God bless my sister. When he looked at her with some hesitation when she asked if he would turn around for her photo, I believe her words were "Honey, you package all that in all this and it deserves to be photographed."

At least that was the gist.

So here is to another successful ComicCon. If you need me I will be enjoying part 1 and 2 of Darwyn Cooke's graphic novel remakes of Richard Stark's Parker character. Joy.

xoxo, Biz

Today's Factoid

2010-10-10T05:44:00.002-04:00

Yes. Pregnancy is a miracle. But the real miracle is that I don't roundhouse kick strangers in their throats. Second Trimester nausea and 16th week everything-tasting-like-metal-lawnchair is bullshit.

I'm not glowing. Just cartoon-wolf wearing a spinning bow-tie angry.

Nighty-night. I'm sending the waitress over with an Insomnia Highball. Enjoy.
J.

FILLER: Just go with this idea...

2010-10-05T20:10:00.008-04:00

This isn't going to make a lot of sense. It will to me, because... well, this is how I think. This is what I think about. Like, a lot.

I think quite a bit about casting big-screen biopics and remakes. When I worked retail for many years, to keep myself from killing people, I would cast big-screen versions of Gilligan's Island, The Three Stooges and The Partridge Family. Lately, I've been 'collecting' people for music industry biographical films.

A long while back, I was 'casting' my Led Zeppelin picture. I had Henry Ian Cusick (Lost's Desmond) as Robert Plant. I got no further. Probably because another side hobby of mine is coming up with the title of the movie and though this can be really distracting, it's a really good time. I was about to cast the rest of my Bob Geldof/Boomtown Rats picture (I have John Krasinski from The Office as Bob), when I saw a photo of Andrew Garfield - who looks SO much like Neil Finn from New Zealand bands Split Enz and Crowded House. Andrew Garfield just did a bang-up job in The Social Network (a must see - really), and he has also been cast as Peter Parker in the new Sony Spider-Man franchise (which is super exciting.)

This is Neil Finn.

This is Andrew Garfield. And Spider-Man!

Another thing that struck me is that Neil Finn's brother Tim Finn (from the same bands) is currently a dead ringer for Jeff Bridges.

This is Jeff Bridges.

This is Tim Finn.

This is where it gets confusing; would things be better if Tim Finn played Jeff Bridges in The Jeff Bridges Story or should Jeff Bridges just go ahead and play Tim Finn in I Got You: The Story of Split Enz?

You know what? Never mind.
-J.

PS - Here are my Three Stooges.

David Paymer is Larry. And sometimes David Sedaris.

Mike Starr is Curly.

Linda Hunt has always been Moe.

TWO FATALLY ATTACKED BY ALLIGATOR - COMIC RELIEF FROM 80's TEEN MOVIE IS SOLE WITNESS.

2010-09-26T00:20:00.012-04:00

"I'm 21"

HAMMOCK BAY, FL - Festivities at the Hammock Bay Golf & Country Club were cut short Saturday evening, as the playground to the area's most affluent neighbors became a gruesome scene for a double fatal alligator attack. Binny Harlington and Krystal Snowe, both 19, were sunbathing on what they thought was a safe patch on the golf course when the gator made its move; ripping their nubile, hairless bodies apart in record time. Miami-Dade County Police have been talking to the only witness to this attack: Robert "Deuce, Flipper, Bear, Jazzy, Six-Pack, Weasel, Suds, Heckler, Goose" Brannigan, 21 of Everglades City.

"I was at the country club to help my best buddy Trent win back his girl, Christie and impress her parents", Brannigan described carefully in a tone not matching the levity of his tuxedo tee shirt. "At first we posed as waiters, but then Christie's ex-boyfriend Blaise recognized us, tore off our mustaches and told his dad who owns the club, so we ran away. We tried for Plan B which was to sneak back in dressed as an extremely tall person wearing a trench coat and then Trent would get Christie alone to tell her his feelings while I would distract the crowd by starting a dance craze." Brannigan paused to compose himself and went on, "What happened though... was boobies."

According to the witness and police, Brannigan was supposed to duck out from underneath the trench coat and set up his demo tape of synthesizer pop music on the PA system to start the dancing. Instead, he went into the men's restroom where he heard a conversation from the women's restroom between Snowe and Harlington about going sunbathing. "I peeped through a hole and saw boobies", Brannigan confirmed. Unable to help himself, Brannigan followed the girls and hid behind a bush while peering over the rim of his sunglasses "Jazzy style". The next thing he saw was the last moments of the victim's lives. "It was horrible. It wasn't as hot as you'd think."

Brannigan is working with police and the parents of the victims to find some kind of closure. "A vigil is being organized with candles, stuffed animals, poems and all of the girls' hottest friends", Brannigan brightened up slightly, clutching his Wayfarers. "I can't bring back the two girls, but what I can bring back, at least, is ONEHELLUVAPARTY!"

-J.

ROCK OF PAGES

2010-09-18T12:33:00.003-04:00

I remember the day I stopped reading Cosmopolitan. The article was called “When You Don’t Get Along With His Pets”. I could see how eventually there would be such an article in Cosmo, but I wondered how the people involved who orchestrated the accompanying picture got through it without either quitting on the spot, or dying from laughter. The photo showed a park bench. On the left side sat the angry sexy Girlfriend, legs and arms defiantly crossed, red dress, red lips, sick red heels, even sicker cleavage, looking off into the distance. In the middle sat the “Arrrgh! What do I dooooo?” Boyfriend, his head in his hands, heart splitting two ways, hair delightfully Dylan McKay crunchy. On the far right, a Great Dane sat on the corner of the bench, looking out on the (photographer’s assistant holding a treat) horizon dramatically thinking: “It’s me or her… Dear God… Please pick me, Oh Captain, My Captain… Pick ME!” Leave it to Cosmopolitan to inject some high-octane sexual tension into a picture of a dog and a lady having an argument over a guy. How stupid did they think we all were? I got through half of the article before declaring out loud to the magazine that I had given Cosmo many chances, but this was it: “When I was nine, you provided me with some good laughs at the word ‘vagina’ in your advice columns. When I was 20, you provided me with some ‘mind blowing’ techniques from your endless Mind Blowing Well. I’m even going to miss how often you use the phrase ‘Mind Blowing’ on your covers. Now that I’m 26, it’s time to part ways. I haven’t outgrown you Us Weekly, but I’ve outgrown YOU, Cosmopolitan Magazine. I plan to use the money that I’d be spending on you, toward getting a real phone in my studio apartment. I will, however, continue to keep blowing minds in that apartment with everything I’ve learned from you. That’s a mind blowing promise.”

The main promise to myself though, was getting a telephone. Between rent, utilities and foodstuffs, I was freshly-ish divorced and still hustling for cash working part time at The Gap and exotic dancing a few nights a week. A few months into this routine, I picked up an extra club and got more dancing shifts. I eventually phased out all of my Greetingwhoring at The Gap altogether. The money was better, but I still couldn’t afford a landline due to an astronomical phone bill balance left to me by my ex-husband. I needed a way out of having to call my clubs every day (up to five times) from the payphone three blocks away to see if they needed me when I was on call or to find out if I could pick up a double. This was especially frustrating during Portland’s monsoon season when my umbrella would get me more wet inside the phone booth than if I just stood out in the open. My scheduler suggested a simple pager; I could get a very affordable one that would allow people to leave messages as well as the standard call-the-number-displayed feature. After a trip to Radio Shack, I had a pager!

The pager was compact and Royal Blue. The weight felt good in my purse and its ring (set to a sharp ‘chirp!’ alert) made me feel like James Bond. I at least felt ‘official’. I made sure it was easy to grab, so when it would ring in public, I would snap it out of my bag with the adroitness of a close-up magician. “Sorry, I have to check this”, I would say, sometimes even to strangers or when I was alone. The pager and I worked as an efficient team; I only spent quarters knowing that I had a reason to call and my work was able to keep me in the loop. My club people felt confident giving me shifts because I always called back right away and always showed up early and prepared. I would call back within five minutes and cheerily say: “I hear Felony’s got strep. I can be there in twenty!” One of the clubs would call me more often simply because I wasn’t drunk and I didn’t play what they called ‘weird music’. (Weird in this case being that one of the ‘girls’ – who was about fifty years old – would play, I’m not even kidding, Calypso by John Denver.) I was definitely a Golden Girl Scout of stripping. If you looked in my apartment, you’d see that a gal with an honest and strong work ethic and a love of Michael Shayne mystery novels lived there. There was nothing illicit and nothing that would suggest that I was irresponsible. Or would suggest that maybe I was a powerful college drug dealer.

A pager made me feel responsible, but to the apartment that looked directly out at the phone booth, it made me look suspicious. In the beginning of the pager days, I would run down to the phone every time the pager chirped. In addition to getting work messages, I also had a very active social life, so I got quite a lot of calls especially on weekends. I always had quarters, so there were days I would go to the phone upwards of eight times. Sometimes I would let the messages build and just respond to the direct number calls to save some quarters and trips (and also stay dry), but every time I went to the booth, I felt an eye on me from the apartment inhabited by an elderly couple a few feet away. On one particular day, it really dawned on me that maybe these people thought I was a drug dealer. Now, if they were strictly in ‘judging book by its cover’ mode, then I guess I couldn’t blame them. When I got back to my apartment, I looked at myself. Wow. Where do I begin?

Upon hearing the chirp first thing on some mornings, that would get me up right away and I’d throw on laundry day clothes or just something to cover my eyes and head. I lived in a college neighborhood on the edge of downtown, so at least if I wore sunglasses, then I wouldn’t have to look any college students in the eyes. On this day, I wore what I had been sleeping in, cocooned in a grandpa sweater with holes. I threw on cowboy boots, a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses. I was your Uncle Larry with Alzheimer’s who thinks he’s Holly Golightly at the rodeo. The sweater wasn’t fooling anyone – that thing was basically a polycotton dirge. It was time to have a kind of… I don’t know… ‘phone booth makeover’?

If I was mindful enough to carefully apply lipstick before going to the Plaid Pantry for my smokes, Apple Jacks and magazines then why couldn’t I do the same to make my calls? It was because for a while, I truly believed that if I didn’t interact directly with anyone then they didn’t see me. The polished lady with the slick ponytail and winning smile who went to Plaid Pantry was a goddamn supermodel compared to the freak show on the corner who answered her pages – and I was both. I started pulling clothes just for early morning paging emergencies. These looks were put together, but not too put together. It was a college ‘hood after all, so I added a prop to bring with me to the phone booth: a thick smart looking book. If I was going to be perceived as the Pablo Escobar of 13th & Clay, then I was going to be well read. The thickest hardcover I had that was manageable while writing down my schedule was a thrift store copy of Peyton Place. I took the cover off so it could easily be a book about math theories, science or Jesus Deeds if ever asked by the elderly apartment dwellers. All of my other books were either little vintage pulp novels or gigantic coffee table books about movie stars. I would buy someone who just happened to have a book with them when they got paged… you know, because they were reading it, but I wouldn’t buy someone casually lugging around a colossal ten pound beast of Grace Kelly wedding photos. That’s unnatural. Even for me.

About six months passed and I finally got a landline. This was at the height of my ‘party supply store’ decorating aesthetic, so I bought a beige thrift store telephone and painted it gold so it would pop against the red Mylar South Pacific talent show cruise curtains. It was a huge relief to finally have a phone – mostly for my parents who were in Sydney and couldn’t understand how I lived. Every time I would call them from the booth, they would ask me why I didn’t have a phone and it would lead to an argument about money. I was honest though; they knew what I did for a living (the hardest conversation I’ve ever had to date) and in what financial state my ex-husband had left me in, but I wasn’t going to ask them for cash again. I had before, but it was time to dig myself out. Having a landline gave them some peace – or as much peace as they could allow themselves, given that I had put them through hell in my twenties. At least they could call me and I could call them. On the Goldfinger phone, we started some repairs on our relationship.

I loved how when my phone rang, I didn’t feel the desperate race against the clock to run to the corner to return calls. I could answer or not answer. The times I answered, I stretched out like Ann Margaret in Bye Bye Birdie, gabbing and feeling a teeny bit of success as I thought about my diminishing debt, and that I was taking care of it on my own.

And then there were the days when the phone would call and rain would fall. Cozy indoor, dry and with no umbrella to struggle with, I’d put John Denver on the record player, dip into a bag of weed and just let freedom ring.

-J.

Parenting Fail

2010-09-14T15:30:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I hate to take away from Jordi's beautiful post about being pregnant and my first ever guest blog post, but I just have to share.

Stefan took Katy Belle, you know, our 1 year old daughter...the apple of my eye...my future assassin, scientist, super model who teaches the whole world to read? Yeah, that daughter...well he took her up to the Tot Lot (previously mentioned on this very blog, a place for sweet, little babies to go crawl around on tiny play ground equipment far away from big kids).

That's nice right? Well apparently somebody came by and spray painted a giant penis on what I call the "banging board." I am not sure that is the name I will use going forward.

There were a lot of children there, but only mine apparently got her picture taken with the penis.

I can't even begin to go into the mixed feelings I have about this (one of horror and one of hilarity) and I am definitely not going to get into the things I said to my husband for even taking this picture.

I will however reenact how I think the painting went down.

Nefarious 13 year old kid with spray paint: "Yo, it's Thursday night. What should we do with this spray paint?"

Nefarious 14 year old kid who secretly likes watching Castle with his mom: "Hey, yo, how about we spray paint a penis on this and babies will touch it and shit."

High fives, high fives.

End scene.

I think we have our Christmas cards!

xoxo,
Biz

I am a Guest Blogger

2010-09-13T10:37:00.000-04:00

Join me PPPAers as I travel through the internet and join the lovely House Wife Bliss on her blog! THIS IS HER BLOG. CLICK ON ME!

She is all things nesting and house wife blissing and she is also hilarious.

I am making hot pepper and garlic jelly and only once burn myself. Jamming is way easier than sewing as you can't see my horrible mistakes in a jelly.

xoxo,
Biz

“THIS IS THE SECOND SONG OFF OUR NEW ALBUM...”

2010-09-11T04:39:00.004-04:00

One!... Two!... One! Two! Three! Four!

The Learning Channel is the Playboy Channel for hypochondriacs. Reading their programming info, it’s best to start at the Beginner’s Level with Untold Stories of The E.R. and then work your way up to the Aw, Hell No! / Fucked Up Level of Mystery Diagnosis. Real episode titles of Mystery Diagnosis include: ‘The 13 Year Stomach Ache’, ‘The Man Who Turned Orange’, ‘The Woman Whose Legs Were Killing Her’, ‘Mistaken Amputation’, ‘The Woman With a Knife in Her Head’, ‘Blood & Fire’ and ‘Why Is Emily Screaming?’ Shoehorned in between these programs and the ones about child pageants and midgets married to giants are the pregnancy and baby shows; the very reason why Web MD is so popular among out-of-their-shit paranoid mothers-to-be. All it takes is picking a demographic from Column A and a reproductive challenge from Column B to get someone in rural Tennessee to drop their Mountain Dew and say: “Fuck, Daryl! Take me to the liberry! I got to get to a ‘puter!” And there’s your Column C.

"I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant".

This is a show on the TLC Network. The title explains everything. Tune in to I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant and what you’ll see are a lot of women who were pregnant and didn’t know it. Right up until giving birth. At least when I had no clue I was pregnant *coughforthreemonthscough* I found out before, say, labor time. “Who the hell doesn’t know they’re pregnant?”, friends say when we talk about our favourite trashy television. Well, apparently me. I don’t exactly have a brain like a cheese grater, but do I count? “Ha-ha! Morons. Have you guys seen 'Hoarders: Buried Alive'?”

“I’d put you at about twelve or thirteen weeks”, said our midwife on the first official confirming everything visit. On one hand: Yay! First trimester, pffft! Out of the way. On the other hand: Yikes. What can three months of weekend vodka… And maybe some ‘other stuff’ do? This child might have three heads and if that’s the case, then it might be a case for Mystery Diagnosis: ‘That Baby Has Three Heads’. TLC my Brother, you bring everything full circle.

So we’re here. The first sonogram is on Monday as are a few tests just for those in the Advanced Age Maternal bracket. I’m 41. When we meet our child I’ll be 42. That’s not old, but it worries me a little. Before finding out about this pregnancy, I was told by my general doctor that I was starting to enter menopause. My gynecologist at the time told me that I should have a hysterectomy to take care of some things that were making my life very difficult. Like the pregnancy with Evangeline, our first daughter, I didn’t see any sign that I was pregnant. None. I took my sore boobs (this time) to be the heralding of a summer storm. The thing that made me take a test this time was that I nearly threw up on Ted after catching a whiff of his chicken strips. We were at a karaoke bar. I knew I needed to take a test immediately. I got a hold of a few tests and decided to not break tradition; I found out I was pregnant with Evie at a mall, so it only made sense to find out if I was knocked up with her sibling at a bar. There was no way I was going to honor this with any sort of good taste. I think Evangeline is the luminous magic creature that she is because I fell in love with her in a food court ladies’ room, inches away from a California Crisp. She took her first real steps while we were watching "Crank II: High Voltage" as a family. Why seek out a regal scenario of patrons holding opera glasses at a tennis club piano recital just to pee on a stick? All I needed to encourage me as I sat there holding these drug store instruments of science was someone singing Danzig’s "Mother" just outside the door while young girls with Red Bull breath bitched about how "You guys, Kyle is like, THE biggest douche...".

I must have been so out of my head with excitement and terror that I "did it wrong". The tests came out with no results. I waited until the next day and then took two tests. One of them said "Pregnant". The other one, I accidentally dropped into the toilet.

I sit here in bed on a Friday night, every muscle in my tummy stretching out like memory foam. My moods have been pretty outrageous (like Gem – who is truly outrageous), and I’m trying to keep my brain and mouth and body from tearing each other down. I went off of my antidepressant a few weeks ago, which was huge. The surging hormones and sudden lack of common sense that the Cymbalta had provided me with, has turned me into Gran Torino Clint Eastwood. Not cool Dirty Harry Clint, but Clint the angry forgetful coot with a shotgun. Despite this lucky, joyful news, I feel angry all the goddamned time. It bubbles up for no reason and it’s up to me to let it fly when no one is around so I don’t push it deep down into Resentment Town or count backwards softly from one thousand when we’re on a crowded bus. Anything, ANY THING to try to not take it out on Ted. With the irrational insane anger comes massive guilt. This is where therapy comes in and I thank my stars for that, because the next words out of my mouth are going to be ungrateful and harsh and sound annoyingly entitled.

"Get off of my lawn..."

It’s not that we never talked about having a Second, but we also never tried. The week before we found out, I was researching adult refresher ballet classes and thinking about The Next Thing. The Next Thing For Myself. Sometimes the anger comes out of nowhere, but sometimes I know exactly where it comes from. At times it’s one hundred percent undiluted fear. Will this baby make it? What have I already done to fuck this up? Am I worthy? Can I do this? Given my body’s track record, it’s terrifying. Other times it goes darker; I can be a selfish bastard at times. Along the lines of looking at classes and planning a trip with Ted without Evangeline in the early New Year, (possibly Hawaii), I was fantasizing about starting a job again – any job. Anything to get me into a routine again involving listening to music on headphones ALONE on the way to a place where I can speak like a grown-up with other grown-ups. Anything to get me out of the house after spending two rewarding yet exhausting years inside of it raising a beautiful, tornado of a little bean.

And now I’m looking at a few more years inside of a house trying not to go mad. It’s rewarding. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever done. But my knees are making noises and I’m so tired, Maaaaan! I think it’s okay to at least acknowledge this. Some women don’t and some of those women drown their own kids. I’d rather teach mine how to swim.

I’m finding out that if I actually say out loud The Thing I’m Angry About as I’m feeling it, (no matter how ridiculous it is or how much of a brat I sound like) it usually goes away. Sure, bones are creaking, and I can’t take ballet. Wah-fucking-wah. No one wants a pregnant ballerina in their class. Besides, I wasn’t cut out to play Giselle even on my best day. Still, I need something that is mine that doesn’t say: “Juice! Juice! Mama juice!” twenty times, only for her to pour it on the dog as an experiment.

On the flip side to this honestly dark B Side rant is the A Side; The Hit Single. The song that makes people want to buy the record in the first place. A lot of B Sides are experimental because there’s no way the B Side can be discarded without getting rid of the more popular A Side. The B Side to The Monkees’ sun-filtered “Pleasant Valley Sunday” is the hypnotic and beautifully sinister “Words”. I’ve traditionally been drawn to the B Sides my whole life.

But here’s the A Side:

The very moment I saw that ‘Pregnant’ in the window, it was on. That particular smile that attacked me at the food court mall nearly three years ago came back to my face as if it never left. I patted my tummy. I air-kissed it for a minute before rushing downstairs to find Ted. He knew before I showed the evidence to him. So much excitement and planning. A sibling for Evangeline! We cried happy tears.

And it was a Sunday.

-J.

Beanbags!

2010-09-03T19:10:00.000-04:00

With it being in the high 90's and totally disgusting outside, Katy Belle and I have been inside...a lot.

She has played with all the usual suspects and they have lost their charm so I needed a cheap solution to mix things up. I know, how does a pot, a wooden spoon, and a string of mardi gras beads lose charm?)

BEANBAGS!

I had a ton of scrap fabric leftover and there have been some half eaten bags of beans in our cupboard for well over 3 years that were just begging to be bagged.

This is the bad crafter's perfect project. Can you sew a square or rectangle or at least sew two peices of fabric together? BAM! Bean bags.

You can't mess up beanbags unless you fill them with glass.

Without further ado...BEAN BAGS!

You know who loved them and was dying to play with them?

Not my child. Apparently this was an activity to keep ME from going crazy. Oh, this is actually a great naptime sewing project. You can make 5 of these in no time.

She really did play with them.

Here is video proof...including "songs for toddlers" a subject I plan on writing about soon.

Untitled from Epic Family on Vimeo.

(Let me guess. It's a pizza.)

xoxo, Biz

P.S. A very happy shout out to my Pony partner, Jordi, who is 3 months pregnant!!!! Hooray!

Well I don't think this is ok

2010-08-30T09:40:00.001-04:00

Should the place where I got my glasses and get my eyes checked be sending me this?

WHY ARE YOU SENDING ME THIS? I mean really.

Really?

Bring my "kiddies" to your eyeglasses store, the one I go to maybe once every 2 years when my eye insurance turns over, and leave them there with who? The "responsible staff?" Sure, I don't do Lexis Nexis checks on my sitter, but I need more than the word of this email from a total stranger...oh wait! There's popcorn, drinks and other snacks? Well, then. Totally fine! What time? 5pm, right before dinner? Snacks before dinner? WHAT A GREAT IDEA! I LOVE IT!

Can you not say "kiddies?" The word actually creeps me out, I think the Crypt Keeper used to say it before launching into a tale of horror...hmmm a tale, possibly about parents leaving their precious children at a store that sells eyeglasses and then go to a bar, only to return to find out that their children are dead but they get a great deal on eyeglasses that are in fact made out of their children! AHHHHHHHHHGGG!

OK, we leave our kids with a stranger, I like it, and then we go to a bar. Great. You know, I, like most parents, am able to TOTALLY relax when I go out and leave my child with my sitter or even a family memeber. I never once think about my daughter and how she is doing. Never. (cough) I can confidently say that leaving my children in a store while I go to a bar will allow me to unwind like never before.

Are you trying to sell me glasses? I guess holding an event in which I never actually hang out in the store will achieve that? Better yet, lets fill your store up with "kiddies" and let them go nuts with all the glasses that are on your wall at "kiddie" level. I am not expert parent, but to assume all the "kiddies' dropped off with you are going to be well behaved and sit quietly on the floor and watch UP rather than get over stimulated in a new place with other children surrounded by dress up opportunities with all those glasses sounds like a leap. All I imagine is that scene in Bachealor Party and that when I return Tom Hanks is going to be making out with an inflatable love doll and a goat will be roaming about.

I am sort of interested in coming without my child to watch this train wreck, or at least see who actually comes so I can keep my child away from them.

Good times. If you need me, I'll be calling child services.

xoxo, Biz

I am still not great at crafting

2010-08-23T15:45:00.001-04:00

I believe I have said it before, and if you listen...right now...you'll here me say it again.

I love to make things, but I am not very good at it.

I think part of the problem is that I get excited and start rushing, which leads to uneven cuts and bad sewing. I will instead blame limited space, a baby who takes short naps and a cat who likes to "help."

So what have I made? Pillows...I know, I, know, I have a weakness for pillows. I love them. They are easy to make and forgiving of bad sewing....but wait! Let me finish. I made PILLOW CASES. Awwwww shit.

Why spend a ton of money on what is essentially 2 pieces of fabric sewn together in a rectangle...with one end open. (Pillow case tip: Make sure you leave one end open.) You can instead spend LOT'S of money of expensive fabric, sew it in an irregularly shaped rectangle and admire it from afar.

There is no point in me giving you a tutorial because I don't sew well and you don't want an irregular shaped pillow do you? You are a smart person and can figure it out. I will give you some pillow case tips!

(really over emphasize tips and make it perky.)

1. Pick a fabric that you love but doesn't go with any of the bedding you already have. Fantasize about making sheets and then think about the space you have to sew. Stop laughing and take your fabric to the counter.

2. Remain calm when you hear how much the fabric is per yard and say "sounds great" as they cut the fabric.

3. I like to rush home and then not get to my projects for about 2 to 3 weeks. This is a personal preference. You may prefer 1 week to 1 year.

4. Make sure you have wine. No point in sewing without wine.

5. When the pillow is growing frustrating because you KNOW you measured and the edges should be even and straight, you KNOW THEY ARE despite not lining up and the pillow case feeling like it is bigger than the king pillow case you used as a template...just make a pie.

You can't sew an irregular seam in a pie. Irregularity in pie form is charming.

Ta daaaaaa....Pillow case.

Pretty sweet fabric right? Hello antlers and birds. I'll call them "fall pillows" and maybe santa will bring me some sheets that go with these.

Until the next poorly made but much loved project,

Biz

Its 4pm, where is my baby?

2010-08-13T19:41:00.000-04:00

At the tot lot.

Let that sink in for a second.

TOT

LOT

(I can't decide if it is a compound word or not, but i think "totlot" looks weird, don't you?)

It is a playground in miniature for babies just learning to walk, so it is not usually filled with older kids running at top speed over your baby. Its mostly babies piling up at the bottom of the slide or falling and crying alot or all fighting over a plastic bottle or old bandaid found strewn about.

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear "tot lot?" Well, for me its "killing floor" but for most people they hear "tot lot" and ask if that is anything like a "dog run."

Yes. It is actually just like a dog run.

You bring your baby (or dog) to the "lot" and they sort of roam about, sniffing each other and the parents really only know each other by their child's name...we actually talk more to each other's children more than to each other. "Hi Sophie! What a smart girl you are Sophie!" "Is that a new toy Adele? What a good walker you are!"

How different is this than talking to dogs? "Who is the best boy!? Did you get that stick? Did you get that stick? Such a good boy!"

Like the dog run, parents can quietly stand around judging each other and how much or how little freedom we give our dogs...I mean children vs what they think is best.

Also, children and dogs both come home equally dirty and with something in their mouth that is gross.

xoxo,
Biz

EPIC Year 1

2010-08-10T12:16:00.000-04:00

Its happening…all memories of not enjoying various parts of pregnancy and trying times of last year fading…desire to give unsolicited advice growing stronger….OH NO!

They were right! I hate it when "they" are right. It has been one year and I remember my pregnancy as a dream and this last year as a breeze.

Let's take a moment to reflect on what I wrote a year ago: "I hate being pregnant!"

ummmm...awkward!

I never had "mommy brain" though I did have to start writing things down (keep a notebook ladies). I was tired but who cares and who am I to tell you, unless you caught me on a really bad day. My friends didn't abandon me. By respecting the baby, we found it very easy to travel and "party" with the baby. I give advice all the time and I surrender to the fact that it is impossible not too...though I try to keep it simple: Respect the baby, you know don't force the baby to adjust to what you want, adjust together, your baby needs help sleeping just like they do eating, and you can't spoil a baby with love and support.

I remember all these books and people telling me I had to be careful always responding to my baby's every cry because it would spoil her or she was trying to manipulate me. You know when we saw the first sign of "game playing"? Yesterday. At a year.

What should you do with my advice? Nothing. Ignore it. Tell me to shut my mouth because it is your baby. See, its hard to not give it!

I leave this first year with being comfortable with remembering everything as if it was magnolia scented, unicorn, pots of gold.

Thank you to everyone! Want an amazing first year.

And now I present EPIC FIRST YEAR!

Katy Belle, Year One from Epic Family on Vimeo.

Guess who turns 1 tomorrow?

2010-08-09T22:40:00.000-04:00

That girl!

My baby turns 1 tomorrow. 1 year old.

High fives to me and Stefan for keeping Katy Belle alive for a whole year. Not to say there weren't moments...baby fact: no matter what someone tells you, babies should not drive cars. They are very bad at that.

So how do you celebrate a birthday for a baby? I mean she is a 1 year old. She just mastered "tilting" in terms of drinking from a sippy cup...I am not sure she can grasp the grand concept of life and aging and Barnys.

Katy Belle doesn't watch TV. She is 1. What does she care about TV? Besides, Top Chef sucks this year so what is there for a baby to even watch? Outside of the Sesame Street branded diapers, we haven't given her any "celebrity" toys...like Elmos or Barnys or Mickeys. So she doesn't have a favorite character or the like that you could go into the store and buy plates with pictures of said celebrity on.

We have made a few "baby" friends at the park, but not good enough to invite to a party. All babies at this age seem to do in terms of playing together is swarm any toy on the ground and then cry over it. Plus I am not sure Stefan and I want to spend an afternoon where the "party" is a bunch of parents holding minute long conversations and at the same time swarming over there babies. Let's save that for the playground.

We do have friends with a baby who is younger than Katy Belle, but otherwise, all our friends are still enjoying staying up past 8:30 at night. Penny (the other baby) is cool so, you know, she doesn't count in regards to crazy babies at a party.

So Stefan and I thought about it.

1. we wanted to hang out with our friends. (check)

2. we wanted to make a honorary cocktail to have for Katy Belle (check...slippery punch, check it out on Bon Appetit)

3. we wanted the party to be themed around Katy Belle's favorite thing. Limes. (check)

Yes, Katy Belle's favorite object is a lime. Lime's are Katy Belle's Dora.

I present Katy Belle's first birthday party...lime light. (that is a stretch)

First you need one baby in her birthday suit...redneck style. (you can take the girl out of the south but not the...you know the rest)

(excellent placement of the ship baby girl)

Then you see if your friend Penny can take time from traveling the Oregon Trail to join you.

You put up lots of decorations...(cough)

Then you realize ants are taking over the table so you throw down a table cloth...that luckily goes with the theme...kind of.

That is the Swedish cake Stefan made for Katy Belle! Sort of a sugar cake, with strawberry jam, whip cream and strawberries...all from scratch!

What do you think baby girl?

hmmmmm....what do you think J?

hmmmmmm...

What makes perfect sense is for Katy Belle to put it on her head. She has been really into putting things on her head. Cake obviously goes on the head.

And obviously I am to eat the cake off of her head....

...and obviously, Stefan is to eat our babies hand.

I foresee an unfortunate tradition developing in Katy Belle's future.

Let's get back on track here and remember what this day is all about!

Limes!

And coming together to celebrate limes,

and Monica.

mmmmmm...limes.

Strangely, this was pretty much like any other weekend minus the green attire.

Sleep well baby girl, for tomorrow is your actual birthday and it is going to be just as weird.

Thank you to all our friends who have supported us over this last year...you can't back out now, we'll notice your gone....suckers.

xoxo, Biz

Found a peanut

2010-08-06T19:38:00.000-04:00

Last night I walked into my bedroom, turned on the light and found...

A peanut.

Just because I don't think it was the possum...though perhaps he has brought us an offering or maybe it was food he is bringing to his babies he (yes, I know I am saying he, relaaaaaaax) laid in my Crate and Barrel chair...I know that it wasn't my husband or baby.

See Possum and Possum Returns for back story.

See this picture of a close up of the peanut.

By the way, it was rotten, but I ate it anyway, got sick, called the doctor who said I wouldn't die, but I died anyway, got to heaven, the gates were locked, went the other way...and now I am in hell.

Or referencing a children's song that ends with going to hell like all good children's songs should.

Regardless...WHAT THE HELL IS LEAVING PEANUTS IN MY BEDROOM AND WHERE DID IT EVEN GET A PEANUT?

xoxo, Biz

I am breaking up with you Top Chef season 7

2010-08-03T15:16:00.000-04:00

That was it. I am done. No more Top Chef this season. I said it last week for "Cold War" but I gave in because my husband claims he enjoys watching me watch things I hate. I am pretty funny when I loathe things. So I gave "Power Lunch" a try.

Here is why it is all about the game this season…no one can cook. Ok, they can cook, but not once have I finished an episode craving to eat anything I saw on the show or frantically search the internet for the chef's restaurant.

Last week I organized a conference down in Atlanta. Two months ago when they asked me to coordinate it, the first bought I had was "dinner at Kevin Gillespes!" I had a 5 course tasting at his Woodfire Grill for 25 of my executives and it was amazing. Everything was as delicious and as carefully prepared as I had imagined it would be when I watched him cook on Top Chef last season. I am not one to go ga ga over a chef on a reality show, but every season up until now has made me google and ga ga at least once.

That is the inspiration I seek when watching Top Chef. This year, all I get inspired to do is change the channel…but I got rid of cable and bought the dam season on iTunes!

I don't mean to over think this, but could the problem be your new sponsor? Dial Soap? Soap? Food? I don't get it. Please tell me the connection isn't supposed to be that Dial Soap is scented…or flavored…I don't know how this works, I guess tastes like Lemon Grass, Cherry, Peach…Coconut? So your soap is food? What? By the way Dial, you have a body wash called "Spring Water." (scratch head) Spring Water? Are you selling me water as soap? "Brace yourself for a clean as pure as a woodland spring." No thank you. Last time I was in a woodland spring I had my intestines cleaned with a nasty bacteria.

I checked out your Facebook page, Dial. I am not sure I am comfortable with soap having a Facebook page but I guess you "need it?" Anyway, I found this:

Dial TGIF! Pamper yourselves this weekend with Padma's recommendation for an easy at-home spa treatment: "Once a week, I mix together jojoba oil and coarse sea salt for an at-home exfoliating body scrub treatment. Simply rub and massage this mixture vigorously into the skin just before you have your shower. It’s moisturizin...

Padma shares her recommended beauty regimen for gorgeous, glowing skin

dialnutriskin.com

Summer is officially here and to celebrate, Padma Lakshmi, model, award-winning cookbook author and Emmy-nominated host of the popular Bravo TV series Top Chef, is offering her favorite beauty tips to help achieve radiant, healthy skin.

Dear Dial, Padma is not using Dial.

So here I am Top Chef. It's Tuesday night and you are looming out there…the pull of 5 years of commitment vs an awful season is overwhelming. What will I do? I think I am going to go onto Hulu and watch Wipeout…and you know what? I am going to sleep just fine tonight.

XOXO, Biz

Things I like

2010-08-02T21:32:00.001-04:00

Hello PPPAers!

I was having a nice day in which I was enjoying things and I thought, "You know who might like these 'things?' The five of you."

So here are some things I like and suggest you try if you want to have a nice time.

1. I like having $40 in my pocket. $20 is nice but still can make me feel limited. $40? Well, it can make any day feel like pay day! Plus, you never know when the technology apocalypse is going to happen and won't you feel good with cash when that ATM just went Maximum Overdrive on that dude.

2. The Splendid Table. If you like food and listening to a someone sound like they are constantly in a state of joyous ecstasy, this is the NPR show for you. This isn't just recipes, its conversations about food and people who like food. Go download a podcast...any episode.

3. Castle on ABC. Just give it a try. Its cozy. Just come to terms with the fact that even though you still listen to your Breeders cd, you are older now and the poor man's Brendan Frasier is a turn on.

4. The Urban Homestead. This is a book that was suggested to me by Martha. It is all about learning or relearning how to make your urban living environment less urban....from pickling (which I already love, but will help you from pickling botulism for the winter) to raising chickens (a girl can dream), to saving on electricity (fine, I guess my charger doesn't have to be plugged in when not in use), to composting...and pooping in a bucket. What I like about this book is that despite talking about pooping in a bucket, it is 2 out 10 on the militant scale where 10 means "did you enjoy that tomato? I grew it in my own poop. There is a bucket under your chair, please recycle...the tomato."I felt like a new person just reading it even though I know I won't leap to implement.

P.S. I will never poop in a bucket...unless of course there is a technology apocalypse.

Jordi, I miss you.

XOXO, Biz

EPICgarten

2010-07-18T21:47:00.001-04:00

As you know, we had a baby. Obviously, the big question was "how is this going to affect Stefan's birthday?" The parties are kind of a big deal. There has been the surf party with the surf band, sexy farm party with the jug band, the shitty costume party where everyone had to make their costumes and we had karaoke, the tiki party with Blood of the Kapu Tiki (the floor was red for a long time) and last year's "prom in space." People tend to dress up, logos are made, drinks are themed and neighbors are warned, but now we have a baby. She sleeps here you know. A party in the backyard just isn't gonna work with her bedtime no matter how "cool" our 11 month old is.

Solution? Afternoon party! While baby can't have a messed up bedtime, baby can certainly have one nap screwed up.

I present to you EPICgarten!

Dear Katy Belle, today is the first day of the rest of your life being "themed" by us for our parties. We accept that you may file this away into your "why I hate you" column when you are 14 years old. Love, your Mama and Papa

Beer Garden is a great afternoon party theme...even if there is a heat advisory. Just make sure there is plenty of water to wash down the beer and dehydration...oh and sausage.

All you need are steins...

construction paper flags...

(flags and steins brought to you by Kathy and Spoons)

a long table...

a keg of beer...

and most importantly, people who will drink that beer...and dress up!

What do you think Monica? Is this gonna be a good party?

(Monica says "yes!")

Stefan and I are big believers in costumes. They are fun and I think make for a good party. You don't have to spend tons on them! (unless you are the host and have no time to sew a dirndl)

Here you can see the beauty of suspenders, cardboard, construction paper and a marker.

You can hardly tell the difference between Spoons' paper whatever that is called and Stefan's leather thingy. It's like one is Suave and one is the leading professional brand. They can't tell the difference, can you?

Monica? Can you tell the difference?

(hmmmm...Monica?)

J made a hat! While I have no full length pictures of his whole get up, he looked like a stein! Creative and hilarious and well themed. (J and Jaime always have amazing costumes)

Here is Jaime...now they are in the middle of a move, buying a house, currently homeless, stressed with dog and cat and...you know what...even when you have got all that on your plate, you can still put up some pigtails! Hot damn! I approve! You can also raid the closet of the person who is letting you crash at their home till you get settled. Nicely done.

Now this is excellent...Angela took a tank top and just cut it down in the front and added some ribbon. BRILLIANT!

And that is just a white cloth napkin with some bric-a-brac stuck on with double sided tape.

Now check out Mary in the red dirndl. See the white shirt? Its a HANES shirt that she just cut and stitched up! Awesome! If you think you can do the same thing, you can't. Mary is some sort of costuming, crafting genius. She once made me a banana costume...nuff said.

Of course if you are a baby, all you have to do to fit in at a beer garden is DRINK!

(almost got it there Penny. Keep trying)

Hey Monica, how's the party so far?

(you are starting to creep me out a little)

Now look at these two. Jeesh!

STOP LOOKING SO MISERABLE! So you didn't dress up, god, you are bringing everyone down!

But Biz, what if you didn't bring a costume or some people felt your costume needed work?

That's the spirit!

hmmmmm....where have I seen this face before?

Hang in there Katy Belle. At least we didn't pierce your ears, we are just going to force you to dress up for our parties in costumes. Of course we won't make you do that for your parties. It's like you think we are going to put the same amount of effort in or something. Jeesh.

(Kidding perfect baby girl! You shall have crummy magicians and smelly pony rides if you want!)

Christina is also a crafting genius even if she has keg issues. See that head piece? Dollar store flowers and a headband. Inspiring!

Monica, what do you think of Christina's head gear?

(I keep doing this because she looks so happy. Such a good picture. I appoint her the physical embodiment of the spirit of the party!)

PARTY!

Until tomorrow my friends, when I shall be back and post more pictures!

xoxo, Biz

P.S. of course that is not my real hair. Clip ons people!

Beware of all Would Be Attackers, Including Breast Cancer

2010-07-15T21:17:00.000-04:00

I kid you not PPPAers. Help fight breast cancer with maximum strength pepper spray...now in breast cancer pink!

Let me start with saying that I am all about fighting breast cancer and I am a HUGE advocate of pepper spray.

Hilarious side story. I was living in Atlanta and I had my pepper spray and I had a male friend over helping me move. He was not the brightest bulb in the box and at one point he picked up the pepper spray and said (I kid you not) "how does this work" and while pointing it at himself to get a better look, he sprayed his face. FYI pepper spray works.

Ok, back to the post...while I love fighting breast cancer and love spraying bad guys in the face, I am a little amused by the uniting of the two.

Let's start with the description:
"The Quick Release with detachable keychain allows immediate access to your defense spray when unlocking a door or driving an automobile."

Look I know they mean if someone attacks you while you are opening you door, but it sounds more like they are suggesting you spray down the car.

And here are the features (yes, they say "features"):

Help fight breast cancer
Sabre Red Formula - Maximum strength pepper spray
Detachable keyring with quick release
.54 oz Key Ring
Projects 8 to 10 Feet
Ballistic Stream Delivery - Reduces Wind Blow-Back
Contains Approximately 25 Shots

I really only want to focus on the first bullet point. It makes me smile to think that every time I gas some asshole in the face I am kicking breast cancers ass.

I really wish it said something like "Debilitate your attacker just like Breast Cancer debilitates thousands of women each day!"

In fine print on the packaging it says:

"State laws prohibit us from shipping this pepper spray model to AK, HI, MA, or NY"

"however, State laws do not prohibit Breast Cancer from AK, HI, MA, or NY."(no, it didn't say that.)

This of course reminds me of my good friends, Kasper Hauser, who wrote SkyMaul a few years back which included this little beauty.

I love those guys.

The great news, is if you are looking for a way to support the fight against breast cancer, you can buy this pink pepper spray and SABRE (whose motto is "making grown men cry since 1975") will make a donation to NBCF.

Ok, here is the link, you know you want to check it out...and please don't miss the "Home Defense Pepper Spray Fogger for Family, Property, Home Protection" at the bottom of the page. (There are a lot of things wrong with that concept.)

I love this website and I love Martha for sending me this. I am not even going to question why you were on the site to begin with...I am going to make it my home page now.

xoxo, Biz

My Sister and a postcard

2010-07-13T21:33:00.000-04:00

Hello PPPAers,

As you may or may not know, my sister has joined the online community and has been quite the tweeting and blogging queen...and with such style and grace. One can have manners in the digital age.

I thought I would take a moment to point all five of you toward her site, where she talks about the joys of being a luddite, her new book, writing what you know and much more...the much more being her wonderful videos.

I am posting her newest one here and it may be my favorite. My Sister!

Xoxo, Biz

An Open Letter to Bravo

2010-07-12T14:50:00.002-04:00

Dear Bravo,

Stop fucking up your reality shows.

I hate most reality shows. I don't have the stomach to watch people be horrible to each other or to themselves. I don't like slowing down to look at accidents, I don't like seeing people get punked, and I don't like turning on my TV and seeing people half naked, drunk, slutting it out for the affections of an aging duche bag or getting jammed in the nuts for money.

Then you came along Bravo. You gave me Project Runway. A group of skilled people participating in a reality show where the winner was rewarded for their abilities! ABILITIES! I loved it. My friends loved it. Even if the person was a jerk, it didn't affect if they won or not, it only mattered that they made a pair of pants out of groceries. And you threw in Tim Gunn, a reality show anomaly. There aren't nice people in reality shows! Nice people who are there to help you succeed with no other motive than to help you succeed? JOY! He was pure joy.

My friends and I loved it. Never once did I hear anyone utter the words "couldn't they sex it up?" or "I wish people were nastier to each other or at least making out" in reference to this show. Fine, you lost it to Lifetime and no, it hasn't quite been the same, but let's just move on because the point is that you created this perfect mold and used it to give us…Top Chef!

If Project Runway was an adorable kitten given to me on my 6th birthday, then Top Chef is a pony who speaks english and grants wishes. Each season, without fail, you have given us great chefs (except the obvious 1 or 2 expendable extras that fall off the 1st two weeks…come on, that one guy didn't know what amuse bouche was. This was season 4, he didn't have a chance.) No one talked too much about the game, they just cooked. There was that Elan guy who was pretty crafty, but overall, everyone played nice, not wanting to be beaten because someone didn't have a potato, but because their food was superior.

Then last season…sigh…you gave us a Luck Dragon! Everyone was so good and even your shifty editing in the first episode "I got beat by a girl" couldn't make me hate Michael Isabella…do you know why? HE COULD COOK!

"Ok children, go to bed. Santa Bravo will be here tonight to bring you presents."

"Oh Mom! I can't wait to see what Santa Bravo brings us for Season 7! I have been such a good girl!"

(the next morning)

"Mom? Why did Santa Bravo take a crap in my stocking?"

Who the heck are these contestants? I can't seem to decide which is worse, their cooking or their attitude. I think their attitude. What a nasty group of people. The conniving, the game talk…I mean does anyone like anyone on that show? Also, double elimination? I was just starting to see glimpses of humanity in Arnold and then he gets kicked off over that woman and her "I know how to cook pasta." (by the way, it was obvious that was coming. You guys really need a new editor.) Speaking of editing, what makes this all worse, is that you, my dear friend Bravo, who gave me a kitten, a pony and a luck dragon, are responsible for making everyone look like jerks. Shame on you. You are better than that.

You are you know. You are better than that. You still have time to turn it around.

When you do, I will be here.

xoxo, Biz

I Can't Stop Screaming Inside

2010-07-11T21:00:00.000-04:00

YUCK.
DOUBLE YUCK.

Is this at all necessary? I mean couldn't we have put the money to better use? I'd like to see diaper that doesn't allow "number 2" to shoot up the back. Can we put the bucks there?

I am not sure I could even allow these in my house ironically. I saw a women on YouTube reviewing these diapers (why the heck a diaper needs a review is beyond me) and she says "with these you don't get diaper lines when your little one is wearing jeans."

blink

WHAT? Diaper lines? I am not sure I can even wrap my head around diaper lines being cause for concern. Diaper lines? Is she scared her baby is going to be mistaken for an extra in 9 to 5? (panty lines people.)

I am no cloth diaper subscriber. I am filling up the landfills with the best of them, however, I am so embarrassed for us when the aliens or archaeologist lizards from 3030 dig these up and try to figure out their purpose.

Are we this lost as a culture? Dare I say it....go to a park, go see a concert, go read a book...made of paper. I don't know, do something, but don't give me a crap catcher and call it couture.

If I lost you as a follower over this, then its probably better for both of us if you just go.

xoxo, Biz

Pancakes

2010-07-11T09:11:00.000-04:00

This morning, Katy Belle had her first pancakes.

This shall be the first of many moving, photo recaps...both emotionally and actually moving. I have been inspired by my sister.

Ken Burns has nothing on me...he shouldn't, because he is an expert and I am a 2nd time i-Movie user. Ken Burns could have me killed and make millions off the documentary of my murder.

Pancakes.

pancakes from Epic Family on Vimeo.

(I had this to go up last night but had some video difficulties)

XOXO, Biz

I like it spicy

2010-07-09T21:55:00.000-04:00

So I am back from the offsite and I must say I enjoyed some television. We cut our cable a few months back as a way to save money and I haven't missed it. I get any shows I want to see via iTunes or Hulu or the like and watch them when I can. However, there is something to be said for chilling out and watching some tv. In doing so, I saw this. I am in love for so many reasons. I will let you count the ways...

PS. Now that I am back home I will have the proper time and tools to live up to my sub-par blogging that you have come to know and love.

xoxo, Biz

Where in the world is Biz?

2010-07-08T23:37:00.002-04:00

In the lap of luxury.

Www.OceanHouseRI.com

Try to not be jealous. Try.

I must say I feel very at home in 5 star surroundings. If only I could afford to enjoy them while not working.

But the great news is the group actually retired early and I would have written sooner but I had to soak in the marble soaking tub.

Life is not always so hard. I am happy that I am in a place in my life where i can enjoy something as fine as this and not spend the rest of my life pouting that I can't all the time.

Its all about enjoying what you can, when you can...and moving on to what may come next.

I can't wait to get home tomorrow night to see Stefan and my amazing baby girl, who are both better than a soaking tub any day of the week...except Thursdays.

Xoxo,
Biz

My sister on the Huffington post

2010-07-07T17:30:00.000-04:00

Hello PPPAers,

While I am off in Watch Hill, RI at the most amazing resort for a company offsite I am organizing, preparing to play croquet in my khakis and whites (ahoy paloy), I give you the link to my sister's blog posting on the Huffington Post. Diary of a poker-playing, novelist, housewife.

I am so proud!

xoxo,
Biz

The Elderly May Be Trying To Kill You

2010-07-06T22:00:00.000-04:00

So this week I am up in RI for and offsite. I got here via train. On the train i overheard the following conversation:

Young woman on cell phone: yeah, I cant wait to see you either Mama! Don't talk to strangers! Byeeeeeeyeeeee.

Old woman next to her: well that is a role reversal.

Young woman no longer on cell phone: hmmmm?

Old woman: you telling your mother to not talk to strangers.

Young woman: oh, thats not my mom. Thats my friend who I always call Mama! Ha hahahahahahaha!

Old woman: (pause) well it is good advice.I

(me to myself: stranger danger! Stranger danger! Hello, old lady is a stranger no matter how much she looks like your grandma.)

Young woman: umhmmmmm!

Old woman: would you like a grape?

(me to myself: POISON! POISON! POISON! Don't eat the grapes!)

Young woman: no thank you.

Old woman: (under her breath) your going to die.

The end

Ok, that last line is not true. Of course the train was pretty loud.

See you tomorrow!

Xoxo,
Biz

We Be Jamming

2010-07-05T15:15:00.000-04:00

So in another attempt at domestic bliss and supermomming I have made jam.

After my first attempt at jam (strawberry) last week that was so successful and easy...holy cow people...strawberry jam was EASY...I decided to jam something else.

Actually, let me first give you the strawberry jam recipe. Don't be afraid.

1 lb of strawberries

1 cup of sugar

2 tablespoons of fresh squeezed lemon juice

Bam! Jam! That is it.

Take off the ends of the strawberries, dump them in a sauce pan, mash them up, pour in the other two ingredients, and mix it up over medium heat till the sugar dissolves. This is about 5 minutes give or take, then turn up the heat to medium high and get it going at a good simmer and don't stop mixing. Just keep going till it makes a little mound when you drop a spoonful of it on a cold dish.

By mound I mean it doesn't pour off the plate when you tip it and after it cools its a little goopy to the touch. My tip is let it cook about 2 minutes past when you think it should be done because you are probably like me and over eager. This only takes about 15 to 20 minutes and is a great thing to do with your child if they are old enough to stir or while you have friends over and hanging out in the kitchen.

Put it in a jar and you have jam. Oh, in case you don't usually save your bacon grease, you may not realize you should put a metal knife in the glass jar before pouring hot anything into it. Otherwise you may get more glass in your jam than you might like.

Ok, on to this week's jams.

The first jam was black currant. I got over excited by the strawberry jam and thought all jams would be as fast. Not the case.

Here are the cute little berries in their hair nets.

Adorable.

Then I realized I had to cut off all the little flower butts. (Not the technical term)

Suddenly 2 pints of adorable currants became a million pains in the flowering butt.

This recipe was water and sugar. You boil till it becomes jam.

Sadly, I added 5 minutes over the two recommended above and it is a bit thick, but I don't like currents so I am not eating it. Stefan loves currants and says he can gladly choke it down.

Onto Raspberry Jam!

Same recipe as Strawberry jam!

1 pound is roughly 5 of these little guys.

(Are you admiring the monster bush of dill there behind the berries. Might there be a pickling post to come?)

Mash, mix, simmer.

Pour into adorable glass jars. (don't forget your knife)

Feel really proud of yourself, shout your mantra (I am better than Martha Stewart and Kelly Ripa) even though you don't have any bows or crocheted lids and your jam doesn't quite fill up the jars.

In terms of canning, I tried to actually boil, and seal two of these. I am not at all confident that I have done it correctly despite the little bump in the center of the lid going POP! I guess we will have to wait for my post on botulism.

I say stick with a small batch of jam and put everything in the fridge and just eat it right away.

I know you are asking, "Biz, how do you find the time?"

I ignore my baby and husband.

xoxo,

Biz

Its Curtains for Katy Belle

2010-07-04T18:52:00.000-04:00

Get it? I killed my baby. ahhhhhh haaaaaaa.

Cough

Please don't called child services.

I think we all know that if a hair on my baby's head was hurt I would rip the heart out of whoever did it like a wild bear.

pause

ummmm....on to adorable curtains?

Several months ago I had this brilliant idea to make curtains for Katy Belle's room to help take the glare out from the sun that makes it through the blinds for her afternoon naps. So I measured and headed off to the fabric store, only to come home and not have enough fabric.

I believe I have mentioned that I am not great at crafting. I tend to rush and I have no idea how I could be so off in terms of measurements, but I was and so I and the fabric sat around for a long time.

Then I realized I could take some of the other mis-measured fabric I had laying around and sew it to the curtain fabric...I know...why am I not doing this professionally...and wind up with the correct length for curtains.

I am not going to give you a tutorial on sewing curtains because they really are easy...if you have a sewing machine. If you are planning on doing it by hand, you have more time than I do.

Curtains are basically:

Press the edges about 1/4th of an inch twice to make a nice edge.

Sew that down.

Then make a fold where you want the top of your curtains to be, wide enough to get a curtain rod through and sew that along the edge.

Bam! Curtains! If you do what I did and need to sew two pieces together to make them longer or just to be cute....just put the pieces face to face (the fronts) and sew along that edge then press that down.

Tadaaaaaa. I know, I should teach...or not....but it is really common sense. Go look at some basic curtains and then make curtains.

Now, are you ready to be dazzled?

"Hey Biz, one of those is shorter than the other."

I know, we want it to be able to block light but not air, so I pinned it up with safety pins. Once summer is over and we take out the AC it will unfurl in all its glory.

Look, I am not saying that Laura Ashley is going to call and ask for her curtains back, but I think they are super sweet and they make it darker for nap times and it cost me less than $20.

Now for a reminder about my superior craftsmenship...aka...I stink at crafts and that's ok....

Nice.

I am sure one of you is wondering about that print hanging on the wall. Who can tell me where it is from? (probably all of you can seeing as only my friends and family really read this and you have all been told what that is a print of, but lets pretend millions read this.)

Till tomorrow and the recap of my jamming project,

Biz