"'9 to 5' is for Phonies" - By Holden Caulfield

First of all, I want everyone to know right now that this movie is lousy with morons. If you're anything like me (which is to say kind of tall for your age), then run like hell. "9 to 5" is strictly for phonies. I knew a guy at Pencey - Ward Rosenthall - who would probably sell his own grandmother to a bull fight to sit through this crap. He would. He would sit there thinking it was a swell time and all and probably repeat every third line just to hear the sound of his own voice. Ward Rosenthall was in love with his voice. He would sometimes poke his head in the door of a bus that stopped just to ask the driver a question just so that everyone on the bus would goddamn swoon. "How might one get to Hawthorne?" It was corny. Anyway, I bet old Ward would be sitting there watching "9 to 5" with his goons in tow, all laughing like hyenas and holding their breath waiting for Ward to say something witty about Dolly Parton and I bet his babe from St. Bernadettes would sit there bored as hell wishing she were ringing in the New Year with Sebastian Bach on a yacht or something. His babe from St. Bernadette's used to kill me sometimes, I swear. He was a baboon, but she was okay. She was practically the only girl who I ever met who hated horses. Girls usually go mad with joy whenever they see a horse. They go: "Horse!" and point at it and everything, but not old Suzette from St. Bernadette's. She'd make up a joke about glue. She knocked me out.

So "9 to 5" is basically about a bunch of dames who hate working so they try to kill their boss.
Don't go see it, unless you want to puke all over yourself.

J. Caulfield.

Lookee-likes: Dr. Phil & Desmond Llewelyn!

The rest of them? As the famous Elephant Larry members say: "Fneh". And if I sound disappointed, it's because I was hoping for Lou Diamond Phillips.
J.

Ideas...dangerously wicked ideas.

Hi. Tempy McTemp here delivering special to you hard hittin' reportin' right between the eyes!

And today it's another case of "I hope you brought a book". And again, said by extremely sweet people. No really; sometimes people are so super nice at the slowest of businesses that it makes you want to screw up some filing in secret (in advance, by either busting into the place during the night or a good old fashioned time machine) just so that you can help them. It's a good sign when you show up and they know your name and two people are waiting to greet you with a pink box (which always means donuts or in some cases, a slice of Lady Baltimore cake) followed by a tour of the Breakroom of Dreams featuring all the different teas Stash has to offer and real Half & Half.

This has been happening more often than not: an office with a staff of sixty strong on the extensions list, about fifty people out and the phone rings a grand total of eight times. These are the businesses that seem to be the nicest or most agreeable. It's the busy places that have none of these attributes. The busiest businesses have the mean staff of a hundred, they're all in and they only have coffee and shitty powdered dairy creamer which tastes like shoe. No one takes their calls and they like Cathy and all of her bathing suit & chocolate man-woes without irony. Their 1992 allegiance to Cathy is still aging right there on their pathetic fridge.

It's at the places where I sit reading the book they hope I brought where I get ideas. Maybe it's being inspired to freely poke around the internet at the suggestion of my Day Bosses, or maybe it's the being offered eight issues of Us Weekly (speaking of - holy fucking god somebody please help Britney. She's breaking my heart, y'all.) Either way, here are a few ideas. Under the heading of "Ideas". Or "Ideas!!!".

IDEAS:
1. ROLLER RINK FOR FANS OF SLIDING AROUND IN SOCKS
(A bit of a mouthful but I think that together we can come up with something more simple.) What I have in mind is a roller rink where people are free to slide around in their favorite pair of socks on the biggest highly waxed hardwood floor they've ever seen. But with music! And a hot dog stand with popcorn, pretzels and other National Pastime foods. The appeal would be that you can slide for hours without the chance of busting any lamps or vases in your own home. You can also slide without worrying about gliding directly into any kitchen knives or fearing that the family dog will hurricane right under your feet as you sail down the hall slamming into the front door. Just like skating, there will be a Speed Slide session, Change Directions, Couples Slide and All Slide. The only thing really missing are wheels, but this may revolutionize how fast sessions can change over. There's no lumbering skates with laces to deal with - just socks. Think about a children's birthday party with twelve six year-olds. Think about doing and undoing skates for twenty four fidgety tiny feet. Think about how long that would take. Now think about if it were just socks that you had to deal with. You're in, you're out. Time for cake, everyone goes home, you take your brandy & aspirin nap at least an hour earlier than planned! No name yet, though I'm leaning toward: Roller Rink But for Socks!

2. METH ADDICT CHILDREN FINDING SYSTEM
What's something that all meth addicts seem to have in common? Besides a passion for crystal meth? Guess in the blank! They _____ their kids and ____ ____their cigarettes. If you said "lose" before "their kids" and "don't lose" before "their cigarettes", you're absolutely right! What's the solution? It's as easy as scotch taping cigarette packs to the foreheads of their children. This way, nothing is lost (except for maybe a few teeth down the road...)


And that's all the time for ideas today.
See you next time!
J.

My Mothers' 1968 Delivery Spcial

It might be a small thing to most, but as a record geek and a gal that grew up in a house of jazz and Elvis, I was pleasantly shocked and suprised to find out only THIS WEEK, (and I can't believe I never knew this) that Elvis Presley's 1968 Comeback Special aired on December 3rd, 1968; the day I was born.

This made me very happy.

In celebration, I am now going to watch 'Clambake'.
J.

IN SESSION NOW: Things!

I'd like to tell you what temping can be like. Feast or famine, friend. Feast or famine. Right now it's feast AND famine. I have work to "go to" for the next week, but as to actual work, they said: "I hope you brought a book". Extremely nice people - just nothing to do.

I spent the past two weeks building shelves for the Portland branch of the Danish company that makes and owns all the wind-power turbines in the Universe. I built about 20 shelves and the days whipped by. Right now I'm covering a front desk which has this and that blocked from the internet but was told: "Hey, if you can find something fun to do - by all means..."

I got really tired of "Which ________ Are You?" quizzes (I am Nick from "Freaks and Geeks", Ariel the Little Mermaid, Frosted Cheerios, an Otter, Chocolate Kisses, Supergirl (DC), Sue Storm (Marvel) and Greek God Poseidon. As far as which Stones' song I am, it turned out to be "Sympathy for the Devil" which is weird because I feel more like "Tumbling Dice" with a sprinkling of "Brown Sugar").

Since the Pony wasn't blocked, I started thinking about all the things I can look up for the sole purpose of looking at something new and then sharing this wealth of information.

So here we go. Just 'Things':

DRESSING A RATTLESNAKE FOR COOKING: Take dead rattlesnake, place on cutting board, and hold firmly behind the head. Cut off head and discard. Cut off rattlers for your collection. Strip off the skin and save. One long skin can make a good hat band. Make a long slice on the underside and remove all internal organs. Cut into chunks and refrigerate until ready to use (can be frozen). Use as directed in your favorite recipes.

FEND OFF A SHARK: Hit back. If a shark is coming toward you or attacks you, use anything you have in your possession—a camera, probe, harpoon gun, your fist—to hit the shark's eyes or gills, which are the areas most sensitive to pain.

WHO INVENTED TRAINS? Trains were invented in 1822 by an English inventor named George Stephenson.

SEALS ARE PUPPIES OF THE SEA: Fur seals are the smallest seals and are closely related to dogs. They have teeth, whiskers and thick fur, similar to the coat of a dog. They don't have layers of fat like other seals but rely on their thick fur coat to keep them warm. These seals are very successful at finding concentrations of food. They are also very active and eat alot of food. Fur seals breed on land, usually on islands, and some of them visit Antarctica to feed on krill.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED AT DISNEYLAND? At least 53.

NAMES OF ALL THE RIDES AT THIS YEAR'S CLARK COUNTY FAIR:

1001 Nachts
Cliff Hanger
Evolution
Energy Storm
Giant Slide
Giant Wheel
Gravitron
Inverter
Ring of Fire
Zillerator
Thunderbolt
YO-YO
Scooters
Zipper
Eagle 16
Super Slide
Tilt
Hard Rock Palace
Scrambler
Tornado
Ghost Party
Astroliner

Century Carousel
Wacky Worm Coaster
Mardi Gras
Airport 8
Bear Affair
Demolition Derby
Lolli Swings
Looney Tooter
Shrek

Splash N Crash
Roadster
Orient Express
Corvettes
Kid Swings

THE ONE THAT SOUNDS THE MOST VOMITY:

Inverter

THE ONE I CAN NOT STOP LAUGHING AT:

Bear Affair

HOW TO CHANGE A FLAT TIRE:

TOOLS!
Make sure you have the following in your trunk:
Lug nut wrench (an X-type would do great)
A two-foot sturdy metal pipe that fits in the handle of your wrench
At least a hydraulic cylindrical/floor jack (not one of those stock jacks that usually come with the car)
A flat head screwdriver
Early warning device (EWD, that red reflective triangle)
Wheel chock
Penetrating lube (WD-40)
Inflated spare tire

STEPS!
Here’s how to change a flat:
Pull over and park the car on level ground. Put on your parking brakes. Put on your hazard lights. Pop up your hood to give other motorists a clue that you’ve pulled up for repairs. Place the EWD a few meters from the tail of your car to warn oncoming traffic.
Use a wheel chock (or a large rock) to prevent the car from rolling or pitching forward. If you parked on a slight incline, park your car diagonally.
Using your screwdriver, remove the hubcap or wheel center ornament (if your wheels have them).
Loosen the lug nuts. Your pipe and lug nut wrench would come in handy to give you more leverage (No need for oafish brute force here, use physics to help you out). For those stubborn lug nuts, some squirts of lube maybe needed. Loosen the nuts in a star pattern - after doing one, loosen the one opposite to it.
Jack up your car. Consult you car’s manual for the safe placement of jack. They recommend investing in one of those hydraulic floor jacks. You probably need to be able to bench 300 to work those jackscrews that come free with your car. Make sure make enough clearance to remove and put on the spare.
Remove the lug nuts and place them where you won’t loose them.
Remove the tire and set it aside.
Put in the spare. If you’re unsure which side goes where. The air valve should be facing out. You’d want the tire to be flush and aligned.
Replace the lug nuts following the star pattern.
Lower the jack and ease the car down slowly. You don’t want your precious car to slam back down the pavement.
Tighten the lug nuts with wrench. Avoid fully tightening a nut (hee!) before you get to tighten the others. The wheel might tilt a bit and you wouldn’t be able to tighten the other nuts (hee!) Do this in two or three rounds. When the wheel’s flush, make an effort to really tighten it (hee!)
Put the hubcap or center ornament back on.
Do a quick check if everything is flush and tight.
Put away all your tools.

Get back on the road. Avoid the Zodiac Killer.

MANGO SALSA!

1 ripe mango, peeled, pitted, and diced (about 1 1/2 cup)

1/2 medium red onion, finely chopped

1 Jalapeño chile, minced (include ribs and seeds for a hotter taste if desired)

1 small cucumber, peeled and diced (about 1 cup)

3 Tbsp fresh cilantro leaves, chopped

3 Tbsp fresh lime juice

Salt and pepper to taste

Combine all of the ingredients in a bowl. Season to taste with salt and pepper. If the salsa ends up being a little too hot or acidic for your taste, you can temper it by adding some diced avocado.

Now eat up and avoid the Zodiac Killer.

CRICKET IS FUCKED UP BASEBALL? THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THE RULES (As basic as possibly can be):

1. Cricket is played with two teams of eleven (that's screwy right there) with two umpires on an oval shaped field. The bat is oblong shaped, about as long as a baseball bat and flat on one side. A traditional ball is made of cork and sticthed up in leather and weighs about 10 oz.

2. In the middle of the field is what is known as a pitch. A pitch is a hard, flat strip of dry ground around 18 metres long. Two batsman are at the pitch at a time, both at different ends, with one facing the delivery of the ball from the bowler. The bowler runs up to the pitch where he bowls the ball overarm with a straight arm.

3. Teams score by getting (the) runs (hee!) A run is completed when a batsman hits the ball and then runs to the other end of the cricket pitch, getting past the crease. The non striking batsman has to run to the opposite end as well. The batsman can run as many times as they like, but the batsmen can get out if their stumps are hit with the ball by a fielder before the batsman reaches the crease. The stumps are what make this game really confusing: The stumps are three sticks of equal size measuring around 90 centimetres tall with 5 centimetres separating them. Bails (small pieces of wood) are balanced on top of the stumps.

4. Other ways runs can be scored are by hitting boundaries. Boundaries are scored when the ball is hit and touches or goes past the outer edge of the field. Four runs are scored when the batsmen hits the ball and the ball hits the ground before reaching the outer edge of the boundary, and six runs are scored when the ball is hit and goes over the boundary without touching the ground.

5. Runs can also be scored in the following ways: No balls, when the bowler oversteps the crease, bowls in a dangerous manner or incorrectly. A no ball is worth one run. A wide is scored when the ball goes outside the line of the pitch before coming in line with the batsman. This is also worth one run.

6. A leg bye (?!) is scored when the ball hits the batsman but doesnt contact his bat and then proceeds to run. A bye is scored when the batsman runs without the ball coming into into contact with the batsman or his bat, and then runs.

OUTS:

7. The fielding team can get the batsman out in several ways, by (1) catching him out. This is done when the batsman hits the ball with his bat and a fielder catches the ball on the full (without bouncing).

8. bowling him out. This happens when the bowler bowls the ball and the ball strikes the batsmans stumps or bails.

9. By leg before wicket (those stumps together are called a 'wicket'), or LBW. This happens when the bowler bowls it and the stumps being hit by the ball are prevented when the batsmans leg gets in the way.

10. By 'stumped', when the batsman comes forward to hit the hit but steps out of his crease, misses the ball and the fielder behind the stumps collects the ball hits the stumps before the batsman gets back behind his crease.

11. By run out, when the batsman attempts to score a run but has his stumps hit by the ball before he reaches the other crease.

12. By hit wicket, when the batsman hits his own stumps while trying to hit the ball (the funniest!)

13. By retired, when the batsman voluntarily decides to finish his innings.

14. By timed out, when the next batsman doesn't appear on the pitch within two minutes of the last batsman getting out.

15. By Barn Elf when the last one to hit the stumps has to leave porridge for the Barn Elf by midday. If the Barn Elf doesn't show, then everyone is automatically out and has to watch Diagnosis Murder together as a family.

16.Each team has one innings. This innings can last anything from 20 overs (a series of 6 bowls by a bowler) to an unlimited over match. Most one day matches are played with each side having 50 overs (or 300 balls). If 10 of a team's batsman are out, the innings ends there regardless of how many balls are left to be bowled.

The team that scores the most runs in their innings is the team that wins.

That's it for now. I hope you learned something or at least had a chuckle at my Zodiac Killer references.

Until next time!

J.

"MUH-MUH-MUH MY PATRONUS!"

A Patronus is guaranteed protection against Dementors in the form of a silvery animal. Harry Potter's Patronus is a stag. Hermione's is an otter. Here's some others...

MY TOP FIVE FANTASY PATRONUSES:
1. OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN















2. IGGY POP


















Having 1974 Iggy Pop as a Patronus would be like a Halloween Christmas. Slinky and silvery without the help of a wand, Iggy would be like a graceful woodland Doe until he takes too much mescaline, and then the Dementors would be in a world of hurt. Iggy would most likely keep it light these days though. A lot of fun horrible jokes, a thermos of coffee, earnest enthusiasm and a winning smile.

3. CHARLES NELSON RILEY (R.I.P)















I honestly would feel the safest with Charles Nelson Riley. I would feel not scared and that everything would be okay. Perhaps I'd be lucky enough for him to tell me stories about 1960's Hollywood? I would probably produce the Charles Nelson Riley Patronus everyday just so that I could ask him about Match Game. Or so that he could give me a caramel from his pocket. After five minutes with Charles Nelson Riley, the Dementors would be ready to give up the evil and go bowling with Charo. Believe me.

4. RIO

















"...Cherry ice cream smile / I suppose it's very nice." With testament like that from Simon LeBon, the clear choice for Number Four (Privet Drive...Heeee! Nerds.) is the one who dances on the sand: Rio. Her plan is to distract the Dementors with champange and mischief (much like when she drove Duran Duran crazy - in love! - with her beach shenanigans in the music video).

5. KING PANDA OF CAKELAND
"I AM KING PANDA OF CAKELAND! TODAY I SHALL HAVE THREE PIECES! CHANGE THE STATION! CHANGE THE STATION! FOR I DO NOT LIKE THE PUFF DADDY! YES! KEEP THE STATION THERE FOR IT IS THAT SUMMER HIT THAT I DO NOT WANT TO LIKE, YET I CANNOT STOP DANCING TO! I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SEW! TEACH ME! TEACH ME! I DO NOT LIKE SEWING ANYMORE! UNLEARN MY HEAD OF SEWING! UNLEARN MY HEAD OF SEWING! IT IS TIME AGAIN FOR NEW CAKE! TOSS ME THAT BALL FOR I KNOW FOURSQUARE SHORTCUTS THAT WILL SAVE YOUR FOURSQUARE GAME REPUTATION!"

Who is YOUR favorite Patronus?
Write us!
Biz & Jordi
PPPA
Australia, USA
-J.