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Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

IN SESSION NOW: Things!

I'd like to tell you what temping can be like. Feast or famine, friend. Feast or famine. Right now it's feast AND famine. I have work to "go to" for the next week, but as to actual work, they said: "I hope you brought a book". Extremely nice people - just nothing to do.

I spent the past two weeks building shelves for the Portland branch of the Danish company that makes and owns all the wind-power turbines in the Universe. I built about 20 shelves and the days whipped by. Right now I'm covering a front desk which has this and that blocked from the internet but was told: "Hey, if you can find something fun to do - by all means..."

I got really tired of "Which ________ Are You?" quizzes (I am Nick from "Freaks and Geeks", Ariel the Little Mermaid, Frosted Cheerios, an Otter, Chocolate Kisses, Supergirl (DC), Sue Storm (Marvel) and Greek God Poseidon. As far as which Stones' song I am, it turned out to be "Sympathy for the Devil" which is weird because I feel more like "Tumbling Dice" with a sprinkling of "Brown Sugar").

Since the Pony wasn't blocked, I started thinking about all the things I can look up for the sole purpose of looking at something new and then sharing this wealth of information.

So here we go. Just 'Things':

DRESSING A RATTLESNAKE FOR COOKING: Take dead rattlesnake, place on cutting board, and hold firmly behind the head. Cut off head and discard. Cut off rattlers for your collection. Strip off the skin and save. One long skin can make a good hat band. Make a long slice on the underside and remove all internal organs. Cut into chunks and refrigerate until ready to use (can be frozen). Use as directed in your favorite recipes.

FEND OFF A SHARK: Hit back. If a shark is coming toward you or attacks you, use anything you have in your possession—a camera, probe, harpoon gun, your fist—to hit the shark's eyes or gills, which are the areas most sensitive to pain.

WHO INVENTED TRAINS? Trains were invented in 1822 by an English inventor named George Stephenson.

SEALS ARE PUPPIES OF THE SEA: Fur seals are the smallest seals and are closely related to dogs. They have teeth, whiskers and thick fur, similar to the coat of a dog. They don't have layers of fat like other seals but rely on their thick fur coat to keep them warm. These seals are very successful at finding concentrations of food. They are also very active and eat alot of food. Fur seals breed on land, usually on islands, and some of them visit Antarctica to feed on krill.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED AT DISNEYLAND? At least 53.

NAMES OF ALL THE RIDES AT THIS YEAR'S CLARK COUNTY FAIR:

1001 Nachts
Cliff Hanger
Evolution
Energy Storm
Giant Slide
Giant Wheel
Gravitron
Inverter
Ring of Fire
Zillerator
Thunderbolt
YO-YO
Scooters
Zipper
Eagle 16
Super Slide
Tilt
Hard Rock Palace
Scrambler
Tornado
Ghost Party
Astroliner

Century Carousel
Wacky Worm Coaster
Mardi Gras
Airport 8
Bear Affair
Demolition Derby
Lolli Swings
Looney Tooter
Shrek

Splash N Crash
Roadster
Orient Express
Corvettes
Kid Swings

THE ONE THAT SOUNDS THE MOST VOMITY:

Inverter

THE ONE I CAN NOT STOP LAUGHING AT:

Bear Affair

HOW TO CHANGE A FLAT TIRE:

TOOLS!
Make sure you have the following in your trunk:
Lug nut wrench (an X-type would do great)
A two-foot sturdy metal pipe that fits in the handle of your wrench
At least a hydraulic cylindrical/floor jack (not one of those stock jacks that usually come with the car)
A flat head screwdriver
Early warning device (EWD, that red reflective triangle)
Wheel chock
Penetrating lube (WD-40)
Inflated spare tire

STEPS!
Here’s how to change a flat:
Pull over and park the car on level ground. Put on your parking brakes. Put on your hazard lights. Pop up your hood to give other motorists a clue that you’ve pulled up for repairs. Place the EWD a few meters from the tail of your car to warn oncoming traffic.
Use a wheel chock (or a large rock) to prevent the car from rolling or pitching forward. If you parked on a slight incline, park your car diagonally.
Using your screwdriver, remove the hubcap or wheel center ornament (if your wheels have them).
Loosen the lug nuts. Your pipe and lug nut wrench would come in handy to give you more leverage (No need for oafish brute force here, use physics to help you out). For those stubborn lug nuts, some squirts of lube maybe needed. Loosen the nuts in a star pattern - after doing one, loosen the one opposite to it.
Jack up your car. Consult you car’s manual for the safe placement of jack. They recommend investing in one of those hydraulic floor jacks. You probably need to be able to bench 300 to work those jackscrews that come free with your car. Make sure make enough clearance to remove and put on the spare.
Remove the lug nuts and place them where you won’t loose them.
Remove the tire and set it aside.
Put in the spare. If you’re unsure which side goes where. The air valve should be facing out. You’d want the tire to be flush and aligned.
Replace the lug nuts following the star pattern.
Lower the jack and ease the car down slowly. You don’t want your precious car to slam back down the pavement.
Tighten the lug nuts with wrench. Avoid fully tightening a nut (hee!) before you get to tighten the others. The wheel might tilt a bit and you wouldn’t be able to tighten the other nuts (hee!) Do this in two or three rounds. When the wheel’s flush, make an effort to really tighten it (hee!)
Put the hubcap or center ornament back on.
Do a quick check if everything is flush and tight.
Put away all your tools.

Get back on the road. Avoid the Zodiac Killer.

MANGO SALSA!

1 ripe mango, peeled, pitted, and diced (about 1 1/2 cup)

1/2 medium red onion, finely chopped

1 Jalapeño chile, minced (include ribs and seeds for a hotter taste if desired)

1 small cucumber, peeled and diced (about 1 cup)

3 Tbsp fresh cilantro leaves, chopped

3 Tbsp fresh lime juice

Salt and pepper to taste

Combine all of the ingredients in a bowl. Season to taste with salt and pepper. If the salsa ends up being a little too hot or acidic for your taste, you can temper it by adding some diced avocado.

Now eat up and avoid the Zodiac Killer.

CRICKET IS FUCKED UP BASEBALL? THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THE RULES (As basic as possibly can be):

1. Cricket is played with two teams of eleven (that's screwy right there) with two umpires on an oval shaped field. The bat is oblong shaped, about as long as a baseball bat and flat on one side. A traditional ball is made of cork and sticthed up in leather and weighs about 10 oz.

2. In the middle of the field is what is known as a pitch. A pitch is a hard, flat strip of dry ground around 18 metres long. Two batsman are at the pitch at a time, both at different ends, with one facing the delivery of the ball from the bowler. The bowler runs up to the pitch where he bowls the ball overarm with a straight arm.

3. Teams score by getting (the) runs (hee!) A run is completed when a batsman hits the ball and then runs to the other end of the cricket pitch, getting past the crease. The non striking batsman has to run to the opposite end as well. The batsman can run as many times as they like, but the batsmen can get out if their stumps are hit with the ball by a fielder before the batsman reaches the crease. The stumps are what make this game really confusing: The stumps are three sticks of equal size measuring around 90 centimetres tall with 5 centimetres separating them. Bails (small pieces of wood) are balanced on top of the stumps.

4. Other ways runs can be scored are by hitting boundaries. Boundaries are scored when the ball is hit and touches or goes past the outer edge of the field. Four runs are scored when the batsmen hits the ball and the ball hits the ground before reaching the outer edge of the boundary, and six runs are scored when the ball is hit and goes over the boundary without touching the ground.

5. Runs can also be scored in the following ways: No balls, when the bowler oversteps the crease, bowls in a dangerous manner or incorrectly. A no ball is worth one run. A wide is scored when the ball goes outside the line of the pitch before coming in line with the batsman. This is also worth one run.

6. A leg bye (?!) is scored when the ball hits the batsman but doesnt contact his bat and then proceeds to run. A bye is scored when the batsman runs without the ball coming into into contact with the batsman or his bat, and then runs.

OUTS:

7. The fielding team can get the batsman out in several ways, by (1) catching him out. This is done when the batsman hits the ball with his bat and a fielder catches the ball on the full (without bouncing).

8. bowling him out. This happens when the bowler bowls the ball and the ball strikes the batsmans stumps or bails.

9. By leg before wicket (those stumps together are called a 'wicket'), or LBW. This happens when the bowler bowls it and the stumps being hit by the ball are prevented when the batsmans leg gets in the way.

10. By 'stumped', when the batsman comes forward to hit the hit but steps out of his crease, misses the ball and the fielder behind the stumps collects the ball hits the stumps before the batsman gets back behind his crease.

11. By run out, when the batsman attempts to score a run but has his stumps hit by the ball before he reaches the other crease.

12. By hit wicket, when the batsman hits his own stumps while trying to hit the ball (the funniest!)

13. By retired, when the batsman voluntarily decides to finish his innings.

14. By timed out, when the next batsman doesn't appear on the pitch within two minutes of the last batsman getting out.

15. By Barn Elf when the last one to hit the stumps has to leave porridge for the Barn Elf by midday. If the Barn Elf doesn't show, then everyone is automatically out and has to watch Diagnosis Murder together as a family.

16.Each team has one innings. This innings can last anything from 20 overs (a series of 6 bowls by a bowler) to an unlimited over match. Most one day matches are played with each side having 50 overs (or 300 balls). If 10 of a team's batsman are out, the innings ends there regardless of how many balls are left to be bowled.

The team that scores the most runs in their innings is the team that wins.

That's it for now. I hope you learned something or at least had a chuckle at my Zodiac Killer references.

Until next time!

J.


1 Comments:

At 2:40 PM, Blogger Jason said...

you are a shining example of American productivity Jordi!
I'd like two tickets to the Looney Tooter please.

 

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