It's Halloween and time to scare the neighbors!

(please stick around for the whole post for a special video treat)

Hi Pony Riders,

Guess who still enjoys scaring the heebie jeebies out of people on Halloween...even though they have their own baby now?

This girl...

...this guy...

...and introducing KATY BELLE!

My, my, my did this year turn out well even though we changed ideas the night before Halloween!

Well, let me start by saying that the premise, regardless, was going to involve a trunk, Stefan's severed head and candy. (see above).

A little over a year ago Stefan found a great, old trunk on the street and brought it home. It was stuck closed so we never bothered to open it and used to keep the stereo on. But now we wanted to use it for Halloween which meant we had to open it.

If Law and Order has taught me anything...there was probably something in the trunk. More than likely, something dead.

So let's open that trunk!

What's in it Stefan? (please don't be a dead body, please don't be a dead body...)

OH...MY...GOD...

Halloween makeup. I kid you not....Halloween makeup was inside the trunk. It's a Halloween miracle.

There was also some weird film strip negatives and Polish postcards...and a rather unpleasant odor.

Stefan...is there anything else in the box?

STEFAN!

Ok...Biz does a little creative work with cloth and a staple gun and voila!

Now...we just need to get the front ready...with COBWEBS!

Please note PROPER cob webbing. It's not about quantity...its about thin, quality.

I promise I will get to the actual idea in a second, but there is a bit more with set up you should see. You may be aware that our good friends Kathy and Spoons moved in upstairs and so for the first time in EPIC Halloween history we were able to do a BI-LEVEL set up.

Here is Spoons with cardboard wood for boarding up windows!

And here is the lovely Mary Burke...about to become a Halloween horror story herself if she falls out that window....

Oh, you may be wondering where our 3 month old baby is during all this set up. Don't worry, the cats are watching her. It's all good.

Ok...so lets get to the story and the scaring.

The original idea involved a crazed widow who murdered her husband and put him in a trunk. I am sure you can see "problems" with this like how disturbing it is, but our problem was we couldn't come up with a good script. "ummm...I loved my husband so much I murdered him and put him in a trunk....ummm...there is candy in the trunk? Open the trunk?"

(sigh)

We knew we wanted to do something with the trunk in which kids had to reach in and get candy and Stefan's severed head would be in it. This was a given. So I came up with the idea of being a little girl who played too rough of a game of hide-and-seek with her brother.

The script was as follows:

"98...99...100! Oh Hi! Do you want to play with me?"

"My brother Brian and I were playing hide and seek. I helped him hide REAL well. My parents got so mad when they couldn't find him...I mean couldn't find ALL of him. Do you like candy? Brian left all his candy here in this trunk! Let's have candy and be best friends. I am sure Brian won't mind if we have some of his candy..."

"it's right here...in this trunk..."

"Share Brian!"

This isn't creepy right?

The spiel quickly became "Do you want to play hide and seek with me and my brother Brian? He's hiding, but he left all this candy. Do you want to share his candy with me?"

For babies, "Brian" would slowly reach his hand out of the box and give them candy.

For everyone else, I would open the trunk and they would look inside and see "Brian" and have to reach in for the candy and "Brian" would jump and yell when they reached in and everyone would scream and have a good scare.

We had a lot of repeat customers from the past from few years...all wanting a scare...except the group of teenage girls who wouldn't even stop walking while saying "we still haven't forgiven you for last year."

Here is a group of "big kids" (20 somethings). They really didn't want to reach in the trunk. The nice thing about nightfall is that Stefan really started to look like body parts and not real (we had some fake parts in the box as well). This woman reached in and touched his arm for a while saying "this feels so gross!"

Ok...please meet these extras from the Sopranos...I mean these two 12 year old boys.

OH HEAVEN FORBID YOU REACH IN THE BOX. No, no...you tough guys just stand there and talk about how your are soooooo not scared and how you "know its just a guy under the table" but whatever you do don't even come close to the box.

These two hung out forever and would not go to the trunk. This was pretty much the theme of all the preteen boys...tough enough to talk about the trunk but not tough enough to actually reach in the trunk.

Oddly...adults had weird responses to me standing there asking if they wanted to "play with me." Apparently they did not want to play with me.

Ok so here is the whole house in all its glory.

Stefan and I are excited that forever our Halloween boxes are now labeled "Brian."

So a successful year for Epic Halloween.

Every year, right before we get started, I get nervous that this is the year we have come up with something too scary or too dark...but then we get set up and the two little girls from down the street come running up to see what we have done and are ready to test their courage again this year and be rewarded with the premium candy goods we offer and at the end of the night the Grandmother and her two grandsons who had almost had heart attacks reaching in for their candy come BACK to say that "we were at the Halloween parade, but all the boys wanted to do was come back here."

They scream, their parents laugh...then we get their parents to scream and the kids laugh and everyone walks away with hopefully awesome Halloween experiences that they remember forever.

We really love doing this and my only regret is that we can't seem to last physically or candy supply wise for more than a few hours.

So here are some additional pictures...

A special shout out to the following people who made the magic happen decorating the upstairs, setting up and breaking down, refilling candy, taking pictures and most importantly watching Katy Belle! Thank you Kathy, Spoons, Mary, Jason, Jen, Kirby, Dan, Little J and Jaime.

Please come back because this year we took video and over the week will be assembly a montage of kids reactions!

And now for a special treat! Stefan found this amazing baby doll for me to carry around. He made sure it was appropriately creepy looking...not that he needed to as it was toootally creepy on its own.

Please to enjoy...

cookies from Epic Family on Vimeo.

Yep...nothing creepy about that!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Biz and Stefan

Tis a sad web they weave

I can't quite put my finger on the why...but I loathe bad webbing.

This week has been pretty nice and so I have been taking Katy Belle up to the park (Park post to come soon). On the way we pass a number of brownstones with web-centric halloween decor...and man do people web badly.

Ok...so this is the first house I walk past everyday and its the first example of bad webbing. What's wrong with this webbing you ask? We'll I don't remember seeing spiders pooping out clumps of web. (yes, yes...I know spiders aren't pooping webs, but you get what I mean.) Also, you can't really see it here, but this webbing is neon green.

I guess I just feel that if you are going to cobweb your house, you should go for authenticity and not be lazy about it.

Like this guy...

Come on. Tie a bow while you are at it.

This next one looks like someone beat up the nerd spider, stole his underwear and draped it on the flag pole...or in this case, across the bushes.

grrrrrrr...just a little effort is all I am asking for...

Toilet paper would look more authentic.

Hey, at least people are getting into the Halloween spirit...but maybe get a spider for your spider wed decorations?

I am only saying that just because alllllll of that webbing comes in the bag you bought, you don't have to use it all at once.

I did come across some more charming decorations (none of them having spider webs).

I like pumpkins.

I especially like creative pumpkins...even these spoooooky liberal pumpkins (check out the top pumpkin)

(it says PUBLIC OPTION...terrifying public option. mwa ha ha)

I like this house. Severed head hanging from the window, body park coming out of the basement, giant spider on the wall...hey there is that spider I have been looking for and oddly NO WEBBING at this house. Hey Spider, your underwear is 2 blocks over and one block down!

Here we go....good house...simple idea, clean execution.

Across the street is another classic...beautiful, subtle and yet the sort of display nightmares are made of.

Then i see this.

Nice crepe papering...OH WAIT! That's not crepe paper...THAT'S WEBBING! Where are my eggs and shaving cream? They are getting such a trick later!

Hey Biz, where is your webbing if you are so great, huh? Ok...My webbing will be up tomorrow along with the other pictures from our annual "scare the crap out of our neighborhood kids" extravaganza. Judge me then.

And now to prove that I have a heart and I am not totally ruthless when it comes to webbing...I give you this bit of joy that I came across at the end of my walk.

Here we have someone who found a small bit of webbing and made something lovely out of it. Sure, from a scary standpoint, not an A plus for webbing...but from a little bit of joy in this world standpoint...lovely.

Nogurt

I hate this commerical. I mean I loath it. It actually makes me a little sick...like throw up in my mouth sick.

I could go on but why.

And there you have a blog posting from a new mother who has a baby asleep and a few minutes to post something.

The Last Saturday Without a Baby

Well PPAers, we are a day away from meeting Miss Katy Belle via induction, unless she decides to bust out on her own before then. I haven’t been the best at tending to my blog baby, which is hopefully not a reflection on my ability to take care of my real baby. “I’m tired, I’ll just do it tomorrow.”

During the course of this pregnancy I have made several attempts at putting my thoughts down regarding my pregnancy experience here on the Pony. Usually I would get started and then get distracted by hunger or Law and Order. So, as my energy is up, I am clean and pretty, I have Kenny Rogers on the I-Pod, and an office pool is going for my labor to start today, I thought this might be a nice time to share some of the random posts I started but never finished over these last few months. A lot of these are passing thoughts that when strung all together may not tell the best story, but there you go.

I am not one of those women who feels like a magical vessel while I am pregnant. I feel more like a semi truck’s cab with this baby’s mobile home hitched onto me and I am hauling her down I-95 and we are taking up two lanes and no one can pass us. The downside is that I don’t have one of those small trucks with flashing lights in front and behind me making people aware of my wide load.

There are a few things that people have said to me, especially over this last month, that make me a tad crazy, though I know they aren’t intended to.

One of these is: “Try to relax! Remember, a watched pot never boils.”

Look, I AM THE POT. I am not a tea pot or a pot of pasta…I am a going past your due date, being larger than you have ever been in your life, having a person inside you going all Karate Kid, little sleep and a myriad of fluids coming out of you in the strangest of places (that’s right, more than one place, you go think on that) pot. How do you stop watching the pot when your pot is huge and keeps you from seeing your feet or putting on pants with any sense of dignity? Point is…you become obsessed with watching the pot. The pot is following you everywhere you go. You can feel the pot starting to heat up, so you watch it, then you realize the flame went out and you have been breathing gas for the last 5 minutes and you’re no longer about to boil so you try to not watch the pot, then the pot gets warm again, but its “false warming” and isn’t actually going to boil, so you try not to watch the pot, but again, you are the pot so you are always there.

P.S. Water takes about 8 to 10 minutes to boil.

P.S.S. you relax.

I also do not like being told I am going to have “Mommy Brain.”

Mommy brain…possibly one of the most insulting phrases I have ever heard. I am not saying I don’t understand the hormones and the sleep deprivation. I get it. I won’t be shooting with both mental barrels. I don’t mind being warned that I probably shouldn’t be applying to Mensa for a while. I got it. My body is making a baby…kinda of hard work, nothing it’s ever done before…maybe taking some of my other resources away but regardless making me one of the most powerful people on the planet…not some imbecile who should be spoken to like a 3 year old. MOMMY BRAIN! Barf. It is patronizing and belittling. It’s as if because I am having a baby, I am going to become a baby and should be addressed as such. It is disrespectful to the mental lapses I am going to have.

P.S. No one says Mommy brain when referring to impregnated aliens or monsters in horror films like Slither. Would you say “looks like someone has a case of mommy brain” to this?

Something I am looking forward to is saying farewell to maternity clothes. By the end of your pregnancy your clothing options are really more about coverage than style. “hmmmm, what tarp like combination shall I wear today? The bright pink tent or the bright orange tent?” A solid color top doesn’t sound bad until it is triple the fabric. You know when you go into the “adult” section of Spencers in the mall and pull out the giant, novelty underpants? Maternity clothes are like novelty underpants.

Plus you don’t want to buy a ton since you are only going to be pregnant for a little while, so you wind up having much less wardrobe rotation than you did as a non-pregnant person. When I wasn’t pregnant I didn’t wear the same shirt everyday. That was frowned upon…but apparently, if you are pregnant, that rule is out the window. It’s totally ok…cough.

Monday: “Look how cute you look! That shirt is so awesome. It makes you look awesome! You rock that orange color!”

Tuesday: “Hey…orange! So cute.”

Wendesday: “Did you get like 5 of the same shirt?”

Thursday: “Ummm…you should really take care of that chili stain.”

Friday: “At least tell me you are changing underwear.”

If I could do it over again, I would have probably not talked myself out of getting some new clothes during the last few weeks of pregnancy. I was under the impression these last few weeks would go by quickly or that my daughter would come early so it would be a waste of money to buy new maternity clothes. As a result, I got bigger and the clothes stayed the same size…so here I am, REALLY BIG, REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE, my pants too tight and my shirts not covering my belly completely, everything with mystery, belly stains that do not come out, basically having two dress options if I want to go into public. This is not an emotional booster during a time when you need every emotional booster you can get. When you hit 37/38 weeks, go buy at least 2 -3 pieces of clothing that you really like. It doesn’t matter if you give birth the next day.

I was never a fan of the whole “pregnancy is the one time you can just let yourself go, eat like a pig” mentality of several pregnancy books, and I don’t like the “go ahead and give up on your wardrobe/personal appearance…pretend you are always on your way to gym and wear sweats” mentality. Again, there si something dismissive and insulting about it, like being pregnant makes you less of a person.

I am not talking about the first few weeks…I GET IT EVERYONE…those weeks are going to be hard….or as people LOVE to tell us…MISERABLE! I will however, try to use my excitement about shedding my pregnant body to motivate me to put on clothes that make me feel good. Lucky for me, t-shirts make me feel GREAT! (you try being a t-shirt junkie and there being no t-shirt options available to you other than ones that say thinks like “Future Money Spender” or “Future Playboy Bunny On Board.”)

You think I made those up?

So there you go. Tomorrow we go in for our induction to get this party started since my body’s idea of a cruel joke is to not go into labor on it own…”ha ha ha, Biz LOVED being pregnant, lets keep her pregnant forever!”

I am pretty scared. Scared I won’t be able to handle the pain. Scared that when they pull her out of me and she is covered in blood and that white goop and god knows what else and they put her on my chest that I will bat her to the floor in horror. Sacred that I’ll think she smells bad. Scared that this experience is going to put me at my most vulnerable in front of strangers and Stefan. Scared that I can never go back to the life I knew a year ago. Scared…period.

I am also pretty excited. Excited that she will no longer be inside me. Excited that I get to see her and kiss her head and feet and belly. Excited that I am going to live through whatever labor and delivery is like. Excited that I get to play her music. Excited that I get to introduce her to all the awesome people in our life that are excited to meet her.

Which would be a good moment to say thank you to everyone locally and around the country…old friends, new friends, family…all of you…for your support and friendship over the last nine months. It has really been great. Even simple little comments on Facebook have made a difference. It makes us happy to know that you will be a part of Katy Belle’s life and that she will be even more awesome as a result.

Finally, I am lucky. Lucky that I get to do this with Stefan. He is my best friend and totally responsible for ALL OF THIS. J Lucky that I know without a doubt that he will help me through all the scary things and will get to share all the exciting things. Lucky that I have him to hold my hand. Lucky that my daughter will have him as a father. He has been really great through this whole pregnancy and I could not have done this without him. I am very much looking forward to all of the up, down, good, bad, everythings that we are about to share. I would not want to share them with anyone else. I love you Stefan.

Don’t forget to buy me that Subway sandwich I haven’t been able to have for the last nine months, or I’ll kill you.

What to do when you are trying to pass the time waiting for labor to start

Build a volcano. Obviously.

One of the first birthday gifts I ever got for Stefan, when we first started courting, was a "build it yourself" volcano set. Obviously. It was called "OH NO VOLCANO!" and looked really scary and authentic...and I don't want to forget to mention, scientific.

See?

This has sat in our apartment for many years and occasionally we say "today is the day we should build that volcano!" but never get around to doing it.

Until I found myself in the final days of my pregnancy...huge, uncomfortable, bored, and miserable.

Oh noooooooooo!

Needless to say, we were a tad disappointed when we opened it and saw the actual volcano size, but of course, Stefan's uncrushable spirit prevailed!

Yep...just a little tape...I mean SCIENCE...and we were on our way to creating one of the most (cough) destructive forces known to man!

Next step...plaster of paris, aka, SCIENCE.

PRESTO! Volcano!

Now it only needs 3 hours to dry...which turned into 24 hours...which is ok when one considers the million of years it takes for the earth to make a real volcano. Of course, we are in "pregnancy time" in which 24 hours equals a million years. It is all relative.

Oh Nooooooo Volcano log: Day 2

We awoke to discover that starting the volcano project had not brought on labor. Scratch "start crazy project" off of list of ways to induce labor. Eat a chili pepper and gather supplies for remaining volcano project.

When you are scientists, like Stefan and I are, you always need to have the proper tools. Paintbrush and paints: 2 browns, and 1 red.

Careful Stefan...careful...

Oh nooooooooo, poo-canooooooo! (that's for all you 2nd graders out there.)

Now for a dash of realism...

OH NOOOOOOOO!!! VolCATnooooooooo!

What we need now is the proper setting.

A little perspective...like "WOW, those dinosaurs are huge! They are almost as big as that GIANT volcano! Wait, what's happening? What is that?"

AHHHHHHHHH!

Proof that a giant volcano causing a sky filled with ash did not kill the dinosaurs...it was a cat named Bee.

Ok, I don't like to play god or anything....oh wait...I am creating a life inside me...I guess I DO like playing god a little...anyway...I am proud to present the EPIC production of "OH NOOOOOOO, VOLCANOOOOOO!"

Oh Nooooo Volcano from Epic Family on Vimeo.

Pondering Parenthood

I am not sure I am going to like most “new parents.”

So as you know I am pregnant. I am about to hit the 6 month mark tomorrow. Over the last few months I have been reading the…wait…what?

Sorry…somebody just brought me cake. Must eat cake.

Ok, as I was saying, over the last few months I have been a member of my local parents “parenting message board.” I live in a VERY baby friendly part of Brooklyn. You can’t open your door and throw a stick without hitting a pregnant woman or a Maclaren Stroller. (What? You don’t know about the hippest, must have baby stroller?! How will we ever be able to have a discussion again?)

Anyway, I thought it would be smart to join their message board. I had this fear that once I have this baby, all my friends will desert me after a few obligated visits, my husband will continue his life and social activities as usual, and I will become a mole person, who can only talk baby talk to the telemarketers when they call. Heavens to bid, CSI might even grow old! So I should join a parents group so I can find a “mommy and me” play group, right? They will be the only people I will be able to relate to after this child is born, right? I mean come on, for 35 years I have been able to carry on relatively interesting conversations, it goes without saying that once my baby is born I will only want to talk about breast milk, diapers, and how tired I am, right?

Who knows? What I do know is that I hate the phrase “Mommy and Me.” It makes me think of cheap wine and handi-wipes and women who hate their husbands.

What I also know is that I have found the message board to be filled with 90% of crazy. Sure there are discussions about neighborhood pediatricians and fun outings for babies, but those are outweighed by what I see as one of the warning signs that I am going to hate “new parents.”

From a way too lengthy discussion about enforcing children to wear helmets while sledding in the park (blink)….yes the park…not a ski resort, not an Olympic slalom course, not even on the icy streets that I sledded on that could get me up to 25 miles per hour with only parked cars to stop me…I am talking a foot of snow in the park…to the “let’s talk more about whether vaccinations cause autism” to my latest favorite thread regarding dogs pooping and peeing on trees that live in the 3 feet by 3 feet of dirt, every 20 feet or so, lining the streets. “My child helps me tend my tree that is outside of my apartment and what am I supposed to do if there is dog pee on it?"

I really wanted to throw in my two cents by saying “Lady, if you have been living in NYC and don’t already assume that EVERYTHING has dog and human pee and poop on it, you have been living in a fantasy world. My rule day one in this city was to assume that every part of a subway car had been touched by someone’s dick at some point. Yep, even the over head hand bars.”

I refrained as I am still new to the board.

Bottom line is that I started to realize that a majority of “new parents” are convinced that everything is going to make your baby dead or retarded.

Outside of the message boards, I have also been looking at baby items online and have made the mistake of reading the product reviews. WARNING SIGN, everything is awful and is going to hurt your baby. “Hmmm, lets see, baby bedding! Oh what a cute quilt and pillow set. I’ll just take a look at the reviews to see if people have found this made well and…”

“YOU CAN’T PUT A QUILT OR A PILLOW IN YOUR BABY’S CRIB! IT WILL KILL THE BABY!”

“What about a teddy bear?”

“TEDDY BEARS ARE A SIDS VESSEL!”

“A sheet? Can I have a sheet to wrap my baby up…in…”

“I AM CALLING CHILD SERVICES!!!”

“Well what am I supposed to use?”

“A SLEEP SACK! YOU PUT YOUR BABY IN A SLEEP SACK!”

“A sack?”

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A BABY!”

So lets see, all bedding will kill the baby, pacifiers may or may not warp your baby’s teeth forever, you are an ass for not using cloth diapers and you’re are a jerk if you don’t use disposable diapers. Oh, and how the discussion of weaning yourself off of going to your child every time she cries wound up on the Babies-R-Us product review page, is beyond me. I will say, in regards to that, what my Mama said…"We don’t even let our pets cry.”

Oh…and sort of like the phrase “Mommy and Me,” I find that when parents sign their names to reviews or to the message board postings “blank, mom to blank and blank” I want to shove my fingers in my eyes. Here are some examples.

Anna, mom to a 4-year-old and a 5-month-old (also a nursing champ) Somebody call Oprah

Melissa, mommy to 10 week old Ruby Sue I don’t like you.

Rachel (no longer contributing diapers to the landfill!) I hope your children are able to like you when they are older.

Kate, mom to Alice, who poops. Who gives a “poop.”

Sarah (mom of E who points to me and says "hurt?") Ok, this one makes me laugh and I am sure its not supposed to be dark.

As usual, it could be me. I haven’t had this baby yet. I still have memories of riding in my Mama’s lap in the car and learning that things were hot by touching them. There was one time, when I was 11 or so that my friend Laurie Crunk and I took turns taking a “ride” in the dryer. We are still here. I don’t see everything as a deadly threat, but maybe once I have this amazing and perfect child I will change and lose my sense of humor.

Oh, quick note, you know who doesn’t have much of a sense of humor… “new parents.” Jeesh, you make one joke about making a t-shirt that says “My Other Bump Is An Abortion” and your out of the stroller circle.

Who are these people? How do they sleep at night? With padded bumpers around their beds and on the floor, with hairless and clawless cats? I just don’t think these are the people for me.

As I get closer to my due date I feel pretty confident that I don’t have to change my circle of friends and that I will be able to have conversations about a variety of topics and maybe even continue pursuing my creative endeavors…all without signing my name “Biz, mother of Katy Belle (who likes to sleep in a drawer and eat dirt.)

I am not saying I am not a realist. I know there is little sleep in my future for a while and that by stating the above I don’t lose the knowledge that my life is going to change and that I will no longer be the only person that matters. But I have faith in my family, my friends, my husband, and myself that I won’t be abandoned or find myself descending down the rabbit hole of parental paranoia.

And if I am wrong, I will become a pageant mom.

Guess Who Else Came to Disney World?

Murder Hands!

That's them on their favorite ride...Splash Mountain!


Here we go....over the big drop! Don't be nervous Murder Hands!

After that, its time for coffee! Murder Hands take their coffee like they take their victims...white and sweet.


Murder Hands! Dolphin statues don't drink coffee!

Now they are off to Animal Kingdom! Wow...that new roller coaster sure looks high!

What's this? Oh, you can soak people as they come down the rapid river ride!

Well THAT looks like fun!

Wait your turn Murder Hands!

Let's go to the petting zoo!!! Hmmmm...does anyone else think this might be a bad place for Murder Hands to go?

Check this sweet action out! Cave drawings!

This might be the first recording of Murder Hands, ever...here...in this dinosaur themed burger restaurant. Connect with your roots Murder Hands. Feel your history.

Back at the hotel arcade...anyone for hoops?

Who else, besides pregnant women, likes to get up at 6:30 am to go see Disney steam trains in 30 degree weather? Is it Murder Hands?

And...oh...oh...look at you murder hands! It's like you get irony!

Well, what a fun vacation with Murder Hands. I hope to see them on lots of other trips. Maybe you have some pictures of when Murder Hands went on a vacation with you! If so, let us know and we'll post them here!

xoxo, Biz