Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Friday, April 27, 2007


I'm facsinated by celebrity look-a-likes who are on a legit celebrity look-a-like payroll even though they either only kind of look like the celebrity their company claims they resemble or the only thing in common is a clothing item. Take two dudes, put Ray Bans and a hat on them and you have 'The Blues Brothers' available for your next party or car show. I don't think I've ever seen a 'Marilyn Monroe' who didn't look like an ancient drag whore. The Marilyns seem to think that all it takes is a yellow wig and I swear some of them are Korean. Find me a Marilyn without make-up (make-up-less Marilyn was ravishing) and you've really got something.

I'm a huge fan of Kind-A-Likes and whenever I find one that is unexpected (such as "Ray Manzarek from The Doors!" or "Oates!" without the Hall) I love it. I also love the ones who have been out of the spotlight for a while. It makes me wonder: would 'Sade' or 'Mr. Bean' be a good draw for a supermarket opening? The next time a friend has a hospital stay should I send 'Baby Spice' or 'Apollo Creed' (not Carl Weathers) over with flowers? (Answer: Of course!)

So, I was looking up professional Michael Caines to see who looked the least Michael Caine-y and found this.

Alright. I know what Leo Sayer actually looks like:
And he doesn't look like your uncle standing in a rual British field on a windy day while you snapped the last picture to finish the roll on your holidays. If all the Sharon Stones wear the white 'Basic Insticnt' dress in their photos and all the Tom Cruises (oh, man there so many bad ones out there) wear the aviator glasses and 'Top Gun' flight jacket, then why couldn't this 'Leo Sayer' at least care?

How will my six year-old niece know who it is when I hire him for her birthday in December? (Besides - and think about this - him singing 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing'?)

Alright. I'll admit I'm becoming a bit obsessed with the 'Leo' picture, but this Michael Caine is kind of priceless. Especially if you print it out, put it in a frame and pass it off as your dad.

As you were Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The One-Man Velvet Underground

There’s a man who hangs out in downtown Portland who looks like the Velvet Underground.

He doesn’t just look a little like Lou Reed or a tad John Cale, he looks like the whole band – exactly.

He is Nico tall, Lou Reed skinny, Sterling Morrison’s mouth pouts while I’m pretty sure that under the giant Jackie O shades he wears – he has John Cale’s eyes. To complete the whole picture, he wears (everyday) an Edie Sedgewick boatneck striped shirt and tops it all off with a Warhol mop.

I have often wondered if it was all intentional, or if this guy (easily mid-40’s – the age you have to be to really pull this look off with success) is a person that only I can see. Yesterday in the library I was in the music section deciding on the next rock bio to read when The Velvet Underground approached the section and immediately went to the V’s.

I hear under his breath: “Velvet…velvet...velvet...AH!” and happily plucked the Velvets bio from the shelf and started thumbing though the pictures.

I left quietly, knowing that even though his persona isn’t a happy accident, at least there’s a guy in Portland who is at least keeping Warhol’s factory days alive and kicking.

It just made me happy, that’s all.


Friday, April 06, 2007

In The Spotlight: KEVIN COSTNER (What The Fuck Are You Thinking?)

Elliott Ness was dreamy. Crash Davis had a case of the sexies. Kevin Costner named the chips and salsa at his casino restaurant 'Revenge' and another dish 'Message in a Bottle Chicken Melt'. What the fuck Kevin Costner?

So - you've probably already seen the menu from Diamond Lil's - one of two restaurants at the Costner owned Midnight Star Casino in Deadwood, North Dakota, but just in case you haven't...

‘Revenge’ is by far the weirdest food item I think I’ve ever seen on any menu ever. Especially for chips and salsa. Even ‘Long Slow Wet Kisses That Last Three Days’ makes more fucking sense for chips and salsa than ‘Revenge’.