Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

October is Jordi Month

I, Biz, decree October to be Jordi month!


So lets get to know Jordi. (Jordi, just edit trhis with your answers!)

1. Do you like cereal?
J: Yes and there should be a ceral restaurant.
I love Apple Jacks in particular

2. Have you ever seen a ghost?
J: Seen - no. Heard loud footsteps upstairs at a certain house when I was alone - yes.

3. If you could be one celebrity for a day with no consequences, who would it be and what would you do?
J: I'd be Bush and I'd make it so that the war would end, people could marry who they want, schools would have money, no-kill animal shelters in every city, and then I'd kill myself.

4. Tell me a secret.
J: I used to eat erasers in kindergarten...but they had to be a certain kind. I was picky about what erasers I would eat. The red ones were too grainy, but the smooth white ones were kind of sweet. I also used to eat the toes off of all my Barbies.

5. You get one superpower...what is it?
J: Breathing underwater.

6. Despite how much we make fun of "slutty halloween costumes," what slutty halloween costume would you pick if you could wear it and not feel bad or laugh the entire time you were wearing it.
J: It's a tie - 1960's Stewardess, Catholic Schoolgirl, 1950's Nurse and 1970's Disaster Movie Heroine. That last one doesn't sound very slutty, but believe me - after, New Years' Eve Halston white halter dress gets burned in all the right places in a fire, then drenched when Steve McQueen breaks the water tanks to put that fire out...that's one slutty (in a good way) 1970's Disaster Movie Heroine outfit.

7. Whats your special gift?
J: 'Name That Tune' & backgroud music. No matter where I am, even though I'm listening to what's going on conversation-wise, if there's music playing I'm always aware of it and I almost always know what it is. It's kind of sick.

8. Who would you kill?
J: Toss up: Bush or Paris Hilton.

9. If you could give me different name what would it be.
J: That Girl! or Lois Lane (for who you remind me of). As far as a name-name....Biz is so perfect I can't even tell about.....Cookie Van Slinkyacademy.

10. Can you?
J: Yes. And I will.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Exclusive: Halloween Kid Bio

NAME: Shelby.

AGE: Four and a half.

WHAT ARE YOU?: A giraffe taxi.


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? A puppy mom and doctor. I'm going to eat McDonald's every day, pet puppies and fix them.



FAVORITE MOVIE: "Kramer vs. Kramer".

FAVORITE BOOK: "Ferdinand the Bull". He's like a giant cow-puppy who likes flowers.

FAVORITE FOOD: Butter and mustard and McDonald's.

Yay for the Halloween Childrens.


It is true...there are monsters.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


(Number One!)

It's time to look back over the year and remember...
The memories....
The laughter.....
"The Biz Diaries".....
The Half Done Lists by Jordi.....
The Randy Newman War of '06......

At this point of the Looking Back Memory Blitz Jam, I'd like to give a proper shout-em-out to PPPA Lifetime Supporter, Near Future Homeowner and Fellow Sketch Comedian:

(Top Left)
Jason - I love you and your molesting ways.

Coming soon, another hilarious round of Halloween Costumes.


Want to see a video of me and Biz crying and eating?
Write us!
Biz & Barnes
Princess Pony Party Amazing
Giant Gnome Village, USA.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Well this isn't "ok"

I don't know how I feel about this. Maybe, I don't know HOW to feel...anything, anymore.
This dog in a spider costume has brought me face to face with some of my inner-most demons and I am not sure I will survive the battle.
yours in bleakness, Biz

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Maybe i have been at my job too long


Wanna know how to make me go nuts? All you have to do is not do what your job is or put no effort into ANYTHING or pass the buck or basically do what i lay out below.

Here is the situation. One of my bosses has gone on a trip to Asia. She will be in Japan, China and Australia. She is in Japan today and emails me to say that her Blackberry isn't working and can I find out if they can make it so she is able to use it internationally.

Sure! That is my job.

So the following is the exchange between me and the Blackberry support person for our company. I will refer to them as "Jerk." I will be "Biz." My Boss will be "Boss." I will add my comments in another color.


My Boss writes to me:
Hi there
Feeling a little “lost in translation” but all good. My blackberry is not working over here. It says it cannot find service.
Can we get it enabled internationally so it will work on this trip?
Let me know and good luck with your show tonight!
Thanks, Boss

What a nice boss!

Biz forwards to Jerk and writes:
Is there a way to make Boss’s blackberry work internationally?
Thank you

Jerk Writes:
Currently there is not a blackberry that works in Japan. Unfortunately we do not know when service will be available.

Biz writes:
Will it work in China and Sydney?

Jerk Writes:
This link will show you what countries have coverage.

Ok, here we are at the first irritating thing. I am looking for a yes or no answer. Jerk is the Blackberry coordinator for our company. Seems like something they would know right off the bat or have on hand or be able to look up for me.

I click on the site and it takes me to a page that has nothing to do with international calls. I search the page for a link that might take me there and after trying several links could not find anything. This seemed like such a simple question. Go ahead. click on the link and see if it is obvious.

Biz writes:
This link does not take me to a coverage page. I cannot seem to find a link to the info I am looking for on the page that does come up.

Jerk writes:
Under Business Solutions select Medium/Large Business
Scroll down to about middle of page and select – International Plan
View International Roaming Rates
Dropdown box and select a country. If the country is there and shows rates there is a roaming agreement and will have coverage

WOW! This is an incredible process to get to the info. What KILLS me is that Jerk had to go through all these steps in order to tell me, so why not just check and see if China and Sydney are in the plan? WHY go through all of this? This seems like the most complicated way to avoid giving me an answer i have ever seen. THIS MADE ME CRAZY! Fine, I will admit it shouldn't make me that crazy. I have been here too long and there are other things going on in my life that add to my stress, but THIS IS SO CRAZY!

Here is the email I would like to write in response:

Dear "Jerk"

Kudos on not answering my question. Go fuck yourself. I hate you. You are my nemisis.

It is on now.


Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Biz and Stefan Vacation!

Hi PPPAers!

Guess who went on vacation?

This Guy! And...

This girl! Guess who loves map quest? ITS ME!

So we are off on our adventure, departing from Portland, OR, where we were perfroming at The Best of the Best Sketchfest (after a 25 hour flight from NY - Portland....but that is another story). While out on the West Coast, Stefan and I decided we would like to take a vaction in the a cabin, commune with nature, hang out completely isolated from the ways of man, where a hot tub was available, and try to relax from the stress of work and the world. So we found a place about an hour outside of Seattle, up in the mountains...and here is our exciting trip as told through pictures...which in retrospect, wasn't the most detailed photo journal it could have been.

So we are off! After a good breakfast and about 2 hours on the road we came Indian Casino!

How authentically "indian." Look! Stefan and I are really getting into the spirit of things!

In the words of our friends Hoskins and Breen, " Hi-how-are-you! Hi-how-are-you!"

I learned this dance when I was named Princess Winnataska on Indian Night at the Native American themed Christian camp I spent 16 summers at in rural Alabama. Instead of clapping, we said "how, how, how." CHARMING

It looks like the only person to do well on our slot machine adventure was...NERD BOT! Wave those vouchers high!

(sorry, forgot to turn this picture over..and too lazy to do so now. Just bask in Nerd Bot's glory)

Back on the road, and whats this? A deserted fireworks shanty town?

"Nerd Bot, I am glad we could stop here and talk. I think Stefan is falling in love with you."


"Let's just get back on the road!"

Ahhhh, look at that! That does not suck! That is the view from our cabin! We made it! We are back to nature! Pay no attention to the powerlines!

And we are at our cabin...that we dodn't take a picture of, but here is the SIGN for the cabin in the front yard. Its called "Sunset Falls" and is right on the falls, which we also didn't take pictures of....but we took pictures of plenty of other stuff...that is totally irrelevant!

Like this one of Nerd Bot. "Nerd Bot, you are KING of the groceries and master of the Special K!"

A HOT TUB! This vacation is looking like it will be great!

You guys just chill out, while I go get in my swim suit...let five days of hanging in the hot tub begin!

UH OH! Whats wrong Biz?

"I hurt my toe! I jammed it into the ledge over there and it really hurts!

But lets don't panic, I am sure that if we just wrap it up it will be fine, right? Lets just have a nice dinner and some wine and relax and everything will be great in the morning.


GAH! That is nasty! NASTY! We need to go to the hospital. (Thank you, me, for never fully committing to the comedy / theatre lifestyle and having a job with great insurance.) TO THE HOSPITAL!

OK, boo to the hospital. This vacation isn't going so well. My foot is killing me and I hate hospitals but with Stefan with me, I bet it will be allright.

Hey here is a helpful chart for me to express to the doctor clearly what my pain level is.

Well, I am not a zero! I think I am more of a ten! Oh god! A tetanus shot! Here is a face they didn't have on their chart!

That pain seems serious, lets get you an x-ray Biz!

This is not my idea of a great vacation!

As I was wheeled back to my room, we passed a sign from a former patient that made me feel better about my screaming and yelling everytime they touched my toe.

The sign below reads..."Thanks for putting up with me and I'm sorry I swore so much." Then there is a drawing of a fairy. Charming.

My swearing got me a giant shot to numb my foot for two days. IT HURT!!!!

"You'll be ok Biz" says Stefan. "I love you and you were VERY brave and so well versed in your 'swears." I know someone who is getting a treat when we leave the hospital!"

Then lets get out of here!

I don't think the wheel chair was nececessary, but I DO like people to do my walking for me. Its so rare that I can be so lazy.

"So what is the treat Stefan?"


Don't you look dashing, Stefan? Thank you for the awesome ice cream and holding my hand at the hospital. Lets head back home and think about what we can do now that i have this "broken" toe. We could...wait! Whats that sign up ahead. The one with the super friendly bear waving and the arrow pointing to what looks like a great time!?

Someplace we should't go. Even though that bear is saying come on in, those other signs say "Stay out! Private property! No Trespassing! Get away or we will kill you."

That is a very misleading bear.

Ah, back at the cabin with a breathtaking view. I may not be able to do all the outdoor activities we planned on, but I bet we will have lost of adventures when we wake up tomorrow.


Good Morning Stefan!

I take it that means you are ready for a big day! But where is Nerd Bot?

There he is!

All alone? (Well you can't have Stefan, so don't even....) I mean, "Here I am!"


I know! Why don't we go to that creepy reptile zoo that we saw back on the old mountian road we took to get here? What do you think Stefan?

"Let's do this."

This doesn't look so bad! Right Nerd Bot?

Well, that is a snake. No surprise there.

An Alligator. Ok.

What the? Ladies and gentlemen, this is not MAN'S fault, but Gods. (guh)

First Nerd Bot and now this...jesus yikes, whatever it is, its falling in love with Stefan! Maybe if I charm Stefan with my toleration of snakes.


Wait! Now that snake is falling for Stefan! I can't compete with a snake!

I guess we should head back to the cabin and get some rest and get ready for our next adventure...A FERRY RIDE

All aboard! Eye, eye Stefan!

Look Out! FOG! I hope nothing horrible is waiting on the other side of that fog as we head towards Friday Harbor!

CRABS! What will we do?

Ah! Eat them with a lemon butter sauce. What a sound idea, Biz. But do you have to be so SAVAGE?!

Why can't you be more sedate like Stefan with his....OH NO! A BLOODY Mary! You brute!!

And now let us end our adventure by pointing out all of the "cute" titles that the great North West grants its portable restrooms...or movable crappers if you will. Ladies and gentlemen, The Wizard of Ooze. Gross.

Well Nerd Bot, did you have a good time....TRYING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MY MAN! Oh, look, you found a friend! GREAT! You guys look fantastic together.

What a great vacation. YAY!