Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Good Bye NYC

So here I am sitting in a hotel bathroom, eating pizza, drinking wine and thinking about the pie that I am going to eat later…still in the bathroom. 


Its more of a "how to enjoy yourself in a hotel with a 2 year old who is already asleep" sort of thing rather than a "somebody call TLC. They have a new hit on their hands." sort of thing.

Tonight is my last night in Brooklyn…and NYC for that matter. Tomorrow, my daughter and I get on a plane to Los Angeles to meet my husband and start our new life.


I have been here almost 12 years. Everyone who knows me, knows that I have spent the last 5 years (at the least) saying how much I want to get out of here. I am not a fan of NYC. I was a fan when I was in my 20's and wanted to do comedy. I had a great time here in my 20's and I had a really great time doing comedy. Now, I don't know what I want to do and NYC isn't the nicest to those without a plan. Plus, my southern side yearns for a yard and screen door and less feces everywhere and less total subway asshole-ness.

Stefan has some amazing opportunities out on the West Coast and I like sunshine and fruit trees so we are heading that way. But before I go I wanted to say a few things about NYC and the life I have had here.


1. I love NYC public transportation, I just hate everyone on NYC public transportation. 

2. I love being able to have 40 different cuisines available to me within walking distance. I'll miss you most of all Bahn Mi delivery guy.

3. Thank you NYC for telling me about a Bahn Mi!

4. I love…hmmm…I think that about sums it up. I kinda don't want to go out with NYC anymore.

My Life in NYC

1. I came to NYC to do stand up and did it and loved it…until I found sketch comedy and the ladies of MEAT…and then I realized what true love was. All of them. The original 6 of us and then the 4 who remained. Writing, performing, and just hanging out with these ladies make up some of the best times of my life and they have changed me for the better. I have their back in a knife fight any day of the week. 

2. My sista! I have no idea what she thought of me before I got to NYC, but I was very nervous about her. We were always "sisters" but I never felt like I had a relationship with her past that. She and Lex let me stay with them when I moved here and one of the first nights there we worked a puzzle, drank wine, and watched Law & Order and my friendship with my sister began. I will miss being able to see her anytime I want but I know that I can pick up the phone anytime and connect with her again, which isn't something I could have felt ok doing 11 years ago. 

3. Livia Scott is one of the most important people in the world to me...thank you NYC.

4. My life with Stefan. I met my husband here…of course while performing with MEAT. It was a sketch competition and on walks this group Elephant Larry and there he was in a dress speaking french. MEAT and Elephant Larry became fast friends and 5 years  later, Stefan and I were married. What rocked about that wedding was it was exactly what we wanted and i think reflects the core of who we are as a pair…all of our family and friends in one place having a good fucking time. All because I came to NYC to stand up.

5. Holy shit! I had a baby here! She is a genius and takes after her Mama by being really good at puzzles.

6. My friends. I have been super blessed to have made so many good friends while in NYC. Our wedding is a testimony to the relationships that came out of my comedy life and my life with Stefan. Go back through the Pony and you will see how lucky Stefan and I are. While I may not be in the South, the South was here with me. There weren't many weekends where our backyard was not filled with friends and food and music. Katy Belle has had such an amazing first 2 years to be surrounded by so many people who I love and feel wonderful about influencing her…and mostly swearing…around her.

7. Family. You all know how I feel about my family. I love them. Thank you for sitting through so many sketch shows that probably made you very uncomfortable and always buying a ticket though you didn't have to. With Stefan, I gained a new family.  We will soon be on the West Coast with his folks, which is great,  but here on the East Coast, I have gotten to know his Aunts and Uncles and cousins and greats and other greats, and it has been wonderful. They have this Thanksgiving extravaganza that we look forward to all year. I am so lucky to have married a man with a really fun family. I am even luckier that he has a sister that I think is so awesome as well. All this, because I came to NYC to do stand up.

I guess what I am saying is the door is always open where ever we are. It is never too late to call…you just may get my stink voice if it is after 9pm. I promise that if I become friends with anyone famous I will introduce you and it won't be weird. 

I may not be the best at the day to day, but if you need something, really, even if we haven't talked in a year, just call. Its cool.

Walking through our empty apartment today, with Stefan gone, and the snow coming down, I was hit very hard with the flood of images and memories of my life here. For all the times I was bent out of shape being somewhere I didn't want to be, I know that it is outweighed by how awesome my time here has been.

Thank you so much…especially to Catherine who brought me pie an hour ago, for me to eat in this bathroom.

For those of you in California, I hope you like BBQ and country music on Saturdays.  

Here comes team EPIC.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

I'll give you the bird

Idiot: Biz, is it possible that you can hate a commercial more than the commercials you have already written about?

Me: Yes.

Idiot: Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it! She's giving him the bird but she means a drink. Ha ha ha! That was confusing but then I figured it out.

Me: (kicks idiot into a pool of man eating sharks)

If I was going to re shoot this commercial, I would make sure that you cut back to the bartender so you could see him pull a gun out and shoot himself in the mouth for having to even participate in this...this...I don't know what you call this...maybe a well of sadness.

Let's break it down, ok?

Duchebag 1: Hey, I think that girl is looking at you.

Duchebag 2: (look at her a little too long and in a slightly menacing way).

Duchebag 1: I think she likes you.

Duchebag 2: (Continue staring, think about how you can sleep with her in an unsatisfying way for her, probably involving sloppily pawing at what you think are her "lady parts" and then eat all her Sour Cream and Onion Sun Chips. She better have Sun chips.)

Woman: (Look around in a sexy way, but not to sexy, more like sexy but you don't the best you give him the finger.)

Bartender: (Get your gun)

Duchebag 1: Man, did I get that wrong.

Duchebag 2: No you didn't. (Act really superior) She just ordered me a Wild Turkey. (Relish in the smugness of how much classier you are than your friend. Then wonder if you can keep yourself from getting so drunk that you wind up pissing in your sleep on this woman's stuffed animal collection she keeps as a reminder of when she had a chance to make her whole life different.)

I hope the ad agency who came up with this are all fired. Really...this is it? "uh, duh, how about we have people give each other the bird when they want a shot of Wild Turkey cause its the bird and the drink is named after a bird...duh, duh...and its dirty...duh, duh...let's put a record scratch in as a sound effect...people love that...MONEY!"

I am not even sure how to sign off on this post.