Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Archies Need Your Help

Please help The Archies get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! Please!!
-Jordi "Betty" Cooper

Jordi Brockovich

Today I walk with my head held high. Today others just like me are smiling through tears - silent no more. You see, after an uphill battle Qwest has just awarded me $21. I was one of the many who were duped, and now Qwest is making it right.

Qwest. The monster I spent hours upon hours and sleepless flu-ridden nights doing research has finally surrendered. Through files and testimony, and pure feisty tenacity, Qwest saw what they were doing to people...tricking them into extra payments....causing all that cancer....It makes me sick to even think about it. Sick! But they have let the people...people who have lost lives around them and their own children rise up. Some of these women have lost their uteruses.

Over the past year, I have met plenty of sick children; children who played by the Qwest payment drop-box on SW 5th and Salmon many times....without a single thought to their future. Just last week, I sat with a young girl...we'll call her 'Fighty Spirit Helen'. As she lay coughing and weak on her bed clutching her favorite companions (the cage and the boot from Mousetrap) she whispered: "I thought it was safe....we all did". And then she died. This morning I received a call from Fighty Spirit Helen's mother who told me Qwest had just awarded her with $17.35. "$17.35 won't bring Helen or my whole vagina back, but now we are free" she said. "Now we are free".

I can now move my kids out of the motel and back to our home. I can now give my children the life I always wanted for them.

Like the spirit of Fighty Spirit Helen, Fighty Spirit Helen's mom, and her vagina...I can be free.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


(Posted by Jordi)

That new kitchy job I have? With the magicians, the licorice river and the puppies that stay puppies forever?

It's really Nazi Germany being run by a 20 year-old dictator who says things like: "Ummm...a word to the wise? Instead of writing 'October' as a whole word? You might just want to write 'Oct' to save space? THAT'S what I do". She's evil. I'm getting out. Today.

Here she comes!

Monday, September 26, 2005

I would like to thank Dusty for introducing us to his magical friend Champagne. My Dusty, she is very beautiful. I bet she has many unicorn adventures to share with us. Lets see if she will share one now.

Hi you want to share one for your adventures with us? You would? That great!

Hello Biz and Jordi! Thank you for having me on your blog. I think blogs are for dweebs and losers! Now, once upon a time, last week, I was in Cloud Yum Yum Land where I was approached by a talking butterfly! The butterfly was so pretty. Almost as pretty as me! heeeeeeeeeeeeeee! She told me that she was actually a princess who was under a curse and if she could just have a single drop of my unicorn blood she would be turned back into her princess self and would reward me with riches beyond my dreams! WOW! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! So I stabbed her with my horn until she was dead, dead, dead, for no reason other than unicorns are evil. Pure evil. Now everybody go fuck yourself. heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hooray! Jordi is here...and posting as if she is me! I wish I new how to "blog" better so I could set this up so your posts appear as if written by you...or we could go on like this and everyone will think I am REALLY hilarious...sort of like Cyrano de Jordi.

I am also excited about the blog spam we are getting. I feel so connected with the world.

Now, screw all that, and listen up! Big news. I have a couch. After sitting on the floor for the last month, I have a really nice 4 piece sectional sofa that fits in my really tiny apartment. The cat and I are very happy. Very Happy.

Tomorrow night is Becky's monthly themed show and this week it is Unicorns. (jealous?) So Stefan and I have written a sketch that is basically a buddy cop piece centering around "by the book" Unicorn and "No respect for the rules" Pegasus. They will put all thier differences aside in order to capture Rainbow city's number one enemy....Pegicorn...who is a hybrid of a unicorn and a pegasus and clearly and abomination before god (your god Ted, not my dead god.) The whole thing ends in a knife factory.

Hilarious right? Maybe it will be if we finish writing it before the show.

You know what else is great about this blog Jordi? Know one outside of our circle of friends knows what we are talking about...its like being at a party and having a conversation with someone and not even trying to include anyone else in it. You know, dropping names like Becky and Ted...who the hell are they to everyone else?

Watch this....Josh, Stefan, Kevin and Britt. Did you see what I did there? I dropped the shit out of some names.

Oh...the whole point of talking about Pegicorn....(ha ha ha) is that in researching the beast, we found some serious websites that are dedicated to it. By the way, Pegicorn is NOT the right classifiaction, it is Alicorn. I apologize to the purists out there, but I think Pegicorn is way funnier. Anywho....check out some of this artwork. Actually, its up there at the start of this blog...and I can't get the damn blog to let me post it below.

I think the artist should quit his job and dedicate himself full time to Pegicorn Art.

xoxo, The Real Biz

Friday, September 23, 2005

Shout Outs

Hello to:

Guy Who Told Me It Was Too Warm For A Coat.
Guy Who Asked Me: "Too Much Partying Last Night, HEH-HEH" When I Yawned Once.
Guy Who Woke Me Up From My Nap On The Bus And Said: "You Look Like You Need A Friend".
Grizzled Coot Playing With The Cat And Giggling Adorably.

Guys, keep up the free unsolicited advice!
(Grizzled Coot - keep on giggling. You're too damn cute).


What a pretty, pretty blog! It's SOOOOO pretty!!!

I love the fetching picture of us, the one-armed princess...ALL of it!!

I'm free of the place where I had access to sites, but no email - and it's been quite a week...


Thanks to my bi-coastal wife Biz and Stefan for making this happen. And now I'll tell you about the new job I'll start on Monday. It's fantastic. And it's called WILD BILL'S CASINO NIGHTS and PARTIES! I'll be running an office of Good Times and (hope hope) PROP COMEDIANS. There IS a "comedy hypnotist" on staff (should be hypno-LARIOUS)...and where I sit boasts a swell display of framed headshots of all the murder mystery players.

They told me I'd be involved with planning parties (they do it, old people...EVERYONE!) - did they read my mind when I was thinking: "No one puts Dorito's in a bowl like me!"?

Maybe this year, I'll plan the first ever Key Party for the under 5 set. That's the party where you put your keys in a bowl at the beginning of the evening, eat fondue, listen to a lot of Steely Dan and drink highballs. At the end of the night, you fish a set of keys out of the bowl and then fuck the person who's keys you picked. My mom would always get Bill Sunky's keys - he looked like Super Mario.

Hi Mom!

Welcome all.


I got nothing on this one. I was looking for princess images to use for the awesome new Biz and Jordi picture (see Blog right) and found this. It was about 2 minutes before I realized she didn't have an arm. WOW! Yes, yes, this is for a site that is geared towards children with only one arm...its very nice and inspirational....for me it is the harsh sever line where the arm used to be.

I think this is great, it just totally threw me....and I am sort of an awful person and find this a little funny in a very dark way.

Note to Jordi. really should be on this. Its like we were living together and you said "let's get a dog!" and then I got us a dog and you left me. The dog clearly represents the blog.

Oh yeah....ha ha ha...check this shit out. Is this tight or what? Posted by Picasa

Thursday, September 22, 2005 until Jordi starts to play with me on this Blog, which was her idea, and we find some direction for this blog to go in...i will post some of the crap i create at work when i am bored.

SO far, There Is No God is the favorite.


Thursday, September 15, 2005

My boring meeting

OK...So in order to ingratiate myself more with my boss at my day job, I sat in on his staff meeting for the first hour, in which I could gain insight into the business unit that I work for. See I am an assistant, meaning I don't want to be involved very deeply in the company...this is a paycheck, etc....but my boss has been acting weird and I don't want to get fired so I went. These were the notes that I wrote down during the meeting.

(actual thought / daydream)

Boss: Elizabeth, is there something wrong?

Me: Yes, I want to kill myself. Wait, I don't need to because you are killing fact I am dying right now. I can feel my life force being sucked from me like the last sip of Dr. Pepper from the bottom of a cup on a hot day by a overheated fat kid. If my soul was a person, you have just slit it's throat.

(ok, out of daydream and just what i was thinking)

Oh god this is so boring.

Is anyone enjoying this. Is anyone in here like "Awesome, I always wanted to sit and listen to someone in a monotone voice drone on and on!"

"blah blah attractive growth rates will blah blah new product development blah blah increased accountability and differentiation of blah blah..."

I should have had sex this morning.

Hey, doesn't matter if its yellow, white, cream, blue, whatever...its the same mother fucking shirt. I can't believe your wife wants to sleep with someone so boring.

I can't live like this.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

OK I went to find pictures of unicorns and found THIS! woooooow. This just goes to further support my theory that god sucks.

Check it out Jordi! I am in love with Scott Baio. CHARLES IS IN CHARGE OF ME YO!

Princess Pony Party Amazing is a go!
All we need to do now is learn how to make this look like a unicorn exploded in here and we will be all set to go.