Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Naomi Watts - Now Mocking Me In My Own Backyard

(I am horrible at layout. Picture the pictures in the proper places, please.)

This is St. Patrick's College.

It's a picture taken from my folks' balcony in Manly, Australia on a visit with Ted last January. This is the neighborhood where I grew up. It's also the place where Australia's Second Lady (Olivia Newton-John will always be First Lady), Nicole Kidman got hitched yesterday.

Why should I care? I'll admit - it's pretty cool to know that all these A-Listers (such as Wolverine, The Pope and The Wiggles) have no other option than to nearly drive up my parents' driveway to get to the ceremony. What's so funny? My folks are currently in the States - far away from home and gawking distance.

If they were there what would I want them to do? Something along the lines of demanding an apology to their daughter (me) from Kidman Bridesmaid and My High School Nemesis (above) Naomi Watts.

For one year in the early 80's, Naomi made me feel like crap. I know I have touched on this in a brief short attention span post, but as you ten people out there may know - I have a problem completing stories that have a "Part Two".

Now - had all the stars been aligned, had I been visiting my folks yesterday (and had they been home), I could've at least had some kind of a shot at closure (as she drove by). Some kind of apology! (As she drove by!) You have to realise that Ms. Watts was a major reason why I had such low self esteem in my teen years. Seriously! The picture above was a look I got every time I tried to talk to her. Whenever I got up the nerve to give her a compliment (me with the thick braces, volcanic acne and horrible perm) she would give me the blankest stare possible that said: "Are you kidding me?"

When she did answer one of my clumsy & nervously over enthusiastic questions ("I really love your boots! where did you get them......N-Naomi?") To get the full effect of her answer, look at the picture again, snort slightly and say "London" with a slightly sarcastic tone. Then imagine her turning her head and walking away. Feel free to picture my bottom lip trembling as I found my way to the girls' bathroom to cry.

Now picture this: A confident 37 year-old woman who used to foolishly let The Year Of Naomi affect her, but now she looks back on it, laughs and uses the experience to have a weird funny & true story to tell. And oh, how it just gets more campy with every telling. It's great material to draw on, anyway and I'm over it. I saw and loved "The Ring" and really, really liked "I Heart Huckabee's". I'll always refer to Naomi Watts as my High School Nemesis (because she kind of was and it sounds kind of cool to say). The pain she caused me was very real - but come on. High school!

My mother however, still is very, very serious in her boycott of anything Naomi-related and makes the whole thing sound like Ms. Blonde tied me to a chair, covered me in gasoline and cut off my ear with a straight razor. I guess in your fragile early teen years, the Beauty Queen of high school telling you that you're too ugly to be in the upcoming talent show - sure can feel like it. And that really happened. And that was devestating - at the time.

I'm sure if my folks were there to see Naomi's bridesmaid car drive by, they'd be excited as hell, and would have no intention of cold-blooded vengeance, but to get an idea of how my mother hasn't quite gotten over the whole thing:

When "King Kong" came out and my sister's kids wanted my mother to take them to see it, she told me: "They really wanted to see 'King Kong', but I just couldn't do it, honey. Not after what she did to you..."

Now that's a good mom.


At 5:40 PM, Blogger Lost in Texas said...

Mulholland Drive was a film about duality.

I think Naomi was cast in the film because David Lynch sensed the huge split in what Naomi projects and what she is.

She projects herself as a beautiful, vulnerable, violet. Yet she is a bit of a black widow.

I always saw that side of her but actually seeing it confirmed is interesting to me, thanks.

Also perhaps you should see Mulholland Drive if you havent, Naomi is put through hell in that film, maybe seeing that will make you feel better. :)

Good luck.

At 11:44 AM, Anonymous stuporfly said...

Gee, I always kind of had a crush on Naomi, though I'm ridiculously tall, and she's ridiculously not, and when we'd slow dance, it would always feel awkward, but who really ever slow dances anymore anyway, except maybe at weddings, but even then, it's less about losing yourself in the moment than it about scanning the room to see how absurd people you've never seen not wearing shorts and a filthy t-shirt look when they try to get all gussied up, and by then the song is over and you're off encouraging some teenager to spike the punch bowl with acid, and your date is in gosh knows which closet making out with goodness knows who, and you secretly hope it's with another chick, but things never go the way they do in your fantasies, because even if she was in there with some other chick, they'll just laugh at you and not ask you to join in, and that's just when the psychedelic punch kicks in, and you realize someone cut the acid with rat poison and you're in for at least 8 hours of trying to peel spiderwebs off your hands.

In conclusion, I no longer have a crush on Naomi Watts. See what a good friend I am?

I am Theo. Ask me to explain that one to you some time if you want a tale from my own tortured teen years.


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