Tom Brokaw's Diary: Entry 4 - 8

Dear Diary, If I was gay I think I would want a man’s man. I thought that being gay meant you liked men. Why is it that effeminate gay men date other effeminate gay men? I would want to date, like, a strong, smart, macho man, who solved all my problems and while he was tough as nails could make me feel safe when I am lying in his arms. Like a Jack Bower type. He is very dreamy, diary.

Dear Dairy, Last night I dreamed about Jack Bower again. I know he is a fictional character, but he is so real in my dreams. In last nights dream I was at the anchor desk on NBC Nightly News, but it wasn’t the NBC stage, it was the set of Geraldo, and yet I knew it was NBC. It was weird. I was reporting on a cat fashion show when suddenly I was surrounded by bears, but they weren’t real bears, they looked elongated and less hairy, but I knew they were bears, and they got very close to me. I wasn’t scared but I was naked. Suddenly my mother was hanging in effigy in front of me and I looked in the mirror and discovered I was a zombie David Brinkley! I began to scream and then Jack Bower woke me up…but it was still a dream…and he put his arms around me and said “Shhhh, its all right, I’ve got you baby.” Then he looked me directly in the eyes and said, “Whatever you do, don’t wake up.” Then my cat stepped on my groin and I woke up. It was CRAZY Diary! I mean what was that about?

Dear Dairy, I am fat, fat, fatty fat, fat. I am so gross! Anderson Cooper can eat whatever he wants and never gets fat! It is so unfair. I hate him. I am so hungry all the time. If Anderson Cooper was made out of tacos I would eat him. You know, he looks like he would be made out of tacos. Delicious tacos. Maybe tonight will be an Olde El Paso taco in a box night. I think Geraldo would taste like a honey baked ham. Larry King – red velvet cake. Wolf Blitzer, a stick of butter. Katie Couric – meatloaf. Dan Rather – corn. Barbara Walters – clams. I’m hungry now Diary. I am going to go and get some food.

(The food list could go on and on)

Guess who Diary?! It’s me. I think I am depressed. I feel off and no matter how nice everyone is to me I think they are all lying. Sometimes I wish I would get hit by a car or have some sort of accident, not fatal and nothing that would make me ugly or retarded, just bad enough to be in the hospital for a while. Then I wouldn’t be expected to be so perfect all the time. I could just slow down and everyone would be nice. I’d see who my real friends are. Hold on Diary, I have to go to the bathroom. I’m back. I feel fat and unsexy. I just want to lay on the couch, watch back to back episodes of CSI all night, and eat frozen pizzas and dip.

Just a few more days till LOST is back on Diary! I can’t wait! What’s going to happen? If LOST was real and I was on the island I think I would be like Jack. Strong and smart. The guy who kept everyone together. I also wouldn’t let Kate run off with Sawyer. I would make her mine and rule the island! OH MY GOD! The radio is playing a Clay Aiken song. I love his remake of this song!!!! (singing) “I can't live, if living is without you, I can't live, I can't give anymore.” I wish I was Clay Aiken for a day. I would get laid all day long.