Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Ideas...dangerously wicked ideas.

Hi. Tempy McTemp here delivering special to you hard hittin' reportin' right between the eyes!

And today it's another case of "I hope you brought a book". And again, said by extremely sweet people. No really; sometimes people are so super nice at the slowest of businesses that it makes you want to screw up some filing in secret (in advance, by either busting into the place during the night or a good old fashioned time machine) just so that you can help them. It's a good sign when you show up and they know your name and two people are waiting to greet you with a pink box (which always means donuts or in some cases, a slice of Lady Baltimore cake) followed by a tour of the Breakroom of Dreams featuring all the different teas Stash has to offer and real Half & Half.

This has been happening more often than not: an office with a staff of sixty strong on the extensions list, about fifty people out and the phone rings a grand total of eight times. These are the businesses that seem to be the nicest or most agreeable. It's the busy places that have none of these attributes. The busiest businesses have the mean staff of a hundred, they're all in and they only have coffee and shitty powdered dairy creamer which tastes like shoe. No one takes their calls and they like Cathy and all of her bathing suit & chocolate man-woes without irony. Their 1992 allegiance to Cathy is still aging right there on their pathetic fridge.

It's at the places where I sit reading the book they hope I brought where I get ideas. Maybe it's being inspired to freely poke around the internet at the suggestion of my Day Bosses, or maybe it's the being offered eight issues of Us Weekly (speaking of - holy fucking god somebody please help Britney. She's breaking my heart, y'all.) Either way, here are a few ideas. Under the heading of "Ideas". Or "Ideas!!!".

(A bit of a mouthful but I think that together we can come up with something more simple.) What I have in mind is a roller rink where people are free to slide around in their favorite pair of socks on the biggest highly waxed hardwood floor they've ever seen. But with music! And a hot dog stand with popcorn, pretzels and other National Pastime foods. The appeal would be that you can slide for hours without the chance of busting any lamps or vases in your own home. You can also slide without worrying about gliding directly into any kitchen knives or fearing that the family dog will hurricane right under your feet as you sail down the hall slamming into the front door. Just like skating, there will be a Speed Slide session, Change Directions, Couples Slide and All Slide. The only thing really missing are wheels, but this may revolutionize how fast sessions can change over. There's no lumbering skates with laces to deal with - just socks. Think about a children's birthday party with twelve six year-olds. Think about doing and undoing skates for twenty four fidgety tiny feet. Think about how long that would take. Now think about if it were just socks that you had to deal with. You're in, you're out. Time for cake, everyone goes home, you take your brandy & aspirin nap at least an hour earlier than planned! No name yet, though I'm leaning toward: Roller Rink But for Socks!

What's something that all meth addicts seem to have in common? Besides a passion for crystal meth? Guess in the blank! They _____ their kids and ____ ____their cigarettes. If you said "lose" before "their kids" and "don't lose" before "their cigarettes", you're absolutely right! What's the solution? It's as easy as scotch taping cigarette packs to the foreheads of their children. This way, nothing is lost (except for maybe a few teeth down the road...)

And that's all the time for ideas today.
See you next time!


At 1:16 PM, Anonymous stuporfly said...

Taping cigarettes sounds too complicated for a crackhead. Maybe if they just named their kids after cigarette brands instead. "Hey Pall Mall! Lucky Strike! Open up a can of deviled ham! It's dinner!"


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