Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Friday, July 25, 2008

EVERY ROSE: My Future Daughter's Road to Guaranteed Success on 'ROCK OF LOVE XXI'

("Evangeline? Will you stay in this house and continue to Rock My World?")

CURRENT STATUS: Still waiting for Baby Evangeline to make an appearance.

I'm on the non-US Government and non-French supported (but supported financially by Husband Ted) leave, and not a moment too soon. There still may be a whole week before she actually gets here. She could get here tomorrow. She could get here in perfect "sit-com season finale style" and start real labor right before our troupe is supposed to take the stage at our Sketchfest. I just really hope it's soon. My "chronic pain since mid-April" is at an all-time high. It used to be that for most of the day it was a dull, low manageable pain and then it escalated in the evening, now the pain is my 6AM alarm clock. I'm not only dying to meet our daughter, but I'm excited to have my old body back - not in the "fit in my old jeans" way, but the "I can't wait to not feel like this all the time" way. Here's where the complaining stops, but I had to get this out. This last month has been physically the most challenging thing I've ever had to deal with, but I still know that I'm the luckiest gal alive. That being said, on to the purpose of this post; to procure our future daughter a coveted spot on the Rock of Love XXI Final Two line-up!

Brett Michaels, star and creator of Vh1 "celebreality" hit Rock of Love, seems very comfortable milking his "I was in Poison" angle. Hopefully he'll still be strategically stashing his acoustic guitar in places (" did this get here?") where The Chicks are, telling an endless well of women for years to come that every rose does have its thorn, until every rose has heard that song.

The first thing to be done is change Evangeline's name. Her chances really might be better if we just named her after a bunch of drug store shampoos. Pantene Finesse Tresmme Douglass (or even just 'Tre'Semme!') might be just the thing. On paper it looks like she smells really fancy.

If watching a Project Runway marathon did anything for me last week, it fueled my ABSOLUTE BURNING UNSTOPPABLE DESIRE to from now on sew all of my own clothes and the clothes of anyone I've ever met. This also means sewing clothes for our daughter. Uh oh! Get ready for the latest fashion bug to invade our home - the Baby Tube Top! Tube tops are the Top Ramen of sewing. Nothing is easier than making tube tops. Due to my recent state of "nothing really fits me right now", boredom, a heatwave and that I finally found out where our one pair of scissors were packed after our move, I've transformed a few of my old spaghetti strap tanks into very fetching strapless tops; a style I couldn't really pull off before because I didn't have the budding rack that I'm currently sporting. With a glitter-glue pen to write something adorable on these tops and making a mobile for the nursery out of saline implants and Carmen Electra pictures, I'd say our little gal is on her way. I can also try to MacGyver some of her onesies into tube-sies.

As she gets older (around age nine, but if anyone asks, she's really five!) Evangeline is going to need constant affirming that she's "hot" in some way (to go along with pretending to be stupid and seeing what she can get for nothing.) After thinking about it for a while, I think that cork wedge heels paired with Juicy shorts are the answer. Teetering around in a pair of Candie's on bark-dust is such a Bambi on the ice moment. Nothing is cuter! Also she'll get a bit of sympathy ("Will you just look at that adorable lack of judgment?") and as she fishes around her Louis Vuitton knock-off change purse for her Yoo-Hoo! money, the boys will no doubt want to help her out with a nickel or two. It would be their honor to help a playground hottie wearing a tee that says: "Learning Schmearning...I'm here for the boys!"

Around twelve or thirteen, it would be time to test Evangeline's mettle in the real world. The Portland Rose Festival is an annual two week long celebration filled with parades and visitors in the Navy who are looking to have some adult entertainment down-time in our fair city. The Pepsi Fun Centre is the central piece of the festival - a village of questionable, hastily put together rides packed with a crowd of muscle car drivers and their families, dragging around three toddlers each - all sporting a ring of Kool-Aid and dried pudding around their tiny mouths. The parents carry their version of a homing beacon; an over sized plush basketball playing Taz or puffy plastic Hulk on a stick. The Pepsi Fun Centre is also the place to be for eighth grade boys to scope out the real live Bratz dolls from their classes in a joyful weekend environment. This is where Evangeline (or by now, Pantene) is going to get some serious training from her classmates. Like Rocky training in the Soviet snow, my daughter will walk the length of the Fun Centre back and forth until she gets A) a free elephant ear or corn dog from either a sailor or man-possum trolling the area or B) an offer of a free Old Tymey sepia toned photo where she's dressed like a Wild West hooker. She may even get in some kind of scuffle with another female of the same ilk because a well-meaning carny let her cut the line of The Inverter! It's never too early to learn verbal bitch-slapping. It will really come in handy during the episode where Brett Michaels poses the challenge to the girls of Rock of Love XXI to have a verbal bitch-slapping contest, ending with washing a goat in a bikini. I don't think I need to tell you that Evan needs to be on her toes for this.

It's also during this time that Ted will have to make the huge sacrifice of not being the amazing father that he is destined to be. Let's face it: in order for our little girl to grow up and be on Brett Michaels' short list, then Ted will have to become Captain Von Trapp and about twenty times dickier. He will have to ignore her at all costs only to break the silence with an occasional: "Hey! Albert Frankenstein! No dude will ever like you if you keep reading those fancy books about sciencemath!" Ted will really have to keep a lid on his encouragements and just tell Evangeline that she's as good as the wisdom written on her midriff tees from Forever 21 ("I'M Not High Maintenance! YOU'RE Just Lazy!"). If this sounds harsh, we know it is. But just think about the weekend in Cabo that Brett has planned for the both of them as he has to make up his mind choosing between her, and Champayne-Dest'Nee from Arkansas (already no match for our Evan!) Think about the happiness ahead! I do all the time.

You all have my Princess Pony Party Promise that I will do everything and anything in my power to make sure that our daughter will grow up confused, stupid and with plenty of low self esteem. She will rely on her looks and shake that ass when the going gets rough. She will wear squares of fabric and spell things with numbers and single letters. Books will be something she uses to put on top of the fake gems she just glued onto her bikini top to make sure they stay put. Whenever someone asks her a question, she will look to her boyfriend to make sure it's okay to answer. Her voice will sound like a six year-olds when she's thirty and she will dress like a thirty year old when she's ninety. I promise that she will have something for you to read on her chest or ass so you won't be bored while she's serving you your hot wings. I will birth a quality product for your future enjoyment to either entertain at the local boat show or tease you from the cover of a magazine where she's almost taking off that bikini bottom (but not quite - it depends on what those thumbs slung snuggly decide to do...)

Lastly - I have the kind of past that just might knock Evangeline into the lead during the Rock of Love XXI "Meet the Parents" episode. I will even feign amazement when Brett sings "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". (Again.)

Just wish our baby girl luck, and us luck in our quest to be the most Awesomest Parents

(Get we go...)



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