Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Monday, October 17, 2005


(By Dakota Fanning)

Jesus! I need to take drastic measures. I don't know if I'm 10 or 37 - I really don't.

Today I made the mistake of actually sharing these feelings with a P.A. whom I thought was open minded (she was talking about metaphysics, so...) I told her of my predicament, so what did she do? She thought it was so adorable that I wasn't sure if I was a kid or not, that she told the whole crew, who wouldn't take my near panic-attacky feelings seriously. I tried convincing so many people that I may be literally trapped in the wrong body, and they just kept saying: "Wow! You sound so grown-up!" When I hit the beyond frustrated wall and started crying, I got: "Wow! How do you just cry like that? Do you think of dead puppies?" I mean seriously! I'm going out of my wee skull. How do I know this isn't some gypsy curse?

I got out of Halle Berry's niece's tea party. I told the cops that Halle Berry molested me. I think I said: "Halle Berry showed me her Oscar, but it looked like her vagina".

I did that around 12 today. It's....7:40P now and I'm feeling kind of bad about it.

THURS 10/13:
Halle Barry has been arrested - HA-HA! Hooker.

FRI 10/14:
I'm gonna just.....ARGH!

My agent signed me up to do a movie with "Hacky" De Niro again about...get this...mobsters who have no choice (none!) but to hide out in an Olympic Village and pose as athletes. One of the mobsters actually ends up winning a gold medal at the end and is inspired to turn his life around thanks to: "a precocious young gymnast" (<---who could that be?)

Somehow I have to find a way to trade souls with a penguin, and I need to do this fast before
"Mafi Athletes" (<---SPEW!) starts filming.

I'm going to throw up aaaaaaall over myself and blame Halle Berry.

SAT 10/15:
Today I had to go film an ice skating segment with Katie Couric for an upcoming Holiday Special featuring Hillary Duff. I think it's called: "Hillary Duff's Insane Shitty Christmas Special". IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE DEGRADING but I'll share:

Katie Couric and I (she's a tree, I'm a candy cane) skate around until we're supposedly skating "so fast" in circles that we summon Maroon 5 from prehistoric times. Suddenly there's Hilary Duff dressed as a....Christmas cavegirl (? I couldn't tell or didn't care) and then she does a number....there's elves....fuck knows. It's shitty.

I snuck into the alley where all the PA's were smoking and I breathed deeply.

SUN 10/16:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been knocking on my door to go have a picnic....for the last four fucking hours. I've been hiding here in the bathroom all this time. Is this what scientologists are trained to do? Knock on a person's door for hours and never give up? Keep knocking, Crazies. Next time I'll smear my door with poo.


At 1:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello, this is 'anonymous'. No, not THAT anonymous, but his younger brother, Ted. Ted Anonymous, that's me. Look, I just wanted to apologize for his behavior. He gets liquored up now and then and feels the need to visit people's blogs and say things like, "Hey, great blog! Would you like to earn money in your spare time making hairshirts?"
I know it's annoying, but please bear with him. It's been a bad year, what with his screenplay being rejected, not to mention the whole P. Diddy name change debacle. So if he comes around, just humor him. I promise he'll stop soon.

At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This may be the most brilliant blog ever. I love reading the "Jordi" entries!

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this fucking kills me.


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