Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Too Secretary for Comfort

Sigh....Its Christmas time and there is nothing I loathe more than "office cheer." I am not the best person in the office environment. Maybe its because my office job is my "day job" and my real love is comedy and when you perfomr comedy all the time you don't want to do it at your "day job" or you become known as "the comic" or the "hey, you do comedy, say something funny" girl, which is always impossible to do without offending someone in the office or leading people to think you don't take your "day job" seriously and you become "expendable."

Besides, office events are always awkward. "Look, its someones birthday! Lets have cake!"

I wish twice a month we could just put a cake in the kitchen for people to eat, rather than the birthdays where everyone exchanges small talk and complains about how they "can't eat cake or they will get FAT!" while they eat the cake because everyone has said "no! You can totally eat the cake! You aren't fat!" It becomes the who is fatter than who day when that stupid talk starts..."You can eat it you are skinny!" "No you are!""I can't eat this, I'll get so fat!""I am already too fat! You eat it!" I am going to say..."You're all fat, fat, fatty, fat, fat, so this cake ain't gonna hurt. Now eat it!"

OK...i just got thru with a birthday party at the office so I am still rattled.

The whole office culture is bizarre to me...this line between co worker and friend and weird expectations that begin to develop if you have been here forever.

Of course none of this is the point. The point is its Christmas time in my office and someone found the "decorations" that I had hoped were buried 4 years ago.

My computer is humiliated.

Can you believe this is what I have to look at all the time? They are on all of our computers. It makes me feel like I should just give up the dream of comedy or any sort of creative life and settle into being a secretary and pull on my sweatshirt with the picture of a cat and a Christmas tree that says "Purrrrrfect Christmas" on it and bring in sugar cookies (which will become my only creative outlet) for the other secretaries to eat and they will say "I shouldn't eat this I'll get fat! That sweatshirt is so cute! These cookies are amazing! I am going to get even fatter! You are really a cookie genius! You should sell them! I'd buy some!" and then I would take the train home and feed all 70 of my cats and then turn on some ABC or CBS comedy involving a big fat stupid duche bag and a skinny wife who is always putting on lotion while he is always getting into trouble, and just as I am about to fall asleep, I'll shoot myself in the face.

Merry Christmas PPPAers!

love, Biz


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