Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Your Newly Divorced Uncle Wants You To Know That He's Cool

"Ask me about the Little Wayne"

Another birthday! How about that! You're what, now...twenty three? Oh, Fifteen! Excuse me, miss - that's sure an age. You look so grown up with all that makeup and everything. Fifteen! I like that fancy shirt. You look sparkly! Just like a showgal! Or one of those rap gals! Hot dog! Do you like Fifty Cents?... Me? Good. Doing great! Never been better. Your mom still knows how to fill a pie pan. This pie is exquisite! It's real berries and I can tell the difference. Sheila used to use the canned stuff. Never was a fan of Sheila's pies. She ain't here is she?... Oh good. Phew! I mean...I know she's your aunt and everything, but I think you catch my wave. Listen, is uh...your brother here? Oh. There he is. Well, honey...I'm going to go and refresh my drink, but I'll talk to you in a bit, okay? Don't go getting any fellas arrested! HAHAHAHAHAAA! Okay Brittney. Ciao!... Trent! Trent my man what is up! Woweewah-wee-wah, you're looking good bromance! Are you benching anything? Did you get my birthday check? It's a little lighter than last year because...well, you know...your aunt took me to the cle-heeean-herrrrrs-hahahaha!... Yeah. Yeah, I know. Thank you. Hey! I brought something else for you. Now, it's not wrapped, but I figured since you like the rap music, a fella at the record shop said that these guys are going to be huge... Go ahead!... Do you like it? It's a CD single of "Wipe Out" by The Fat Boys!... Are you sure? You can exchange it. Personally I like the Little Wayne but... It's what now?... Oh! Excuse me! The Li'l Wayne... Oh! Just... Just Li'l? Oh, sure that's what I meant! Sure. My bads. I listen to so many rap music it's bananas! Hey, that's what you do when you get a new Buick Rendezvous. Listen, will you follow me to the drinkie area? I need a shot of courage. I'm sure you know, being twenty one and everything, but... Oh! Excuse me, I meant eighteen! I knew that. Your uncle is screwing with you, Trent! HAHAHAHAAAA! Okay. Where does your mother keep the good stuff?... Oh! Grea! That would be great. I do like Mister Beam... Thank you... Ah! That's the stuff... Hmmm... Trent, I'm really loving this drink and everything, but I was wondering...hoping actually, that you might have something a little...stronger? Maybe postcards from Hawaii? Or Oregon? Or maybe Alaska?... Humboldt County?... Okay, Trent. Okay... Ummm... Okay, do you have any pots and pans? But without the pans?... Heh-heh, never mind... I'm just screwing around. Your uncle is just screwing around! Listen, does Aunt Nancy still come to these things? She's still got that tennis elbow, right?... Oh, I see her! Later son... Guess who! Don't sue! Ha-HAH! Nance! You still feel like a sixteen year old! So your elbow? What's the story?... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Awwww... Oh, that's too bad, Nance... Uh-huh... Yup... Awww, listen, Nance...does the doc still have you on the pain killers or anything?...



At 3:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

See Lady Gaga video review request unber BIZ post....

At 4:21 AM, Blogger Jordi or Biz said...

We'll get right on it! Watch this space.

At 4:36 PM, Anonymous Livia Scott said...

AWESOME! Soooo funny. "Bromance" !!! Nice.

At 7:12 PM, Blogger Beth said...

OK, my uncle isn't newly divorced (never married) and he doesn't try *too* hard to be cool (he's 76) but, he has no idea how old I am (he does recall I'm old enough to buy lottery tickets so I get a lot of scratch cards...) and he sends me a VALENTINE'S DAY card EVERY year!!!

I love my Uncle Bernie (no joke - my sister and I lovingly refer to his as BERHNuDD), but he cracks me up. He doesn't quite 'get' voicemail. I've saved every one he's left me - I will try to transfer one from my BlackBerry so you can hear for yourself ("HELLO?!? I.WANT.TO.SPEAK.WITH.BETH...").


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