POSSUM!

Last night Katy Belle woke me up. She was hungry and upset, so I crawled out of bed, walked through the dark bedroom, up the stairs to Katy Belle's room, fed her, rocked her, put her back to bed, walked back down to my bedroom, and crawled into bed. I poked Stefan and said, "god it's hot, do you mind getting the fan set up down here?"

So through the dark room he went, grabbed the fan, crossed the room to the window (which was open for the cats to come and go) turned on the light by the window, stood in the chair to reach behind the chair to reach the plug and he says in a tight and surprised voice, "Oh my god."

Me - What? (I am thinking dead bird or pile of cat puke)

Stefan - There is a possum back here.

Pause

Me - What?

Stefan - A possum.

Me - (still frozen in bed, trying to remain calm) Is it dead?

Stefan (still standing in the chair) No.

Me - How big is it?

Stefan - This big.

Please note - We did not take pictures. All images are reenactments based on images found online.

(reenactment)



Pause


Me - EVERYBODY OUT OF THE ROOM NOW! Get the cats, get out.


(shut door to bedroom)


Stefan, Bee, Casper and I, all staring at the door.


TO THE INTERNET!


Now, let me say that at this point, I have not seen the possum. I don't want to see the possum. All I know is that we have been walking around in the dark with a mother fraking possum in the room and that  is combined with Stefan's size description and this image in my head:

Of course the internet insists that possums are not rats, that they are related to the kangaroo and koala family. How sweet.

Ummmm...so....ummmm...

AHHHHHHH!!!!


That is behind my chair in my room. IN MY ROOM WHERE I SLEEP! If I had not woken up for my baby, this big ass rat monster could have been skulking about...in my bed...or burrowed itself somewhere for me to find much later.


AHHHHHHHHH!!!!


Now there are a number of suggestions on line for trapping a possum in your house. Most involve garbage cans and cat food and peanut butter. They repeat over and over that possums are timid creatures who don't attack and freeze when scared. Uh huh. Ok. 


They emphasize that one should not use a broom as that will frighten the big ass rat monster, which I can only interpret as sending the awful thing into a rage.


It's 1:30am, I have this...

...in my room and no matter what any internet site tells me I can only imagine that if I step back into that bedroom and even breathe I am going to send it into a manic fit and it will hurl itself at 90 miles an hour across the room, squealing, claws extended, limbs frantically clawing, urine and feces streaming from its possum nether parts, latching itself onto my face.


Me - how big was it again?


Stefan - 



Me - ummm hmmmm. Ok. I am going to throw up. 


Stefan - I am going to go downstairs and see if it left. 


Me - (shudder)


Stefan (upon returning) - Its gone.


HOLD ON - I'd like to take a minute to flashback to my childhood. I am in bed. I see a roach or spider. I call for my Papa. He comes in, I go out. He closes the door. Lot's of banging noise. Papa opens door and says "it's dead." I go happily back to sleep. Fast forward 8 years and I am a camp counselor. Kids cry about bugs, I make them leave, I pretend to kill a bug and then tell them it is saf....AH HA!!!!


Back to present. 


Me - are you sure it is gone?


Stefan -  I checked everywhere, under the bed, behind the cabinets, in the closet. It is gone.


Me (to self) Liar


So we go downstairs and even after a scuffle in the window between Bee the cat and the possum of doom...which confirmed that the possum was indeed outside...I was still unconvinced.


Do you remember a little ghost story about a group of coeds that spend the night in the same bed, one brings her dog, who throughout the night, whenever she needs reassurance that the noises she hears in the room aren't bad, licks her fingers...and when she wakes up she find all her friends dead along with the dog and a note that says "a human can lick as well as a dog." 


AHHHHHHHH!!!


Well this is how I imagine the rest of my night. I will go to sleep with my cat curled up next to me and wake up nose to nose with a freaking possum who has a note that says "a possum can cuddle as well as a cat."


Like getting a goodnight sleep wasn't already a problem.


Oh, and I am convinced that the chair the possum was hiding behind is now a nest for it's babies and the next time I sit in it, thousands of possum babies will spill out.


(shudder)


The End?