Dear Diary Part 5

OK…it’s been a while since my diary….but good news, I scanned in a picture of me from the time this was written. Bask in the glory.

Wow...and I couldn't get a date? Nice glasses Annie Potts.

I believe we left off with my dad possibly taking a job in Birmingham, me being excited to move out of Tuscaloosa, me desperately wanting a boy to “like” me, and more importantly “grub with” me.

I have selected three fine entries that I think show that despite how “popular” it may sound like I am, I am not. I am sad and lonely and though boys talk to me, I believe it was because I was a “good friend.”

A few things:

We are starting to see the early stages of issues that follow me through my adult life in therapy…ha ha ha.

I am refraining from commenting on my self, particularly in the January 24th entry. “Social Status?” Jesus. Ok, there is one "sigh" added in that I couldn't help myself form doing.

Anyway, enjoy these PAINFUL entries.

1/23/90

My gosh! I am in the weirdest mood. I was at lunch today and I felt left out so I just sat there and acted like I was involved in my math. I didn’t say a word. All I could think about doing was moving. Even though I couldn’t tell anyone I just felt awful. Thinking about all the people who I’ve grown up with and such. Rosh looked over and said “wow, what’s wrong? Something must be wrong cause you’re so quiet.” GOD! Why is it so amazing that I don’t always talk? Whenever I do talk it doesn’t all come out clearly and I end up stuttering and I come across as an airhead. Or I’ll be talking and people won’t understand so they just pretend to listen or everyone will want me to shut up cause its not important. When I am finally quiet all I get is, why aren’t your talking? Something must be wrong! Ahg! I HATE IT!!! I really (before I move) want to go on a real date with at least 2 of the people I have a crush on. I want to experience romance before I leave. Have the guy come over or pull me aside, (as long as it’s alone and private) and ask me out. To already have plans made, (not including thousands of people for the entire night.) To call and confirm it. To come pick me up (or I’ll drive) and then when we were out he’d be by me the whole time. To go out to a park at night and look at stars by the lake. How wonderful. Someone who’ll just hold me in his arms for awhile. I really want to go out with someone this weekend. Tomorrow my dad releases his plans to take the job in B’ham (I hope he chooses to) so I can tell people that this is the last year we’ll spend together. There’s a freshmen, I am not sure of his name, but he is adorable.

1/24/90

Well it’s official. My dad has taken the job with UAB so I’ll be moving in 4 months. It’s really weird. Renee was excited and so am I but I am leaving all these people. It took me a lot to get back up the “social status” I’m in now. My big plan was to go out with all the guys I’ve ever had a crush on but hey! Wake up! So I am going to choose one (sigh..look at me, choose? So painful.) and go for him. If I succeed then maybe I’ll try again later. But I really need a date. Some acknowledgement that people think I’m attractive. If just one of the people I’m interested in would ask me out then maybe others would say hey! She’s not that bad. I hope there’s a party this weekend. Josh isn’t helping at all with guys for me. I’m getting sick of it. I’ve all of a sudden gotten depressed. BANG! Maybe Ram can help. We had that great talk in the car Tuesday. Hey, I’m gonna just go up and start talking to these guys. Why not? I can always plea I was being friendly.