The Glamorous Life!

CONGRATULATE MY HUSBAND TED, WOULD YOU?

HE JUST GOT HIRED TODAY TO BE A DJ/PRODUCER ON ONE OF PORTLAND'S BIGGEST AFTERNOON RADIO SHOWS! NOT ONLY AM I PROUD AS HELL, BUT THIS PUTS ME IN AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB.

(What club is that?)

WHY, THE GLAMOROUS WIVES & LIVES CLUB!

Yes. As Ted's meteorotic rise to fame trailblazes through the sky (and across the airwaves), you can bet your entire life that night after night will be a blur of champange wishes, Playstation 3 dreams and parties for astronauts! We'll no doubt take the Back Way through the service entrance, as we cajole with chefs and waiters, through the kitchen in our evening finery as the camera follows our one-shot path while The Crystlas sing "Then He Kissed Me" all the way to our table fro two brought out 'special'.

Bring on the diamonds! Bring on the pearls! Bring on the pet insurance and conditioner that isn't Suave! For our lives are about to change. Don't get me wrong - I will still work my Girl Friday job. I believe in pulling my weight. But I do expect just a little payback. 'For what exactly', you ask? For all the typical things that happen to Glamorous Wives.

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...

1. ELVIRA HANCOCK (MONTANA) - Picture one:
"Can't you stop saying 'fuck' all the time?"
She has all the warmth and affection of a godddamn wolverine and hoovers discreet-not-so-discreet toots of China White throughout most of 'Scarface' - but Elvira Hancock at least knew what was most important - looking gorgeous while kind of standing by her man - the powerful Tony Montana. Of course, she stood by him in a 'Fuck you who gives a fuck, you fucking fuck?' kind of way, but still. That haircut is to die for, but I can't have bangs (too many cowlicks.)

I'm going to give her two out of five 'Put-Upons'.

2. KAREN HILL - Picture two:
"You've got some nerve standing me up! Who the hell you think you are, Frankie Valli or SOMEKINDA BIG SHOT?!!"
And there are millions of gems where these came from. You'll see them spoken one day in my one woman show: "An Endless Painful Evening with Jordi Barnes as Hal Holbrook AS Mark Twain AS Karen Hill". When Karen Hill wanted to go shopping, all she had to do was measure in fingers how big a stack of dough she needed. Her payment in exchange? Going down on her husband - dapper and vicious mobster Henry Hill. How easy is this going to be? With Karen Hill as my role model, the glamorous life will roll on for a good four or five years until the whores show up. No, no - that's good! Four to five years is a while! That's plenty of time. But when it comes to a halt, and Ted has his goomah set up in a loft in the Pearl District and then I have to start sneaking in pills and salami into jail....well. That won't happen for a while. Best not to think about it right now.

Karen did SO much for Henry - I'm giving her five out of five 'Put-Upons'. Karen Hill was a champ. She did live the Glamorous Life though.

3. ANDY CAPP'S WIFE FLO - Picture three:
"Ow, stop punching me in the face you hilarious drunk!"
Flo Capp has taken more hits over the years than pictures of Britney's vagina. I guess when Andy Capp started getting famous, she started talking back and WHAM! I mean look! Look at that! What did she say to make Andy Capp so angry, that he punches her so hard and his eyes pop out of his HAT? I guess all I can say to that is:"Ted, please don't get so famous that you punch me in the face and I see your eyes pop out of your hat". That drawing is crazy. I'm even willing to bet that they're acting in that picture.

Congratulations my husband.
I love you.
You are going to be amazing at this.
If you even think of leaving me for Flo Capp down the road - we're through.
-J.