Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Monday, February 19, 2007


Are you a dick? Don't know if you are or which one?
Find out with our Gallery of Dicks!

1. Noah's Dicks
Some dicks go Two-byTwo. And here they are. Just waiting for you to check into the hotel room next to theirs so that they can ask sweetly for a morning paper at the front desk...and just as they turn to walk away, they'll say: "I don't know if it's you I talk to about this, but I think the people next door to us might be potheads. You might want to look into that. Or we may go elsewhere". This is from when you brought back some Italian food and the scent of oregano filled the hall. Only a fucking moron dick would make that mistake.

2. Abercrombie J. Crewdicks
"After the sailboat regatta, we're going to play rugby while having a snowball fight".
Okay dicks. Whatever you say. Just know that,'re dicks.

3. "VEGA$ BABY!" Date Rapers
I can't even begin to say what I hate about these types of dicks the most. I just really hope that one day they get painful diarrhea on a plane. In front of a girl. And not the regular girl who hangs out with them and they treat like crap and they throw poker chips at her and they think it's funny, but another girl who hasn't seen them with diarrhea before. Like a shiny girl who works at a dentist office. That's all.

4. "The Classy Abuser" (This perfect term was coined by Biz Ellis and Livia Scott)
This is the guy who tells you in a subtle way (at first) what exactly is wrong with the way you wear a belt and then when you say: "But I like to wear it like this", he puts his hands together like so (above) and says gently: "Oh. I see. You know more than I do. I see. You know what darling, I don't think that **Alexander Graham Bell would wear it that way. Do you? Do you? I don't think he would like to accentuate what you're so sensitive about. I'm talking about tyour hips, darling. But if you really think it looks good, well....then....well. I guess I can't teach you class." And then when he takes you to the opera, he tries to shut you up when you stand up to sing 'Voices Carry' really loudly from the balcony. Dick.
(** Or whomever the fuck invented belts.)

5. Animals
Look around. Sometimes the animal kingdom is full of dicks: saltwater crocodiles, poodles, king cobras, cats that hate, great white sharks, spiders, elephants that charge, racoons that give you rabies, Alexander Graham Bell....shall I go on?

6. Babies
No one wants to admit that their baby at times is a dick. Think about it. If your roommate deprived you of sleep, tried drinking from your boobs everytime you walked by, threw up on you and screamed and cried every 45 minutes and didn't even apologize, then that roommate would be a dick. Babies are like tiny mean drunks. They can be dicks.

7. Steely Dan
Are they dicks because I can't help but like their music or because at 100 years old they're still waxing poetic about underage girls and coccaine and still getting away with it? I hate Steely Dan because whenever I hear them, I find it comforting. It doesn't get much more 'Adult Contemporary' than Steely Dan. They lull me back into the nights when I knew my parents were going out because: 1. the house reeked of Opium (my mother's favorite perfume) and 2. Steely Dan was on the hi-fi. Their music today makes me want to fall asleep on all the coats in the guestroom. But that's a whole other story. Fuck you Steely Dan. For making me still love you. You dicks.


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