For 'Anonymous' Who Requested a Lady Gaga Video Review

"I will rape your eyes and ears."

This is a special request. We actually got a request to do something here on The Pony! This is an exciting day around here. Anonymous asked us to review Lady Gaga videos because they wanted to know if Lady Gaga is retarded or not, and needed an outside opinion.

Maybe we're the perfect candidates for this. I've heard exactly two Lady Gaga songs in my life, but have never seen any of her videos. Biz has never heard of Lady Gaga. This all equals a fresh angle as we have no opinion of her whatsoever. This all changes right now!

Please enjoy my review of one of her songs I haven't heard: Paparazzi. Writing as I'm watching, pausing to only to reflect on what I'm seeing.

The opening exterior shot shows a Beverly Hills mansion on a perfect Southern California day. There are Old Hollywood title cards, so you know this is a movie. Inside, the house looks like the one belonging to The Clampetts on The Beverly Hillbillies. It's very fancy. There's an exterior shot of the pool area and I'm convinced that this is where Crank II: High Voltage was shot. Back inside, it's quiet. We go upstairs where Lady Gaga is making out with the blonde vampire from Tru Blood, but he's probably not a vampire in this because the sun is out and he's not on fire. Money is strewn everywhere and there's a shot of a one hundred dollar bill with Lady Gaga's face on it, which tells me that this video exists in a world where maybe she was President. They are speaking some kind of Scandinavian language to each other, but don't worry. There are subtitles! Shot of a newspaper where she's in the picture and a headline about a scandal. I'm no surgeon, but this picture was probably taken by the Paparazzi.

No start of the song yet. This is going to take fucking forever.

They move outside to dry hump some more. I think they are actually speaking Italian. Lady Gaga looks like Janice from The Muppet Show. She has eyelashes of steel. Someone is taking pictures! *tchka! tchka!* Still black and white shots of their passion. Blonde Vampire notices the clicking of the cameras. He looks into the lens and tries to get Lady Gaga to look into the camera. She doesn't. He paws at her, she breaks a champagne bottle over his head and he shoves her off of the railing.

I haven't looked beyond this, but now I'm thinking it would be neat if she came back as a ghost.

Alright, now there are Paps taking photos of her broken body. The song finally begins and she's in a fancy wheelchair with a broken neck wearing a huge donut hair hat. She's wheeled into the mansion and all of her house staff is singing and dancing around her like in Annie when Annie sings I Think I'm Going To Like It Here. Gaga changes into a C3PO number and gets up on crutches and walks down a length of carpet. I think what she is trying to say is: "You can push me off of a house, but I'm never going to go away!"

At this point, Lady Gaga is already annoying me. It's a mixture of sincere "good for her for being so successful and tenacious" but also "she's not my cup of tea".

There are quick shots of models in homicide scene death poses, which is pretty fascinating. The calling cards of Blonde Vampire, no doubt.

The song itself isn't hooking me. As far as current female driven synth-pop goes, I prefer Ladyhawke.

Now she's on the second chorus doing a dance with backup dancers. I know my dance shit pretty well, and this dance is bad. Bad meaning bad, not bad meaning good. It's just lazy. Put a Ring On It, and make it better. Something! She's trying too hard with the kooky outfits.

I'm trying to get into this, but I'm beginning to think that Lady Gaga is mediocre at best.

Quick shots of Lady Gaga 'looking sexy'. Lady Gaga is not sexy. Is that Marmaduke? What?

Next shot: Lady Gaga sitting on a couch with Blonde Vampire reading the papers. He's wearing an eyepatch. She looks like a Harajuku Mickey Mouse yellow taxi, but she's walking upright so she's obviously cured. Evel Knieval in Viva Knieval! cured a boy of polio, but I don't think that happened here.

She pours him a drink and from her ring (just like in Lily Tomlin's fantasy sequence in 9 to 5) she sprinkles poison into the glass. He drinks it and immediately dies. It's so fake. She smiles, a phone rings, we hear her 911 call saying that she just killed her boyfriend. The song has ended, the cops show up and examine the scene, requisite paparazzi sequence follows, the headlines scream "She's back!" and then it ends with a quick black and white montage of Lady Gaga doing 'sexy' mug shot poses.

SUMMARY: Based on this, the songs Pokerface and Let's Dance and seeing the many pictures of her in the media, I have to give some big thumbs down to Lady Gaga. I have loved Madonna since '83, and saw a gradual power come from Madonna that didn't try to hit you over the head at first. Lady Gaga is desperate for you to 'Look at me!' which doesn't work. Madonna seduced me and had me at first glance with a brilliantly clever coyness. Lady Gaga is trying to rape my eyes. Madonna is also a much, much better dancer with much, much better songs and actual ballet training. Lady Gaga is the girl who gets drunk at the party and forces you to watch her do the Thriller dance and everyone is embarrassed for her. I have to say that I have been that girl.

THE VERDICT: Appreciate the effort, but 'meh'.

J.