Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Monday, July 12, 2010

An Open Letter to Bravo

Dear Bravo, 
Stop fucking up your reality shows. 

I hate most reality shows. I don't have the stomach to watch people be horrible to each other or to themselves. I don't like slowing down to look at accidents, I don't like seeing people get punked, and I don't like turning on my TV and seeing people half naked, drunk, slutting it out for the affections of an aging duche bag or getting jammed in the nuts for money. 

Then you came along Bravo. You gave me Project Runway. A group of skilled people participating in a reality show where the winner was rewarded for their abilities! ABILITIES! I loved it. My friends loved it. Even if the person was a jerk, it didn't affect if they won or not, it only mattered that they made a pair of pants out of groceries. And you threw in Tim Gunn, a reality show anomaly. There aren't nice people in reality shows! Nice people who are there to help you succeed with no other motive than to help you succeed? JOY! He was pure joy. 

My friends and I loved it. Never once did I hear anyone utter the words "couldn't they sex it up?" or "I wish people were nastier to each other or at least making out" in reference to this show. Fine, you lost it to Lifetime and no, it hasn't quite been the same, but let's just move on because the point is that you created this perfect mold and used it to give us…Top Chef!

If Project Runway was an adorable kitten given to me on my 6th birthday, then Top Chef is a pony who speaks english and grants wishes. Each season, without fail, you have given us great chefs (except the obvious 1 or 2 expendable extras that fall off the 1st two weeks…come on, that one guy didn't know what amuse bouche was. This was season 4, he didn't have a chance.) No one talked too much about the game, they just cooked. There was that Elan guy who was pretty crafty, but overall, everyone played nice, not wanting to be beaten because someone didn't have a potato, but because their food was superior.

Then last season…sigh…you gave us a Luck Dragon! Everyone was so good and even your shifty editing in the first episode "I got beat by a girl" couldn't make me hate Michael Isabella…do you know why? HE COULD COOK!

"Ok children, go to bed. Santa Bravo will be here tonight to bring you presents."

"Oh Mom! I can't wait to see what Santa Bravo brings us for Season 7! I have been such a good girl!"

(the next morning)

"Mom? Why did Santa Bravo take a crap in my stocking?"

Who the heck are these contestants? I can't seem to decide which is worse, their cooking or their attitude. I think their attitude. What a nasty group of people. The conniving, the game talk…I mean does anyone like anyone on that show? Also, double elimination? I was just starting to see glimpses of humanity in Arnold and then he gets kicked off over that woman and her "I know how to cook pasta." (by the way, it was obvious that was coming. You guys really need a new editor.) Speaking of editing, what makes this all worse, is that you, my dear friend Bravo, who gave me a kitten, a pony and a luck dragon, are responsible for making everyone look like jerks. Shame on you. You are better than that.

You are you know. You are better than that. You still have time to turn it around. 

When you do, I will be here. 

xoxo, Biz 


Post a Comment

<< Home