Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Thursday, September 01, 2011


LOS ANGELES, CA - It wasn't Beyonce's pregnancy reveal or Chris Brown's ability to make it two hours without beating up a woman that shocked the spangly audience of today's hottest musicians for two whole minutes at this year's MTV Music Video Awards, but the special much anticipated opening number by Lady Gaga, who left people gobsmacked as she took to her piano and started doing people's taxes as Dennis Colloroy, a self-employed accountant from Van Nuys, California. Among the people attending the show was candy-coated Pop Queen Katy Perry, who described the scene as "Really cool at first and then really super boring."

"Everyone was so super excited for Gaga to come out", Perry continued, "then she came out and we were all like 'Oh! My! God! She's an old man! That is so genius!' and then she started doing taxes and we were all like 'What's going on?' and then a million years went by and then I was all 'I'm going to change into my giant yellow block hat.'" Ms. Perry wasn't the only one to become frustrated. Lady Gaga 'superfan' Michael Kinsella, 16, scored tickets on his local radio station and flew all the way from Ohio to see the shape-shifting diva live. "I have followed Gaga's rise since 'Just Dance'. I feel like she really speaks to me. She's a true artist and I would literally die for her. But I was expecting more." Stacy Cornish, 16, Michael's best friend who got his other ticket remains blase: "Madonna's already done that. She's already done everything. Gaga's hella fugly. I went to see Kim Kardashian because she hella looks like a cat." Cornish and Kinsella were also accompanied by Michael's mother, Carol who exercised caution: "I just hope that everyone is safe and that we don't get mugged by 'rap people'."

At the beginning of her performance, Gaga - unrecognizable as Dennis - walked onstage wearing a New Era Factory Outlet suit in 'Patriot Eagle Brown' and a limited edition tie put out by Canoe cologne in 'Santa Fe Sage'. Carrying a briefcase and a take-out lunch from Baja Fresh, he paused and froze as the theatre erupted in cheers. He approached the piano, sat down and then opened his briefcase and proceeded to call production assistants from the wings one by one as 'Dennis' sat them down to talk about the grand scheme of their assets. "Dennis told me that putting that pool in for next summer is a bad idea. I don't have the money for it", said Cindy Ping. "Dennis has a point. He said that since my eldest son needs braces, swimming can wait until he's got straight teeth." Another excited PA receiving the sage advice from 'Dennis' was Conrad Skaar who said that he also benefited. "Say what you will about the meat dress and everything, but after looking through my receipts, she found a way to write off my trip to Burning Man last year. She should definitely stick with this. 'Pokerface' was okay, but the truth is, she's saving me money. I can buy a Komodo dragon!"

The audience waited several minutes for 'Dennis' to stop doing taxes so that Gaga would kick in and start singing, but it never happened. As ten minutes went by, Jay-Z and Kanye West got up to leave. Followed by Justin Bieber, his date, Foster The People, Young The Giant, Young Jeezy, Lil Wayne, Lil John, Kings of Leon, Queens of The Stone Age, and a lot of girls in tube tops. "I was literally upset", said Kinsella. "I literally died of being upset, disappointed and bored." He then went on to say how it was "literally, the worst thing ever to ever happen in the history of the world", before his mom reminded him of the Holocaust, 9/11 and his cousin Brian who can taste bitter things but not sweet things.

There were rumors that Lady Gaga and Madonna were going to team up for a rendition of 'Lady Madonna', but an insider quickly set things straight as he found out about the appearance of 'Dennis'.

Inquiries were sent to Gaga's team about the performance. They sent back the following statement: "If you wish to see Dennis, please make an appointment with Nancy and come prepared with all W-2's, receipts, 1099's and year end statements. Fight censorship. Fuck AIDS. Love, Gaga."



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