TWO FATALLY ATTACKED BY ALLIGATOR - COMIC RELIEF FROM 80's TEEN MOVIE IS SOLE WITNESS.

"I'm 21"

HAMMOCK BAY, FL - Festivities at the Hammock Bay Golf & Country Club were cut short Saturday evening, as the playground to the area's most affluent neighbors became a gruesome scene for a double fatal alligator attack. Binny Harlington and Krystal Snowe, both 19, were sunbathing on what they thought was a safe patch on the golf course when the gator made its move; ripping their nubile, hairless bodies apart in record time. Miami-Dade County Police have been talking to the only witness to this attack: Robert "Deuce, Flipper, Bear, Jazzy, Six-Pack, Weasel, Suds, Heckler, Goose" Brannigan, 21 of Everglades City.

"I was at the country club to help my best buddy Trent win back his girl, Christie and impress her parents", Brannigan described carefully in a tone not matching the levity of his tuxedo tee shirt. "At first we posed as waiters, but then Christie's ex-boyfriend Blaise recognized us, tore off our mustaches and told his dad who owns the club, so we ran away. We tried for Plan B which was to sneak back in dressed as an extremely tall person wearing a trench coat and then Trent would get Christie alone to tell her his feelings while I would distract the crowd by starting a dance craze." Brannigan paused to compose himself and went on, "What happened though... was boobies."

According to the witness and police, Brannigan was supposed to duck out from underneath the trench coat and set up his demo tape of synthesizer pop music on the PA system to start the dancing. Instead, he went into the men's restroom where he heard a conversation from the women's restroom between Snowe and Harlington about going sunbathing. "I peeped through a hole and saw boobies", Brannigan confirmed. Unable to help himself, Brannigan followed the girls and hid behind a bush while peering over the rim of his sunglasses "Jazzy style". The next thing he saw was the last moments of the victim's lives. "It was horrible. It wasn't as hot as you'd think."

Brannigan is working with police and the parents of the victims to find some kind of closure. "A vigil is being organized with candles, stuffed animals, poems and all of the girls' hottest friends", Brannigan brightened up slightly, clutching his Wayfarers. "I can't bring back the two girls, but what I can bring back, at least, is ONEHELLUVAPARTY!"

-J.