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Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

TWO FATALLY ATTACKED BY ALLIGATOR - COMIC RELIEF FROM 80's TEEN MOVIE IS SOLE WITNESS.


"I'm 21"


HAMMOCK BAY, FL -
Festivities at the Hammock Bay Golf & Country Club were cut short Saturday evening, as the playground to the area's most affluent neighbors became a gruesome scene for a double fatal alligator attack. Binny Harlington and Krystal Snowe, both 19, were sunbathing on what they thought was a safe patch on the golf course when the gator made its move; ripping their nubile, hairless bodies apart in record time. Miami-Dade County Police have been talking to the only witness to this attack: Robert "Deuce, Flipper, Bear, Jazzy, Six-Pack, Weasel, Suds, Heckler, Goose" Brannigan, 21 of Everglades City.

"I was at the country club to help my best buddy Trent win back his girl, Christie and impress her parents", Brannigan described carefully in a tone not matching the levity of his tuxedo tee shirt. "At first we posed as waiters, but then Christie's ex-boyfriend Blaise recognized us, tore off our mustaches and told his dad who owns the club, so we ran away. We tried for Plan B which was to sneak back in dressed as an extremely tall person wearing a trench coat and then Trent would get Christie alone to tell her his feelings while I would distract the crowd by starting a dance craze." Brannigan paused to compose himself and went on, "What happened though... was boobies."

According to the witness and police, Brannigan was supposed to duck out from underneath the trench coat and set up his demo tape of synthesizer pop music on the PA system to start the dancing. Instead, he went into the men's restroom where he heard a conversation from the women's restroom between Snowe and Harlington about going sunbathing. "I peeped through a hole and saw boobies", Brannigan confirmed. Unable to help himself, Brannigan followed the girls and hid behind a bush while peering over the rim of his sunglasses "Jazzy style". The next thing he saw was the last moments of the victim's lives. "It was horrible. It wasn't as hot as you'd think."

Brannigan is working with police and the parents of the victims to find some kind of closure. "A vigil is being organized with candles, stuffed animals, poems and all of the girls' hottest friends", Brannigan brightened up slightly, clutching his Wayfarers. "I can't bring back the two girls, but what I can bring back, at least, is ONEHELLUVAPARTY!"

-J.

5 Comments:

At 10:40 PM, Anonymous Heather said...

Ok "in a tone not matching the brevity of his tuxedo tee shirt" made me snort out loud. Reading this was like watching "Jaws" for the first time. Now I'm going to be nervous every time I go nude golf course sunbathing. Thanks a lot.

 
At 1:54 AM, Blogger Rakesh Verma said...

PA systems are often used in small venues such as school auditoriums, churches, and small bars. PA systems with a larger number of speakers are widely used in institutional and commercial buildings, to read announcements or declare states of emergency. The simplest PA systems consist of a microphone, a modestly-powered mixer amplifier and one or more loudspeakers.There are four Types of PA System: Small Systems, Telephone paging system,PA over IP,Long line PA.

 
At 2:21 AM, Blogger Jordi or Biz said...

Let's hear it for PA systems.
J.

 
At 2:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks a lot for your advice guys, it helped me a lot, I went to www.saveabreakup.com and followed their step by step instructions and it worked perfectly, now me and my girlfriend are back together.

 
At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Jordi said...

Admit it, Anonymous. This is your way of saying: "Hello, I am a book agent. Please write a book because you are insanely talented."

J.

 

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