Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

It's Thursday - LET ME WRITE YOU A PLAY!

(By J. Barnes)

(Randy Newman is hard at work at his baby grand with a pencil in his mouth. Sheet music litters his workspace. Enter Daughter Jordi Newman - a surgeon).

RANDY NEWMAN: Hi my little corn pop!


RANDY NEWMAN: Want to hear what I've been working on?


RANDY NEWMAN: It's about potatoes and shoes who are friends!


RANDY NEWMAN: Hit it, me!

(Randy Newman begins a "playful" piano rag the equivalent of an ice-cream headache and sings):

"You're a shoe and I'm a potato.
Together we are friends.
We go down the road / Where you go, I go.
Because we're such good friends".

JORDI NEWMAN: (interrupting) Dad!


JORDI NEWMAN: Just quit it! No one likes you!


JORDI NEWMAN: I have surgery to do. (she leaves).


(Randy Newman gets back to work, accepting his fate as being the man who writes songs about best friends, yet has none himself. Other than men who look exactly like him - and Jimmy Buffet).




At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Susan said...

Uh huh:

... and only a couple of hundred other witty, well-written songs. Listen up! You might even learn something.


At 1:22 PM, Blogger Biz and/or Jordi said...

I'm sorry to have offended you, Susan and thanks for the links. I've heard all of these songs.

I'm in love with all kinds of music. I have approximately 800 albums. They are heavy and a bitch to move. People try to be nice when they help me move, but I know those albums (boxed up) are a pain. Especially when there are stairs involved. They're also my babies and I'll never give them up for anything in the world.

Susan, here's the thing about me - I generally give everything a chance when it comes to the tunes; if you truly love music, that's what you do. There are some bands out there that I absolutely love and didn't care for before. Some of these bands changed my life and I'll never be sorry enough that I wasn't listening to them years ago. And with every new listen - I do learn something, and I've been head over heels in love with music since birth.

I know there are more of these experiences to come. One of the most exciting feelings in the world is litening to "new" (to you)music that feels like a discovery and the hair stands up on the back of your neck.

I hope you know that I'm answering you earnestly and trying to respect you. Randy Newman has had about thirty years to give me a reason to care about him, but he's not my cup of tea and I really do think that he's mediocre at best. But that's just my opinion.

Please don't take something on a blog so seriously. Unclench and have fun, Sweetheart.

You might learn somehing.


PS - I'll probably be making fun of him again and others. It's what I do.

At 2:09 PM, Anonymous Your Mom said...

You're being too nice Jordi. Susan said "Uh huh" to you like some Springer reject. The pure plain fact of the matter is that Randy Newman SUCKS...HARD. Always has, always will. He writes retarded little songs about Loving LA and short people and he thinks he's waaaay too funny. Which he's not. He's awful and if you like him, you're awful with awful awful taste in music and you should be stopped. Your interest in horrible music and the disposable income you spend on it only further the cause and production of more terrible music. Randy Newman discovered the secret of making lots and lots of money from making formulaic pap for the idiot masses by wallowing around in the crappy juices of crappy music producing one lame easy song after another.

Here, Susan, try one of these...

At 3:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't feel like slamming this woman - I'm in this unusually sincere mood where I want to buy the world a coke under my tree of hugs.

She's got it rough already - she likes Randy Newman.

Randy Newman is causing hurt! And that's funny.

He's also made of turtles.


At 1:01 AM, Anonymous Susan said...

Oh, don't worry, I was not offended. This "play" just wasn't funny and made no sense-- it sounded as if your total knowledge of his music came from "Family Guy." Newman is lauded by critics and beloved of songwriters-- no doubt including some of your favorites. Bob Dylan said "Sail Away" is "as good as it gets." Elvis Costello calls Newman a "genius." There's a reason for this, and perhaps one day you'll actually understand it.

And btw, I take nothing written in blogs seriously!


At 11:27 AM, Anonymous Your Mom said...

Waaaaait a minute....are YOU Randy Newman?

Listen up, Randy. It's not like you write in some sort of veil of riddlement. We get that "Short People" isn't ACTUALLY about Short People. You'd have to be a retard to miss that one. But tell me, what backhanded secret message are you sneaking in to "I Love LA"? or "You've Got A Friend In Me"? Oh wait, is that one about multiple personality disorder? Cuz if it is, I'm sorry to both of you, "Susan".

Your metaphors are flimsy, your lyrics are simple, and your melodies are like the complicated musical roller coasters you'd find on, let's say, Sesame Street.

You, "Susan"/Randy, seem to think that you're above others in your worship of Randy/Yourself, while actually you splash around in a puddle of mediocrity and compromised integrity.

You/Randy may have been an ambitious songwriter at some point, but you sold out long long ago, like your buddy, Jay Leno. And now you blow.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my friends, Potato and Shoe feel like singing some incredibly complicated lyrics to the sounds of my Fisher Price wood block piano. Susan, Randy, and whomever else your mother locked away inside your artistically boring brain, feel free to sing along...

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
If you've got troubles, I've got 'em too
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
We stick together and can see it through
Cause you've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
But none of them will ever love you
The way I do, it's me and you

Boy, and as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You're gonna see it's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Jordi said...

I'll actually understand it?

There are plenty of musicians who are geniuses, but I just don't have a TASTE for them.

I despise Phil Collins on his own, but with Genesis he's incredible.

I feel the same way about Peter Gabriel. Don't care for his solo stuff (oh no, don't hate me because I don't cry rivers at "In Your Eyes" and didn't own "So"), but again - Genesis? One of the best bands ever. EVER.

Together good, alone bad.

And by the way? My tiny play is hilarious. I work with a sketch group that has been hailed as one of the best in the country right now, and I'm one of the main writers. I have confidence in my work because a good writer can write "funny think-piece", "funny strange", "funny observation piece", "funny smart" and sometimes the hardest one of all: "funny stupid".

Do you know how hard it is to write good funny stupid? It's fucking hard. You just have to be stupid enough. You choose words wisely and economize. You get in and get out on the page knowing that only a handful of people will find this funny - but those are the people you're writing for.

And the other people will say: "That's not funny" and that's okay. If it's not your bag, it's not your bag. And it's no skin off my nose.

And I happen to rule at funny stupid.

Let's put down our light sabers and move on, alright? I'm not good at mean. I don't like it - it makes me uncomfortable and I don't like fighting.

Especially over Randy Newman.

Have a milkshake,

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Biz and/or Jordi said...

oops...Susan is really not going to like my play.

Jordi, your play is brilliant!

You are the best stupid funny writer that i know.

Don't let Susan make you end your writing career...I mean it. Stop Jordi! DON'T JUMP Jordi's Comedy Writing Career! Its just Randy Newman! Susan didn't know!

Great...Now Jordi's Comedy Writing Career is dead. All thanks to Susan. I hope that you and Randy Newman are happy Susan.

Jordi's Comedy Writing Career, sleep now...this world wasn't made for one as beautiful as you.

Oh, and Ted, how hot is your wife with all her music talk?


At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know who isn't worth anybody's time... Randy Newman.
Randy Newman isn't even worth Randy Newman's time, he prefers Susan.

I mean, hell, who doesn't.

Sure Susan might like to "get out there and shake things up on the blogs" a bit,
but at least she doesn't ruin any movies with magic-evaporating, ragtime-pop slathered
with lyrics that make a Curious George book look like a three volume Victorian non-fiction set by Ruskin.



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