Ellis & Barnes: Serious Mothers!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Séance Reveals Dead Woman’s Plans to Sue Adult Contemporary ‘Pop’ Singer

-Huntington Beach, Ca.

To many adults in their mid 30’s to late 40’s, the Corrine Bailey Rae surprise ‘hit’ Girl Put Your Records On is a delightful hook you listen to while riding your bike in the summer, or hum while petting your cat in a sun-spot on a knitting break, but for Alice Bjornsen Girl Put Your Records On is an aural nightmare which may have been the actual cause of Ms. Bjornsen’s death, and not suicide as widely believed by friends and family.

Alice Bjornsen (39) died March 16th, 2007 of what the coroner’s report described as an overdose of the prescription drug oxycondin, but a séance with Ms. Bjornsen revealed more: “Girl Put Your Records On by Corrine Bailey Rae is what killed me. I had no intention to take my own life. It was a combination of many factors…..and I think I’m going to sue Corrine Bailey Rae.”

Ms. Bjornsen had been recovering from having her last two wisdom teeth pulled when she decided to up her dose by a few pills. “I figured if I took the days off of work and I have this prescription, I might as well just take a few more and watch Season Two of Lost again even though I know what happens. I was in the mood for some of the flashbacks”. Ms. Bjornsen went on: “I got all cozy and started flipping channels when I passed Vh1 and saw the video for Girl Put Your Records On. I had been hearing this song everywhere…everywhere! I was so, so sick of this song, and I would make fun of it all the time because it really and truly is the most annoying song since Money for Nothing by Dire Straits. Or even Walking in Memphis! I decided to go online and find out all I could about Corrine Bailey Rae because sometimes when someone really annoys you that much, you want to just read all about them. You know….to find out why they’re so stupid. Anyway….I sat at the computer and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was kind of dizzy and didn’t know if I had taken my meds, so I took three more and I guess that was a bad idea. But I’ll have my day in court. I’m just sorry that my last act in life was looking up information on Corrine Bailey Rae. Now who’s the stupid one?”

Wes and Marley Bjornsen (Alice’s brother and sister in-law) were present for the séance but are doubtful about the chances of a lawsuit. “We are devastated, but I don’t think Alice’s chances are that great” said Wes, “I want to be on her side, I miss her more than anything in the world but I don’t think that suing Corrine Bailey Rae is realistic. For one thing Corrine Bailey Rae is a star and stars are really hard to sue”. Added Marley Bjornsen “Alice just didn’t get the song. I love that song! When I go to Starbucks and they play it, it so makes my morning better. I so want Jack Johnson and Corrine Bailey Rae to maybe like, do a Starbucks tour together. And Norah Jones! That would totally rock! Can you imagine? The three of them? That would be so great!”

Through Alice Bjornsen has found a law student open to the idea of representing her, she knows what they’re up against but remains optimistic considering the circumstances. “I know I was confused and it probably was my fault, but seriously – people need to stop playing that record. It’s point-blank horrible and distracting. If I had just started watching Lost without checking out music videos first, then I would be back at work and feeling fine…and probably switching radio stations whenever they’d play Girl Put Your Records On, just like normal. At the very least...I’d be alive.”


At 6:01 PM, Anonymous David Ray said...

The same thing happened to my uncle, only it was The Fray's "How To Save A Life", and the song didn't make him kill himself, it made him break into a radio station with an oscillating dildo.


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