Meet Vickki Sarsgaardenhaall - The Arcade Fire's Newest Flame!

"Are you nuts? I'm flipping flipping-out over here!"

MONTREAL, Quebec - The search is over for the latest talented member of the ever-growing indie band The Arcade Fire. Vickki Sarsgaardenhaall, 26 of Chicago, filled the position "Pretty much as soon as we saw her when we were in Chicago", confirmed lead vocalist and pre-school hairstyle enthusiast Win Butler. His wife and band mate, Regine Chassagne quickly interjected through an unnecessary megaphone, "YAH, PRETTY MUCH! LOOKIT ME!"

"No need for any more wooden spoon sounds."

The search was prompted when the band decided to let go of a few members or as Butler put it: "Clean house." The first to go was Yvette Ormond; a native of Montreal and the group's lead wooden spoons on a baking dish player. "They said they were going in a different direction, and they said that direction would not be needing the sounds of wooden spoons on a baking dish anymore." The second cut happened to the band's hurdy gurdy man, Paul Finsterful. "They loved my playing. Honestly, I play beautifully. No problems there. The problems were with how I was dressing, apparently. I guess I should have said upfront that I don't feel like dressing like an 1800's Haunted Mansion orphan every damn day of the week." A third member of the band was sadly killed in an accident of unknown origin. The family of the deceased wishes to remain anonymous, but claims that the member was "fired for dying."

"Band member was fired for dying."

Uncomfortable with having "instrumentally speaking, gaping spaces" within their music, band mates were left with no choice but to play 'boring' instruments such as keyboards, drums and guitars. The band voted to fill the void with one "all rounder" - that's when Butler spotted Vickki at a Chicago area mall. Said Butler: "We were sick of getting inspired by the genius of ourselves. How many times can I watch our footage of when we played with David Bowie singing our songs? How many times can I weep watching the trailer of Where The Wild Things Are because it touches my child heart so? I mean, where else can we go? It's like our brains are all wired like the great glass elevator from 'Charlie and The Chocolate Factory' - and I can't stress this enough - the book. We all have this glass elevator as our brains and we all have to eventually press the button marked 'Up And Out'. We need to see what our next thing is. The next thing led us to a mall and led us to Vickki at the Cafe Ole Instant Replay Chalet Coffee Hut & Sports Bar." Added Chassagne, "YAH!"

In Vickki, Butler found someone who represents the fan-type not typical of the band. "She represents the unexpected; like someone actually ordering the flan for dessert or a black person listening to Lionel Richie." Sarsgaardenhaall recalls her reaction when she found out that she was the one they wanted. "At first, I was all 'What's Arcade Fire?' Then they told me who they were and then I was 'Shut up!' Before I knew it I was freakin' flipping out all over the place because they had a bus. Are you nuts? Their own freaking bus? That's the coolest! I wanna drive it! I wanna drive the bus!"

Since she was recruited, Sarsgaarenhaall, now living in Montreal, has been busy rehearsing her new instruments which include knee cymbals, shaking rice inside an empty Mr. Pibb can, waving a stick in the air and playing the toes. "They told me to just look like I'm having a better time than the audience and to play what's ever in my hands or feet or attached to my knees super hard. If I'm waving the stick, I have to flipping wave that stick like it's my grandma's Shake & Bake. She makes the sickest Shake & Bake. You would go nuts, it's so good."

The band hopes to have Sarsgaardenhaall up to speed by the time they embark on their North American tour kicking off in March of 2011. "I'm sure by then, Vickki will have become a fully-fledged member", Butler said gazing at Vickki. "She's very enthusiastic which is sweet. It's kind of a throwback to a time when innocence ruled. She displays her raw intense joy and determination like a goat trying to get at a tin can through a fence. This is exactly what we were lacking and this is exactly what we needed." Added Vickki seriously, "What you guys really need is me driving that flipping wicked bus."

-J.