Gary Colman is BREAKING MY HEART!
So this past week I was totally sick with yet another undefinable illness that all my doctors say "We just can't find anything wrong. Maybe its stress."
Stress. Go screw yourself. Stress is not the answer to all mysterious illnesses. Everybody just take a pill or use a patch and you'll be fine.
Anyway, not the point of this blog. The point of this blog entry to to talk about an ad that I saw no less than 25 times over the course of 5 days of being laid up on the couch.
Here it is.
OK, we have a few things to talk about here.
1. Gary Coleman can't get his relatives to loan him any money. Awwww, Gary, that is so sad. Why won't they? Did you borrow a couple hundred bucks and then never pay them back or do they flat out not trust you and have never loaned you money? Do they even invite you over for Sunday lunch or an afternoon BBQ or are they scared you will run off with the mustard and family pickle fork?
2. There is something about Gary Coleman shouting "I love you cashcall" with his arms open wide as if ready to embrace the love that only an unreputable lender can give you. Gary, money can't hug. Only people can hug. Do you need a hug Gary? You probably aren't getting any hugs from your relatives either. No money. No hugs.
3. Please watch again and pause when the fine print comes up. Here, I'll help you with what it says..."The APR for a typical loan of $2,600 is 99.25% with 42 payments of $216.55."
We gotta break that down PPPAers.
- typical loan is $2,600. This is a pretty specific number. $2,600. Not $500 or $5000. $2,600. What do you need right away that is $2,600? I have been dirt ass poor. $500 might as well be $2600 might as well be $10,000 when you have no money. Why that specific amount?
- "99.25 % with 42 payments of $216.55. HOLY FUCK! HOOOOO-LLLYYYYY FUCK ME! 99.25%. That is not legal is it? Is it? I am a sketch comic who is also an executive assistant so, you know, I don't know if that's leagal. Is it? 42 payments of $215.55. So you call CashCall cause relative-hated Gary Coleman tells you it's easy, and you ask for the "typical" loan of $2,600...you will wind up owing them $9095.51....on $2,600. HOLY FUCK ME CRAZY NUTS BALLS HULA HOOP!
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CALL CASHCALL. That is a mistake. If you don't have $2,600 you probably don't have the $216 you need to make monthly payments on the loan. If you did, you would have your $2600 in one year. You are not being helped. It would be smarter for you to go to someone in the mob, get a loan of $10,000, not pay it back and have your legs broken, rather than use Cashcall. Legs will heal and nesides, you have $10,000 to pay for medical bills.
Gary Coleman...why are you doing this?
Ok, now watch this...
GARY COLEMAN SHOULDN'T DRIVE!!! WHAT IS GOING ON!