She wouldn't stop putting her records on, I guess.

A while back I wrote this for a comedy joke.

I warned you: that song kills people.

J.

Bridesmaids Gifts

GAH!

What a disgusting, pink, preppy, polka dotted, monogramed nightmare!

So as you know...I am getting hitched to the delightful Stefan Lawrence. I would describe our upcoming wedding as a little bit traditional and a "lotta bit" non-traditional.

In the traditional vein, I thought I'd like to get my bridesmaids a little gift...so I started searching for "bridesmaids gifts" on google and what came back was a huge selection of crap. Its like all of these gifts are second hand thoughts...."wedding, wedding, wedding...what do i get bridesmaids? I'll just get em some crap and monogram it."

I have serious sorority life flashbacks looking at all this stuff. You know...monogramed key chains and monogramed totes that are trimmed in pink and green. Here are some of the most popular bridesmaids gifts:

Flip flops.

What in the holy hell about flip flops says "thank you for being part of the most special day in my life?" Also, why would you monogram a flip flop?

Next up...monogramed ponytail holders.

If I ever wear one of these...shoot me. Shoot me in the face.

"Jordi! Thank you so much for coming to my wedding and being a bridesmaid. It means so much to have you in my life. I love you. Here is a plastic tray with your name on it."

I do not understand giving towels to someone as a thank you gift. Towels? This is really wierd. Right?

What...are you talking with your mom, and you are like "Mom, I want to get them something special, but personalized flip flops just aren't enough. What should I do?"

Mom says, "Well daughter, its your specialest of special days. I think towels are the answer. Towels really say you care."

Now we move on to the really classy items. Flasks. What are you...20 and drunk all the time? Sure, at 20, I might have thought this was cool...but it really holds no sentimental value what so ever. Here is a gift to support secret drinking. shhhhhhh...I hope you use it during my wedding.

Really? Flasks? Sorry, I have to come back...they are leather bound in cute colors to make it more feminine. It makes me think of college frat party night. Go PI PHI!

Ok...I don't have enough time to go into all the ways that mongramed panties as bridemaids gifts makes me uncomfortable. The word "panties" alone, makes my skin crawl...but as a gift? Why stop at your bridal party? Why not a set for the mother of the bride or the soon to be mother in law.

K-lassy...with a capital K.