Dear random pediatrician...

...we met with at our baby's 15 month check up.

(warning! Unable to control language post)

Go fuck yourself.

There, I said it. It has been 5 days and I am still mad. We took Katy Belle in for her 15 month check up and  we got one of the other pediatricians in the practice rather than our regular guy. We like our regular guy and we trust him. Plus he has a sense of humor and shares our view of not freaking out over everything parenting style.

BUT, we don't get him. He is out. We get her. We go through all the standard questions about how Katy Belle is doing and developing. She is doing great. She is really a perfect kid.

One day I think I am going to wake up and find Stefan being drug to hell by the devil saying "Sorry, but I made a deal with the devil for a perfect baby and my time is up. Don't forget to return the netflix and I love you!"

So she asks "What about talking? Is she talking yet?"

Us: No. Not yet. She babbles some but nothing concrete yet. We are speaking 2 languages to her so we are expecting her to talk later.

Her: No Mama? No Dada?

Us: Nope. Well, she says Mama but not to me.

Her: No Dada?

Me: We don't say Dada. We say Papa.

Her: Does she say Papa?

Me: (to myself, no you idiot I said she wasn't speaking) Nope.

Her: You should consider speech therapy. She should be speaking by now.

Stefan: We aren't worried.

Me: Yeah, she can understand 2 languages. I can ask her to go into her room and get her shoes in english or swedish and she can do it. We aren't worried.

Her: You should be. If by 16 months there still aren't any words you have a problem. I'd take the number with you today.

Stefan: Really? Cause I didn't speak until I was 2...

Me: yeah....and he isn't....(pause)

Stefan: Retarded.

(we just can't believe she is saying this. I have never read anything about being worried about speech at 15 months. Stefan is getting pissed and I am too, but I go down the route of...)

Me: ok, we'll take the number and keep an eye on it.

The Dr. just keeps going on about it.

We leave, without the number, and here we are 5 days later and I am still so angry.

First...all the experts agree that the earliest you should worry about speech is 18 months.

Second...we are raising her bilingual. Everyone agrees that children raised with 2 languages speak much later.

Third...none of the other 15 month olds we are playing with speak.

Fourth...we speak to her all the time. The only thing possibly holding her back is we speak so much she doesn't think she can get a word in inch wise.

Fifth and finally...to hell with you lady. The last place I am supposed to go and be freaked out about my baby is my doctor office. We are good parents who respect and pay attention to our baby. We respond correctly when there is a problem and let her sort out the things she needs to sort out even if we would rather rush in and fix it for her. She has never had a problem with "new phases." She sorted out sleeping, naps, sippy cups, walking and more on  her own and at her own pace with us right beside her.

When she is ready to talk she is going to hopefully be just like her Mama and Papa and never shut up.

While I try to control my language around her...I kinda hope that her first words are "suck it." If they are, I am going to have her leave that doctor a message.

xoxo, Biz

Who Wants to Watch Stefan Fry?

Apparently EVERY CHILD IN PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN.
Happy Halloween everyone. I know you have been waiting for it. Containing your excitement...just dying to see what the Epic family did to ruin the sweet dreams of children on Halloween.

How about I make you wait a little longer? TRICK!

Its been 5 years of celebrating Halloween with the man I love..the sort of experience that makes one say "he is the only man who understands me." So let's recap shall we? (Just click on each year)

Year one - the year we came up with the idea to mess with people 10 minutes before we actually did it.

Year two: Madame Bizella raises her zombie slave to give you candy!

Year Three: Doctor Hurtsinside needs your help to get all this candy out of our patient...STAT!

Personally this was my favorite year. Just enough gore but also just enough rediculousness.

Year Four: My brother was naughty and wouldn't share his candy. I had to punish him. Do you want to have his candy with me?

Man, good times.

So...what do we have in store for this year? Year Five? I guess there is only one question to ask...

Guess who scared the crap out of kids again this year?

These guys!

 

Ok, that is the least scary photo of a shotgun in the face of a man in an electric chair I have ever seen.

Pardon me Biz, but did you say electric chair?

Why yes I did. Thanks to the wood working skills of Halloween lover Dan Gordon, we built ourselves a little "Smokey" to call our own.

So the concept was this...as trick or treaters approached, I, the warden, would say (in an over the top Fog Horn Leg Horn accent) "Are you here to bear witness to the execution of Lawless Lawrence, who is being put to death for the crime of stealing Halloween candy?"

Children: YES!

Warden: Lawless, do you have any last words before your are put to death?

Lawless: Yes! You'll never get my candy! You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands, if you want it!"

Warden: That's the idea! Ha ha ha! Now who is going to help me execute this monster!?

Kids: ME!!!!

So I'd pick a kid to come up and push the button at which point somke would come out from under the chair, strobe light went off and electric chair sound effect would go off.

Stefan is fried.

Warden: Now, come and take the candy that is rightfully yours!

Kids come up to take candy and get goosed by Stefan.

Ta daaaaa. Genius.

Except the first few times we had Stefan in a hood that was tooooo scary for some.

 Of course, not too scary for this kid.

Also, not too scary for the freaking cutest monkey in the world!!! Holy crap that is one cute monkey!

Our monkey, I mean baby was inside playing with our pal Kathy and apparently thought nothing of the screams coming from the front of the apartment. Good baby.

So these kids pushed the button like 8 times...taking turns. Good to see that despite NY state law, corporal punishment is alive and well in the hearts of children.

So we took the hood off.

(hello handsome)

About 30 minutes into this we realized our baby sitter wasn't showing up. (TRICK indeed!) She got trapped in Manhattan Parade over crowding. So luckily Chris Principe of Elephant Larry fame was lurking about and stepped in so I could but Katy Belle to bed.  Thank you Chris!

Then she was asleep and I was back in action.

So who wants to see this in action?

Halloween from Epic Family on Vimeo.

 

How about this action?

Untitled from Epic Family on Vimeo.

Sadly, a number of our videos have been taken in the wrong direction. I'll try to find time to flip them around but I think these capture the spirit nicely.

Till next year...when we better get to do my long awaited idea of CLOWNS.

xoxo, Biz and Stefan

PS. anyone want to buy an electric chair?