An apology to the Goblin Shark

(ahem)

(Ring, Ring. Ring Ring)

Goblin Shark's Answering Maching:
Hello? (long pause) HA HA HA. I got you, I'm not here and you thought I was. You fell for it! Man you're and idiot! Leave a message after the beep.

Beep

Hello Goblin Shark? It's me, Biz. Funny out going message. You really got me. Um, so I am calling to uhhh, apologize about what I said about you being a living nightmare and everything. It was out of line. But you at least have to admit that you are a total drunk.

Call me.

click

!

Finally...Vegas Part III: All the World Loves a Buffet

Guess who went to the Flamingo Buffet in Vegas?

BRYAN SHUKOFF! And All those people behind him.

Awww....Stefan, what wrong? Why so sad?

It's the buffet at the Flamingo...which equals joy....what? What is happening?

Don't cry Becky! Its morning and you're eating roast beef! You should be elated!

That's the spirit!

Oh no! Livia!

Not you too! There is only one thing to do....DRINK THAT MEMOSA!

YEAH!

Now you try Stefan. That's right. Choke it down.

What if I shoved this whole Cherry Pie in my mouth? Would that make you happy?

Oh my god, it won't all fit! ! think I am going to be sick.

Lets see what else is happening at the buffet?

Ummmmm, Ted's expression syas it all...DEEE-licious!

Jordi...no one makes food look as good as you do! Desserts and breakfas tfoods at the same time on the same table! This is so sinful! Thanks god that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. (except for this blog)

Hey everybody! What day is it?

SUNDAE!

Look out! Here comes the sundae school teacher!

Today's lessons? Jimmies or sprinkles? Whatever you call them, they are like mini miracles!

It looks like John got TOO much religion, i mean ice cream! That's smart Terri! Play it safe with Memosas!

(hmmmm, what sort of cliche thing can I say here?)

Hey J! Open up and say AAAAAAIIIIIICE CREAM!

DUSTY! This isn't a test! No one is trying to cheat off of your sundae!

woop whoop woop! Ding Ding Ding! Congrats Britt on your membership into the CELAN PLATE CLUB!

Oh no! My PURRR-fect Cat charm bracelt got dunked in my whipped cream!

I guess there is only one way to get it off!

"SHUT UP BIZ! you are disgusting!" says Livia! "No one cares about your Purrfectly gross charm bracelet! The people want to know about how I can bring life to my sandae creation! It will live and it will soon rule the planet!"

BEHOLD!

Yes, vomiting a little is expected, but know that you are vomiting at its beauty and wonder!

Hey Goblin Shark...

Go fuck yourself.

Just kidding. Only kidding. I was just on a roll, and thought this would be...well, forget it.

Anyway....LOOK AT THIS!

Jesus Christ. This thing looks like a nightmare.

I mean, this seems put together wrong, right? Stefan showed me this and then had to sedate me so I could sleep.

GAH! LOOK AT IT! Jordi, look at it. Its awful. Its mouth alone is enough to make adorable kittens want to scratch there own eyes out. Really...AHHHHHHH! I am screaming right now. The more I look at it the more my heart fills with terror.

Good luck sleeping tonight PPPA's.

This may come as no surprise to many of you, but this is the same feeling I get when I see BK Manthem commercial.

xoxo, Biz

Hey OJ, you know what to do...

Go fuck yourself.

Look at this.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12754888/?GT1=8199

sigh

It isn't going to get better is it? I mean, we really are becoming horrible people.

sigh

Burger King

Dear Burger King,

In reference to your new "Manthem" commercial...Go fuck yourself.

I will not be eating your burgers.

Why not take a song like "We Shall Overcome" and change it to "We Shall Over Indulge" and instead of marching to DC to make a stand for Civil Rights...ummmm..how about you are all marching to Burger King to get a burger?

No? But mocking the women's movement is fine? TReating it as if it was a joke is cool?

Good for you Burger King.

Go fuck yourselves.

xoxo, Biz

Your search - cartoon seal wearing a sailor hat and clapping - did not match any documents.

One of my best friends in the world Andrew sent me this:
http://www.ussubs.com/submarines/phoenix_1000.php3

It's a link to a site that sells LUXURY SUBMARINES.
The text reads as if Mr. Howell and The Professor took turns writing it.

Mr. Howell - The man who HATES YACHTS: ("Clearly, the Phoenix provides its owner with substantially more capability than a simple yacht...")

The Professor - Man of Science: ("At 65-meters (213 feet) in overall length, and with a beam in excess of 8 meters (26 feet), the Phoenix is a vehicle of formidable size. Yet despite its 1500-ton displacement...")

Jordi and Andrew - Soon to be CO-CAPTAINS: ("We need to get this. Let's kill our grandmas".)

So, I'm thinking of re-naming the LUXURY SUBMARINE and am seriously considering
"Seal of Approval!" complete with a picture of a cartoon seal wearing a sailor's hat and clapping. Very fancy. I go to look up a picture and wouldn't you know? Nothing matches this description. After changing the search to: "cartoon seal", what pops up? A cartoon seal clapping. And the name of the picture? "Seal of Approval!" Where was it? On a site called "Wordplay and Cartoon Punnery".

Someone has obviously thought of this way before me. Great.
Ruined weekend.
-J.

TRUE & JUST HAPPENED:

(Conversation today with me and a pregnant lady. This just happened. I feel only a little bit bad):

ME: Oh, when are you due?

PREGNANT LADY: July 10th

ME: Oh! A little Cancer baby! That’s great!

PREGNANT LADY: (looks a little taken a-back)

ME: Oh no! I meant the astrological sign!

PREGNANT LADY: Oh. Sure! (smiles but still looks a little uneasy as if to say :’I hope my baby doesn’t have cancer’)

ME: (making it aaaaaaall better) I’m sure your baby won’t have cancer!

PREGNANT LADY: Okay, bye!

Then I nearly said: “Okay then….have a good baby!” but thought better of it.
-J.

"SCARIEST" Part Two...

2. RAY LIOTTA as 'HENRY HILL'
I saw 'Goodfellas' in the theatre seven times mostly due to this scene.
<---------- It's the first time we see Henry all grown up and ready to do some heisting, killing, rhymin' & stealin'. This is the shot that seriously made me forget how to breathe for a few seconds. Thinking about this shot makes me walk into walls. This is my equivalent to the Farrah red swimsuit poster. The way he says "Karen" as in: "What did you do Karen?" Delicate, menacing and deliberate. (My husband does an excellent Liotta by the way).

We like to play 'Goodfellas'. The best is at 'Safeway' when Ted will say "What did you do Karen?" and I'll say "What was I supposed to do Henry? They were all over the house!" Then we fall onto a heap in the cereal aisle, freaking out and sobbing....before falling asleep (a gun inTed's hand.) No we don't.

Boy. That 'Operation Dumbo Drop' was a real mood killer. No slow pans up Liotta's body to reveal those ice-blue eyes. Not even. Oh well....there's always the next time I watch 'Goodfellas' (which I've now saved for every birthday).

Crusty (no). Scary (YES!)

And now..."THE TOP FIVE SCARIEST AND/OR CRUSTIEST MEN I LIKE VERY MUCH"

(But really only as these people...)
By J. Barnes
(in a Five Part 'Because I Can't Seem To Post These Pictures Properly' Series)

Yes sir! I'd like to smell these men! Let's go!

1. JAMES GANDOLFINI AS 'TONY SOPRANO'
There's just something about this man. And that something is that he's very scary. Sure, at times he can look a little drunk uncle-y, farmer-y or DMV employee-y...but not in this picture! Hell no. In this picture he's saying: "You better get me those fifty G's....or I'm gonna look at you like this and you WILL want me to nail you against that wall ovuh-dehh!" (And then kill you).

As Carmela would say: "Jesus, Tony..."

He is 'Scary' and not 'Crusty'.

"AWESOME" Are Amazing

New link!
Here is one of the most exciting theatrical experiences ever to be had: http://www.awesometheband.com/

Seattle or elsewhere.

I know that many of you who ride the Pony already know of "Awesome" - but for those who haven't had the pleasure - get your ears on "Delaware" (the soundtrack of their debut stage show). It's gorgeous.

This past weekend, we caught their latest ("noSignal"). Our minds were blown.
Bees, gorgeous melodies and a show that quite simply rocked, and defies any kind of description I can muster.

Go to the site. Go!
Dismissed.
-J.