The Best Parts of the 'November Rain' Video

Hey, remember that one? I sure do!

1 min:35 - Here comes the bride Stephanie Seymour wearing the dress I once thought was the coolest wedding dress in the world (FUN FACT: I was actually going to have this dress made and play 'November Rain' as my aisle walk song to suprise my husband Ted on our wedding day. Then I didn't. I probably should've, but I loved the theme from 'Gidget' just that much more...)

2:24 - The whole gang is at the deceptively tiniest bar anywhere to be found: The Rainbow Room! The mood is light, a girl tries on Slash's hat, everyone laughs, people are jovial and smoking. You feel like if you ran into them tomorrow they'd say: "Awww, we missed you at The Rainbow Room! You really should've gone! A girl tried on Slash's hat, everyone laughed, people were jovial and smoking....we really missed you!"

3:06 - The wedding of Axl and Stephanie; Slash checks his pockets for the rings. "Oh NO!" his hand-acting says, "They're gone!" Luckily Duff saves the day: "I have them here, silly! They're on my pinkie, see?" Duff's hand-acting is spectacular.

3:58 - "Later Christian Slater, all you chumps who believe in weddings. I'm off to rock out in a dirtstorm, woo!" And so Slash steps out of the tiny church from the outside / giant church on the inside and does exactly that.

6:00 - The Reception. Everyone looks like Edward James Olmos. Don't ask me why.

6:15 - Axl and Stephanie, excuse me....Mr. and Mrs. Batshit Crazy cut the cake and Slash re-joins the party.

6:43 - It starts November Rain-ing. Hard!

6:45 - People are unneccessarily diving on to tables as if they are being shot repeatedly.

6:59 - Some ding-dong dives into the four-tiered cake! UNCALLED FOR. Stupid, stupid move. Sheer stupidity. Just dumb. Boy, oh boy... Stupid.

7:07 - Stephanie Seymour is....dead? What? And half of her face is a mirror and the other half is her face? How did they do that? Oh no. Pretty people shouldn't die. That's the lesson.

8:09 - I think that's Cake Asshole, invited back to the funeral to dive into the casket. Or into more cake.

J.

Project Breakout

Hello PPPAs!

How are you?

Me? I am good, thank you so much for asking. Aren't you sweet. No, you are. Really. You are. You! You! I know I am but you are too. You are. You. You. You. Shut up.

I want to tell you about a little thing called Project Break Out!

Project Breakout is looking for the next “breakout” comedy star and will leave no barstool unturned in their pursuit to find him, her or them. Their online video competition, which starts on March 12th, involves three rounds over two months and is open to anyone who thinks that they’re funny and can prove it! The winner will be picked through a combination of voting by the online audience and an expert panel of judges. Best of all, the winner earns a featured role in the upcoming SketchFest NYC (http://www.sketchfestnyc.com/) as well as an all-expenses paid trip to sunny South Florida to produce a webisode with the judges.

What the hell is Project Breakout, anyway? Good question. Imagine Project Breakout as the love child emerging from an illicit union between a video-sharing site like YouTubeTM and a major talent competition like American Idol®. Project Breakout (http://www.projectbreakout.com/) is the premiere network for online video competitions and features channels in comedy, short film, viral videos, screenwriting, dance, animation and more.

While the above sounds pretty scripted...and it is...I do think this is a pretty awesome deal, becuase unlike other contests like this, you have to prove that you are consistantly funny, meaning each round of competition requires you to make a new video, which I like bcause usually you get somebody who made a funny film once and gets heralded as the greatest comic on earth, but isn't and doesn't work as hard as the rest of us slobs who actually are funny and want to succeed. Also, they really want to help the winner get to the next level.

So, anywho, take alook...fawn all over a certain JUDGE (wink) and submit if you want to.

Rock and roll,

Biz

Tom Brokaw's Diary: Entry entry 9 - 12

Dear Diary, I got my period today! I am finally a woman. HA HA HA. I am just kidding Diary. I bet I had you going there for a second. I do sometimes wish that I could be a woman. Know the power to create life. I would feel like God. I guess I am like a woman in some ways. I gave birth to the news each night for years. I’d like to see a woman do that. God, if Katie Couric ever heard me say that she’d kick my ass, and I can’t live through that again.

Dear Diary, if I was a milkshake, I would be strawberry and I have a feeling I would bring all the boys to the yard, as I would be delicious and boys like milkshakes on a hot summer day. I am ready for summer Diary. This cold weather is making me nuts! I feel like I have had a cold for three months now. I blame the weather. One minutes its hot, the next its cold then warm, then cold…damn me and my addiction to Aquanet hairspray. I sometimes feel that I alone caused global warming from my obscene use of Aquanet aerosol. But I look so damn good when I use it. It is the only hairspray that works on my hair. I tried the non aerosol but its just not the same. I am sorry world. I am sorry for screwing you but you would have done the same if you were in my shoes. I know you would have world! I am sure everything will work out and lets face it, I’ll be dead soon and it won’t really be my problem anymore.

Dear Dairy, retirement is so boring. I have been tossing around the idea of moving to some small, nowhere city in America and joining the local news team. You know, like being the co-anchor on WBRX in Tuscaloosa, Alabama or something. For shits and giggles, Diary. Wouldn’t that blow their minds? I could do it in my sleep or drunk. HA HA HA. Hold on, I have to pee Diary. I’m back. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, local news and drinking. I won’t do it though Diary. I just like thinking about it. Could you imagine though? It would be wild.

Dear Dairy, I had a new spice today. It is called Paprika. IT WAS DELICIOUS! I can’t quite describe the flavor, but its got a kick and its red and it can be used in all types of dishes. I can’t believe I have never heard of it before. I can’t imagine I have never tried it. Maybe I have and just never knew it. Well, regardless, I am going to put it on everything. Maybe I will write a cookbook on paprika inspired dishes. I’ll call it the Greatest Generation…of Paprika, or Paprika Like Its 1999. I’ll call my agent tomorrow. It will feel good to get involved in a project. I like eating and cooking and now, the wonderful spice, Paprika, I can’t imagine how this couldn’t be perfect!