PORTLAND SNOW WHORES

Wait.

Thomas isn't dead.
-Jordi

PORTLAND PRIDE (And A Wee Bit Closer to My Boyfriend Conan O'Brien)

I probably should've written yesterday telling you millions of Biz & Barnes fans to watch Conan O'Brien last night because and old dear friend of mine Thomas and his band (Pink Martini) were the musical guests. But I didn't think of it. It got me reminiscing.

Thomas is the genius piano player and one of the first people I met in Portland. He lived upstairs from me at the Fountain Place Apartments, a downtown structure which was as architecturally sound as sand castle, but had an enchanting fountain in the 'courtyard' which made me feel like Audrey Hepburn in "Roman Holiday", even on bad skin days. Gus Van Sant used to visit the apartment across from mine twice a day for five minutes each visit while he was shooting "My Own Private Idaho".

Anyway - Thomas and I would get up to no-good and mischief all the time. We'd throw impromptu parties at both our places and create completely different moods at each pad. One night he stormed into my home to alphabetize my albums because the thought of them being out of order or without categories kept him awake. He'd always introduce me as "The Wonderful Jordana" to people at parties. When I was having a particularly difficult time in my life, he was there for me through every minute and saw to it that I was comforted at every turn.

We drifted apart, but this happened after Pink Martini really started taking off. We'll run into each other about once a year, and we know better than to say: "Let's get together!" because of the business and lives changed - but the affection is still there and we really are happy to see each other. The last time I ran into him, he dragged me up to his place and gave me some free stuff; an original german edition of the book "Bambi", some discs and kooky Japanese candy. He also pulled out a photo album and showed me pictures of nights I forgot about with people I used to know - and we all looked fabulous.

I'll miss you Thomas. I'll miss you very much.
Thomas Lauderdale
1970 - 2005.

God, I Sound Like Such A Pervert...

But, I really want to get Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) drunk and then attack his face with my old vagina.
-Jordi

Ewan vs. Baio

Biz, why is Scott Baio dreamboat-ier than Ewan MacGregor?

Here's my argument for Ewan:

• That smile.
• He looks amazing soaking wet.
• They way he says the word "now" (said like: "nuh-w").
• Carries off a Space Mullet - with sexy results.
• Even when in The Worst Toilet in Scotland, he looks dreamboaty having sexy diarhea.
• (See 'Trainspotting' to get above bullet).
• Ewan MacGregor could not be more adorable.
• Ewan spent a few weeks for PBS in a freezing remote part of the world studying polar bears, wrote a song about it, and then played the guitar, singing the song over the closing credits of the documentary. Not as gay as it sounds.
  
• I would like to bake Ewan MacGregor in a pie and eat him.
• I love Ewan so much - I respect the fact that I must keep 200 yards away from him at all times or suffer consequences.
• Ewan MacGregor is the bees' knees.

There are many other reasons...and my picture posting isn't working, but TRUST ME.

Ewan MacGregor is the buttery Scotsman and the flakey crust we all wish we could perfect in the kitchen....the kitchen of love!

-J.

You're Hired!

Done and done.

The office will be filled with toys like mini basketball goals and slinkys and giant sit and spins to keep our creative juices flowing. Alchohol will help as well.

I will finally be able to wear jeans and t-shirts to work EVERYDAY....in fact thats the rule for me. You can pick your dresscode and we will strictly enforce it...especially the one where our hot graphic designers (Stefan) are shirtless.

We will be irreverant to our customers but enstill a feeling of trust....cause we are hip young go getters.

We will have so many obies, they will be used as toilet paper to wipe our ass (rather than blow our nose.)

WE WILL BE GODS!

Biz SHOULD Be In Advertising!

And here's why!

Biz might have an agency that was a cross between Larry Tate's on 'Bewitched' and Ms. Magazine.

Ideas would flow, like the scotch in her gorgeous office (with a conversation pit and fireplace!) kept in oversized glass decanters. If I worked there we could smoke at our desks and listen to the soothing sounds of swingin' 1960's muzak. We would date airline pilots we could smack on the ass as they left for Hong Kong.

There would be art directors holding up storyboards and layouts as Biz waves them away with "YES! YES! NO!" as she takes a call from Robert Wagner in Japan.

There would be a glorious return of the Three Martini Lunch!

I would be able to finally go to work dressed like Karen Black in all her disaster movies!

Do it Biz! Do it and hire me!

(Jordi)

I should be in advertising

So Stefan is a super awesome graphic designer for a events planning / marketing company. I work for a boring online legal publishing company.

Am I jealous of Stefan?

A little.

So what do I do?

I pretend I am an advertising GENIUS.

He tells me what he is working on and I come up with BRILLIANT ideas and then pretend that I actually work at his place and they need an awesome idea for this or that ASAP and only I can get it for them.

"Come on Biz, you are the only one who can help us. You are the BEST CREATIVE PERSON IN THE WORLD!"

Then they start kissing my ass..literally.

So I whip something together in like 10 minutes, that is incredible and more than they could ever hope for and then they all burst into tears of joy....Jill from accounting faints, that austrailan bitch jumps out the window because she knows she'll never be as good as me, flowers and $100 bills are being tossed at my feet and I literally levitate 10 inches off the ground because I AM THE BEST CREATIVE PERSON IN THE WORLD!

So the last challenge? His company had to come up with an ad for themselves for an advertising publication.

Here is what I came up with. Try not to scream out in extacy when you behold it.


I know....I know, it's hard to fathom.

Some people dream of being a superhero. Then there is me.

Never Gets Old

As a temp receptionist, I just LOVE these calls:

ME: Good afternoon, (company), how may I direct your call?

HILARIOUS JOKEY CALLER: Hey there!

ME: Hello...

HJC: And who is this?

ME: I'm--

HJC: Where's "Li'l Linda" today?!

ME: I'm the temp covering for Linda.

HJC: I hope you're whipping the gang into shape! So what's your name?

ME: Jordi.

HJC: Shorty?!

ME: No, Jordi.

HJC: Journey?

ME: No, Jordi...

HJC: Oh, JOR-di. Like Michael Jordan!

ME: Sure...what can I do for you?

HJC: Lemmee speak to "Mad Mikey"!

ME: (looks at seating map of office) We have three Michaels and Mikes...which one did you want?

HJC: "Mad Mikey"! Mike Z....."MAD MIKEY!"

ME: May I tell him who's calling?

HJC: Tell him it's George Bush!

ME: May I please...also get your real name, sir?

HJC: No, wait! Tell him it's Officer Tiger Woods from Golf Police! I'm gonna revoke his license!

(Silence)

HJC: ...For being such a bad golfer! Tell him! He'll know who it is!

(Call ends with Nice Guy taking call from Hilarious Jokey Caller and then Nice Guy apologising for his friend's "crazy" behavior. All ends up okay, but this kind of situation happens once or twice every temp day - guaranteed).

And it never gets old.

Susan B Anthony is a slut

Yesterday was Halloween and, as is the usual, the streets were filled with "Sexy" costumes, and by sexy I mean slutty.

Jordi touched on this in an earlier post...but why is it that chicks feel the need to be slutty looking...I'm sorry, SEXY, on Halloween. Clearly they want to have an excuse to be "hot" so why not dress like that all the time. If you are a nurse, be a SEXY nurse everyday. Sure the first few days, people will look at you funny, but soon, it will just be "Norma, the ER Nurse who dresses sexy."

I guess i would like to see the ladies get more creative with the SEXY. Be sexy, but don't be a devil, nurse, teacher, etc...be a sexy Martha Stewart.

Livia, super genius, went as a Sexy Susan B Anthony. It was hot.

In reply to "That's you when you grow up"

I WISH! Woooo weeeeee boy! That would rock. How can i make a like out of story telling. What a sweet job. I mean, I just watched that clip of her reading and it wasn't so special. I could do that!

Hmmmmm...I'll be back.

In the mean time here is the "greatest picture ever." Seriously, if you type in "Greatest picture ever" into Google Image, this is what you get. Its a pretty old "google trick" but I wanted to see it again.