WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

This is worth at least.....fifty-three words.

-J.

Only A Few Hours Until This...

-J.

Naomi Watts - Now Mocking Me In My Own Backyard

(I am horrible at layout. Picture the pictures in the proper places, please.)

This is St. Patrick's College.

It's a picture taken from my folks' balcony in Manly, Australia on a visit with Ted last January. This is the neighborhood where I grew up. It's also the place where Australia's Second Lady (Olivia Newton-John will always be First Lady), Nicole Kidman got hitched yesterday.

Why should I care? I'll admit - it's pretty cool to know that all these A-Listers (such as Wolverine, The Pope and The Wiggles) have no other option than to nearly drive up my parents' driveway to get to the ceremony. What's so funny? My folks are currently in the States - far away from home and gawking distance.

If they were there what would I want them to do? Something along the lines of demanding an apology to their daughter (me) from Kidman Bridesmaid and My High School Nemesis (above) Naomi Watts.

For one year in the early 80's, Naomi made me feel like crap. I know I have touched on this in a brief short attention span post, but as you ten people out there may know - I have a problem completing stories that have a "Part Two".

Now - had all the stars been aligned, had I been visiting my folks yesterday (and had they been home), I could've at least had some kind of a shot at closure (as she drove by). Some kind of apology! (As she drove by!) You have to realise that Ms. Watts was a major reason why I had such low self esteem in my teen years. Seriously! The picture above was a look I got every time I tried to talk to her. Whenever I got up the nerve to give her a compliment (me with the thick braces, volcanic acne and horrible perm) she would give me the blankest stare possible that said: "Are you kidding me?"

When she did answer one of my clumsy & nervously over enthusiastic questions ("I really love your boots! where did you get them......N-Naomi?") To get the full effect of her answer, look at the picture again, snort slightly and say "London" with a slightly sarcastic tone. Then imagine her turning her head and walking away. Feel free to picture my bottom lip trembling as I found my way to the girls' bathroom to cry.

Now picture this: A confident 37 year-old woman who used to foolishly let The Year Of Naomi affect her, but now she looks back on it, laughs and uses the experience to have a weird funny & true story to tell. And oh, how it just gets more campy with every telling. It's great material to draw on, anyway and I'm over it. I saw and loved "The Ring" and really, really liked "I Heart Huckabee's". I'll always refer to Naomi Watts as my High School Nemesis (because she kind of was and it sounds kind of cool to say). The pain she caused me was very real - but come on. High school!

My mother however, still is very, very serious in her boycott of anything Naomi-related and makes the whole thing sound like Ms. Blonde tied me to a chair, covered me in gasoline and cut off my ear with a straight razor. I guess in your fragile early teen years, the Beauty Queen of high school telling you that you're too ugly to be in the upcoming talent show - sure can feel like it. And that really happened. And that was devestating - at the time.

I'm sure if my folks were there to see Naomi's bridesmaid car drive by, they'd be excited as hell, and would have no intention of cold-blooded vengeance, but to get an idea of how my mother hasn't quite gotten over the whole thing:

When "King Kong" came out and my sister's kids wanted my mother to take them to see it, she told me: "They really wanted to see 'King Kong', but I just couldn't do it, honey. Not after what she did to you..."

Now that's a good mom.
-J.

Wanna Hug It Out?

I should be writing about how AMAZING New York was last weekend (New York Sketchfest). Words have failed every time I've tried to articulate it...and after saying the word "amazing" about eight thousand times - I just feel like I'm repeating myself. I'm going crazy listing all the groups I loved in my head and AGH! It's maddening. We should all be so lucky to have that much fun. Thanks to BIZ & Elephant Larry's STEFAN and MONICA for opening their home to a bunch of Portland sketch comics. I Heart New York Forever And Ever.

I also heart this.

-Jordi

THIS INSPIRED THIS...

THIS:
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/06/02/060602155817.4608d3f6.html

INSPIRED THIS:
(From my soon to never be finished Awesome New Play):

(Picked up in Act I / Scene Five):


WOMAN: Alone at last! What do you want to do?

COBRA: Ssssssssss.

WOMAN: You naughty! I mean besides that?

COBRA: Ssssssssss.

WOMAN: Do you want to collect tea leaves in the field?

COBRA: Sssssssss.

WOMAN: Do you want to scare the village while I run after you screaming: "It's okay! He's my husband!"?

COBRA: Ssssssss.

WOMAN: Mango lassi?

COBRA: *shrugs* Ssssssss.

WOMAN: Boggle?

COBRA: Ssssssssss!

WOMAN: Was that a "Yes please, Boggle!" or "No way, Boggle!"?

COBRA: *excited* Sssssssss!

WOMAN: Ha-ha! Okay. Boggle it is, dear Cobra Husband.

(The woman goes to get Boggle. The Cobra bites his wife and she dies. A spotlight shrinks to the Cobra as he delivers his speech):

COBRA: Who am I? I have become a monster! (a Sacred Cow is rolled onto the stage, adorned with floral decorations) Help me! Help me fight who I am! I killed my wife and for what?! For what?! For the thrill? I think not, Sacred Cow!

(COBRA launches into "his song": "I Am A Simple Cobra" which goes: "I am a simple cobra / Why must I bite and kill everyone I see?" etc. At the end of the song, he bites the Sacred Cow.)

COBRA: I MUST BE STOPPED!!!
(End Act I. Curtain down.)

I SMELL 'SUREFIRE HIT!'
-J.

"AM I DEAD, OR JUST EXTRA BORING TODAY?"

By Mark Knopfler
(Of Dire Straits fame.)

For some reason, a radio station - (a pretty good one) - in Portland, Oregon keeps playing my songs today as if I'm dead.
What's going on? Am I dead...or just that extra bit boring? Did I finally bore myself to death? Is that it? Because if that's it, then BRAVO!

Usually, (this is on a daily basis) I feel sofar-ay-WAY-from being remotely interesting. On a good day I call up Jackson Browne and Todd Rundgren to see if they want to hang out...which (given our combination of people) is a very bad idea if you're looking for good times. When the three of us get together, we're like the Three Musketeers! (If the Three Musketeers were three reading lamps.)


So why am I hearing my music today? And please, PLEASE don't tell me "Because it's brilliant" or "I love Dire Straits, so fuck you!" I know better. I write the songs that make the young girls sleep. I wrote scores of scores to films all set where? That's right. Usually all the movies that feature my music are all set in "sleepy little villages". I need a nap just thinking about!

So if you can tell me if I'm either dead or maybe it's just Boring Day in Oregon, write:
Princess Pony Party Amazing
Mark Knopfler Dead or Just Boring Sweepstakes
Catface, North Pole
USA

That's the way to do it.
Signed,
Mark KnopflerrZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Check this out

This is pretty brilliant. I will warn you its pretty harsh too...but thats how I like my truth, well packaged, interesting, effective and a little harsh..to remind you that it is truth not just entertainment.

Enjoy!


http://www.chiokenassor.com/jeangrae.html

Here is his website. He will seeing some shows at the fest.