"AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AUSSIE!"

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY, YOU BLOODY MUGS.

Australia Good: It is the only nation that started as a prison, it is the home of the largest living thing on the planet (The Great Barrier Reef) and of the largest monolith (Ayers Rock or Uluru), azure blue water (not too warm, not too cold), the people are super-friendly and take year-long vacations, the environment and climate lend itself to a year-round glow, Australia's greatest heroes are its biggest failures, Aussies will feed and clothe any stranger with a backpack and a few good stories, get out of the water - here we come: Australians have proven themselves time and time again to be the best swimmers and surfers, Sydney is abundant with the Frangipani: a white (or pink) six petaled flower which grows on a tree and takes seven years to bloom. The Frangipani has a scent that will make you maim and steal just to smell it again. The country (also an island, also a continent) is surrounded by one giant world class beach, the 'ownership' of sacred land is finally being relinquished to the rightful owners: the native people of Australia, the animals are the most unique found anywhere in the world, mangoes: twenty-five cents and as big as your head, the original drawings for the Sydney Opera House (designed by a Dane, Jorn Utzon) were saved from a rejected pile at the last minute in an attempt to do something ground breaking. (Taking five years to build, it is one of the most instantly recognizable structures in the world. Due to a disputes, conflicts and illness, Utzon never saw his project realised.) Olivia Newton-John.

Australia Bad: Home to some of the deadliest creatures to ever be imagined; five of its creatures (funnel web spider, box jellyfish, blue-ringed octopus, paralysis tick and stonefish) are the most lethal of their type in the world. The World's Ten Deadliest Snakes are all from Australia, you can be eaten by sharks, attacked by saltwater crocs and left to rot half-alive in a mangrove (until they decide you're tasty enough to eat a few weeks later), the sun is a killer, certain innocent looking shells carry venom and can pack a punch, the Red Centre is barren and a deathtrap, everything is beyond expensive, Australians (usually a friendly sort) resent any successes of other Aussies in the States. Skin cancer, unforgiving riptides and all that rape and killing that happened on this day 219 years ago.

Through the good and bad, Australia is the most fascinating and magical place in the world. I am a child of an Aussie dad and Canadian mother and I proudly still call Australia home.

Happy Aussie Day,

-J.

Tom Brokaw's Diary: Entry 4 - 8

Dear Diary, If I was gay I think I would want a man’s man. I thought that being gay meant you liked men. Why is it that effeminate gay men date other effeminate gay men? I would want to date, like, a strong, smart, macho man, who solved all my problems and while he was tough as nails could make me feel safe when I am lying in his arms. Like a Jack Bower type. He is very dreamy, diary.

Dear Dairy, Last night I dreamed about Jack Bower again. I know he is a fictional character, but he is so real in my dreams. In last nights dream I was at the anchor desk on NBC Nightly News, but it wasn’t the NBC stage, it was the set of Geraldo, and yet I knew it was NBC. It was weird. I was reporting on a cat fashion show when suddenly I was surrounded by bears, but they weren’t real bears, they looked elongated and less hairy, but I knew they were bears, and they got very close to me. I wasn’t scared but I was naked. Suddenly my mother was hanging in effigy in front of me and I looked in the mirror and discovered I was a zombie David Brinkley! I began to scream and then Jack Bower woke me up…but it was still a dream…and he put his arms around me and said “Shhhh, its all right, I’ve got you baby.” Then he looked me directly in the eyes and said, “Whatever you do, don’t wake up.” Then my cat stepped on my groin and I woke up. It was CRAZY Diary! I mean what was that about?

Dear Dairy, I am fat, fat, fatty fat, fat. I am so gross! Anderson Cooper can eat whatever he wants and never gets fat! It is so unfair. I hate him. I am so hungry all the time. If Anderson Cooper was made out of tacos I would eat him. You know, he looks like he would be made out of tacos. Delicious tacos. Maybe tonight will be an Olde El Paso taco in a box night. I think Geraldo would taste like a honey baked ham. Larry King – red velvet cake. Wolf Blitzer, a stick of butter. Katie Couric – meatloaf. Dan Rather – corn. Barbara Walters – clams. I’m hungry now Diary. I am going to go and get some food.

(The food list could go on and on)

Guess who Diary?! It’s me. I think I am depressed. I feel off and no matter how nice everyone is to me I think they are all lying. Sometimes I wish I would get hit by a car or have some sort of accident, not fatal and nothing that would make me ugly or retarded, just bad enough to be in the hospital for a while. Then I wouldn’t be expected to be so perfect all the time. I could just slow down and everyone would be nice. I’d see who my real friends are. Hold on Diary, I have to go to the bathroom. I’m back. I feel fat and unsexy. I just want to lay on the couch, watch back to back episodes of CSI all night, and eat frozen pizzas and dip.

Just a few more days till LOST is back on Diary! I can’t wait! What’s going to happen? If LOST was real and I was on the island I think I would be like Jack. Strong and smart. The guy who kept everyone together. I also wouldn’t let Kate run off with Sawyer. I would make her mine and rule the island! OH MY GOD! The radio is playing a Clay Aiken song. I love his remake of this song!!!! (singing) “I can't live, if living is without you, I can't live, I can't give anymore.” I wish I was Clay Aiken for a day. I would get laid all day long.

UH-OH, SOMEONE'S BEEN INVENTING THINGS....

"Take that, Citizens of Worldtown!"

-J.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO MAD AT MAGIC BEFORE

That's right. Last night we saw: "DAVID COPPERFIELD: AN INTIMATE EVENING OF GRAND ILLUSION".

As I was sitting there, I felt horrible for thinking: “Is it just me, or are other people sensing that Mr. Copperfield is rushing through this as fast as possible?” I tried to let it go, but then as the show went on….more thoughts: “Wow, his plants are horrible actors”, “Saw that coming a mile away, thanks to his plants”, “He needs to not tell jokes” and then the unexpected: “He looks like Tony Shalhoub from here. But probably just from here”.

Oh, I wanted to believe! Oh I did. I was practically skipping to my seat (and we had pretty great seats) but the whole thing reeked of a ‘Tuesday night show’ where the audience was full of no friends or family or Claudia Schiffer-types to push Mr. Copperfield to do his best. The finale was just kind of an insult. It really was. I'm getting mad just thinking about it.

There is a Portland close-up magician named Reed McClintock who has blown my mind time and time again. He's one of the most amazing magicians I’ve ever seen and I wouldn't be suprised if he took up permanent residence at The Magic Castle. I just expected more from David Copperfield; a crisp white unbuttoned shirt. A bit of fanfare. A bit of majesty – but seriously! Tony Shalhoub. Wearing KHAKIS. He did two illusions that were simple straight-up now you see me, now you don’t very, very cool tricks, but as soon as he added his horrible actor plants and tried to perform poor comedy along with it – I checked out. No. I disappeared.

My feelings were validated when the lights came up and the guys we went to the show with (Mitch and Derek – both huge D.C. fans who have seen him five times) said the show wasn’t that great and noticed that two illusions were missing. Even the way Mr. Copperfield left the stage was the lamest stage exit I have ever seen in the history of stage exits. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He ran off like a hasty high school principal at the end of an assembly trying to beat the school bullies out to the parking lot before they have a chance to key his Benz.

Now that I am a complete asshole, I also have to add that he opened the show with a ten minute reel of clips gathered from over the years of anytime the name ‘David Copperfield’ was uttered in any movie, sit-com or cartoon. There we were watching a too-long-for-it-to-be-okay clip from ‘Mad About You’ at an arena where The fucking Who played. In the middle of the show, they practically ran the same thing: a ten minute bloated egoist resume of all the accomplishments of David Copperfield – I'm almost positive it's one of those shiny videos they run on the Vegas strip on a gigantic screen every 15 minutes squashed in-between Cirque Du Soleil and Rita Rudner. On your way to your seat in the lobby? Fine. But during the show? In the words of Master Magician (and my boyfriend) Gob Bluth: “Come on!”

Now this shouldn’t put you off of ever seeing him (he's David Copperfield after all) but I felt like he was peeing in my mouth the whole time. And there's nothing really that magical about that.

J.

FADE TO WHITE

Because no one asked for it: "The Top Five Retahded Ways I Will Probably Die".

1. Choking on the white powder of Donette Gems.

2. Choking on the white powder of Donette Gems.

3. Choking on the white powder of Donette Gems.

4. Choking on the white powder of Donette Gems.

5. I will probably die while eating Donette Gems.....somehow.

BONUS DEATH!

6. Punched by a cat.

J.

Looks Like We Made It

Oh yes indeed...Barry was incredible!

Sure, I am a little biased...I mean I can't imagine Barry doing any wrong...unless I found out he believed in hitting women like Sean Connery (dick).

The seats were great. We were on the main floor, center, and one section back....the front of our section. No matter where I looked i got an eye full of Barry. He sang all of his old songs and threw in some of the songs he sings on the 50's and 60's album. These were of course charming and wonderful. He made lots of adorable jokes about being really old and I swear he changed blazers like 8 times. I wasn't sure if there was much of a difference between the blazers except for color, but who cares...that man can wear a blazer!

I stood up and "rocked" for most of his songs. That sounds weird, but there are all these awesome Barry Manilow crescendos and you know all the words and you have probably sung them at home in your darkest hour and they have helped you through and all of a sudden you are at the concert and he is singing "Mandy" and suddenly there is a key change AND a crescendo and you can't help but pump your fist in the air and lose control.

I cried when he sang Weekend In New England. This is also the phone ring I have for when my parents call. My Mama went with me to a Barry Manilow concert in Birmingham at the outdoor ampitheatre...and we sat on a blanket and when that song came on both got teary and it was just a sweet Mama moment.

What I like about Barry Manilow concerts is that I am always surprised by the fans. Of course there are a lot of women and a lot of sweaters with prints, and a majority of the fan base is getting on up there in years (though are still die hard and would cut your throat if it was between you and them and Barry.) But there are always the young fans...like myself and the straight men. I had a friend back in college number 2 who was a Barry Fan. He was a good ol' southern, fraternity brother, who hunted and drank too much beer and yet LOVED Barry. I ran into him at the concert I was at with my Mom. He knew every song.

We were surrounded by a fairly good group. The woman next to me got a little upset when not everyone was standing for every song. She said to me, "What is everyone's problem? We are on the floor, this is like the mosh pit for Barry Manilow!" Adorable.

There was an intermission...which means Barry might be getting a bit too old to go out on the road...though I did not mind as it allowed me to go to the bathroom and not miss any of the concert. During the intermission, glow sticks were passed out. Everyone in the Garden had one. Now, I have been to Phish Shows. I know glow sticks and great concert lighting. This was no Phish show...but it was close my friend. Very close. I mean people weren't tossing them to the grooving tones, but they were swaying back and forth like nobody's business.

It was a blast and I loved it and Stefan was wonderful and has even started to learn some of teh songs! He turned to me at one point and said "I am so glad I get to be the one who sees this side of you." This might have been right after I was weeping uncontrolably or after I stood up and yelled "I love you Barry" at the top of my lungs...I don't know...it could be a toss up. I asked him what side of me are you referring to? "The sentimental, sweet one" he said. As opposed to my usual sarcastic, slightly jaded, romantic comedy hating side i guess.

I am lucky he likes both and I am lucky to have kick ass parents who buy me Barry Manilow tickets for my birthday.

And now for some powerpoint picture manipulation.

Tonight: Music and Passion

Thats right...I GOT BARRY MANILOW TICKETS for my birthday! Yay! I will be on the floor, front of the second section at Madison Square Garden....basking in the warm glow of Barry Manilow. No one will be able to tell me to sit down now!!!

I have my Barry Manilow iron on shirt all ready to go when i leave the office.

This will be Stefan's 2nd Barry concert...I am not sure how excited he is, but he seems to love me and enjoys watching me FREAK OUT at Barry Manilow concerts, so i think we will both have a good time.

Sadly, there was no tim eto make a large poster that would direct Barry to pick me to sing Can't Smile Without You on stage with him.

T-minus 5 hours to go!

I will have a full report tomorrow. In the mean time you can join me in this Barry Manilow story.

Yay! My Freak Magnet Colonge is Working!

I was stared at and sniffed at all before 7:30am this morning by strange men on the bus.

Thank GOD, because I was hoping that would happen. That means my 'Star Light / Star Bright' wish from last night came true!

Just when I thought the day couldn't get better, another drunk man with bloodshot eyes and a mouth like death sits next to me on the train and attempts to put his arm around me (yay!) I pretend that I'm pissed and swat his hand away. I say: "Excuse me." He doesn't move. I attempt to get up to move myself and he says all leery: "You could just climb over me if you want to". (Of course I want to! But I don't. My inner voice is saying the whole time: "Don't be too eager, Jordi...don't be too eager...you know how weak you are when it comes to pasty alcoholic dudes".)

God he smells so good. Like old french fries and bile and a sandwich that's been in the bottom of a locker. I try not to just kiss him right then and there.

Later on my lunch, imagine my excitement when I'm all of a sudden the subject of an argument between a pair of die-hard Skinny Puppy fans; a boyfriend and his Sherman tank built 6'2 girlfriend (who could easily beat me to a pulp.) What happened was, they were already arguing about a man who apparently is 'just friends' with the girl (who I'll call "Tall-y"), but her boyfriend doesn't believe this. He thinks they're more than friends. She gets upset and starts punching him on the arm....hard. (He says 'Ow!' a lot...her voice getting louder.)

In a stroke of what can only be called 'genius telephathy', he comes over to me while I'm minding my own business and reading and says: "Heeeey, pretty lady". I'M FLOORED because you know what I was thinking? I was thinking: "I feel like getting beaten up by a girl ten times bigger than me - I sure wish that guy over there would do something to provoke her to turn into a whirling dervish of terror". I only got half my wish, as right as he said: "Heeeey, pretty lady" she went ballistic and started coming after him. I got up, grabbed my shit and ran out of that Carl's Junior as fast as I could. Maybe I really didn't feel like getting beaten up like I thought. Sometimes you have to be prepared for too much fun!

Well, it's only 2:30P. Anything else rad could happen.

Personally, I'm hoping to catch pink-eye from the man who plays Chicago songs on his keyboard down the street.

Wish me luck!
J.

MEET BIZ: RESIDENT FANILOW

They call themselves The Fanilows: Fans Who Would Lay Down Their Life for He Who Writes the Songs (Who Writes the Songs!)

Biz is a Fanilow.


I realised that I never asked her: how long has this been going on? Today I wanted to find out - in a Princess Pony Party Amazing exclusive!

(To give the impression that I'm interviewing Biz in person and not by correspondence, I will pepper this Q & A with 'stuff' as if we're at the same place at the same time.)

....Haha! Oh hello! You caught Biz and I sharing a Park Slope, N.Y. moment over a cup of Celestial Seasonings Bear Odyssey Urine Tea. We're talking about this and that...life's lessons....coccaine....you know what? (Out of the blue?) I think it's time to ask Biz some questions about where her love for Barry Manilow started!

J: Do you remember the first time you heard Barry Manilow?
B: Not really. But I remember being about 8 years old and at the mall withmy grandmother. I was visiting her in the big city of Birmingham and it is a rule that when you visit your grandmother in the big city you go to a mall.

J: Uh-oh! Did we have the same grandma? Look out!

B: We were at the music store and I was rummaging though the tapebin and remember holding the Barry Manilow (Greatest hits Volume I) in my hand and it being mine shortly thereafter.

J: Did you grow up in a Manilow household?
No...no one was really a big fan. My sister was more into Neil Diamond,though she appreciates the Barry. I never heard my parents listen tomusic. (weird)

J: You want weird? We're drinking bear pee! Were you closeted for a while, or were you always upfront with your love for the Manilow?
B: At first I didn't realize there was anything wrong with Barry. Then in middle school people started giving me the "you like Barry Manilow"look...but this look was similar to the "why are you talking to me nerd?" look which I got all the time, so early on I decided that popularity be damned, I loved Barry Manilow and you can take your ChakaKahn and cram it. No one is asking me to the dance anyway.

J: Well, they're stupid!

B: By the end of high school, I had a huge Barry Manilow record collection becausefriends would give me their parent's albums so they would be out of thehouse. Ha ha ha!

J: If Barry could serenade you with just one of his songs what would it be?
B: Hmmmmmm....there have been many bright and dark days, my friend, that I could have used Barry singing one of his songs to me. I get teary just thiking about it...but I guess it would be "I Made It Through The Rain."This was sort of a personal anthem when I felt bad or that I couldn't "do it" or if I was upset because I thought people didn't like me or didn't get what I was trying to do...from back when I was in Jr high in my purple themed bedroom to basically a few weeks ago in my kitchen. Here are the lyrics. They read a little corny, but add in some killer Barry Manilow crescendos and you have a tear maker!

J: Let's hear it!

We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive
We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives
Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years

J: This is great! Do you have a quarter?

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel so afraid
Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade
'Cause when I chased my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say

J: Thanks! You look great today here in New York!

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

J: What covers would you like to see him do?
B: What a fun question!

J: I know, isn't it?!

B: As I also worshipped the Monkees (I still have that tape collection) so it would be fun to have Barry rock Day Dream Believer. I could suggest more obscure Monkees' songs (and brother, I know them)---

J: Ahhh! I love "A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You"! I love how Davy Jones emphasises the hard 'T's on the word 'little'...like 'liT-Tle'.

B:---but he would sound really great singing Daydream Believer.Also he would rock Lonely Boy by Andrew Gold.

J: I love the end of that song! The last line:"....Oh what a lonely bohhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy?!" It reminds me of Julianne Moore in 'Boogie Nights' when her son calls on the phone and she misses the call because she's hiding out doing coccaine. Sorry. That would be a fantastic song for Barry to do. Which bands would you like to see cover Barry?
B: I would love to see Blink 182 or Green Day cover Barry. I think punk Barry would be fun.

J: Have you ever met him?
B: Only in my dreams. I have seen him 6 times now (we are practicallycommon law!) The last time was in Vegas and my true love Stefan---

J: Yay Stefan!

B:--- got us seats so close that I could have poked him with an extended broomhandle. He is going to be in New York next week and my birthday is this weekend--

J: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

B:---so I asked for tickets but only if my folks or Stefan (or everybody chipped in) could get me tickets on the first couple of rows. In Vegas, people did not encourage dancing in our section, so it wouldbe really cool to be right at the front in Madison Square Garden standing up and dancing with all the other crazies. Up until about 5 or 6 years ago, he would pick someone from the audience to come up on stage and sing "Can't Smile Without You" with him. People would show up at concerts with posters (some with battery operated lights) asking to be picked. I was always too far away to do this. At his last concert in NYC he picked someone...for the first time in years. People went nuts!IF...IF I go and I am as close as I can be, then I will have my sign,and I will wear my Barry Manilow t-shirt and I will get picked to sing that song with him and I will freak the fuck out and probably faint on stage and it will be AWESOME.(Note...if I am not able to go to Barry it is fine. I have seen him alot and can live without seeing it again. This is just fun.)

J: What would you like to say to him right now?
B: I have been saying this since I was 12..."Barry Manilow is the only manwho understands me." PS. Currently 90% of my ringtones are Barry Manilow. I Made It Through the Rain is the general tone.

PSS. Are you asking me all these questions because you are secretly in touch with Barry Manilow and are setting up backstage passes for me inNYC right now?

PSSS. Maybe Barry Mailow will see this blog and will reach out to me andgive me and Stefan backstage passes so we could sip champagne in the general vicinity of Barry.

PSSSS. You can watch a clip from the Oprah show with Barry...where they surprised fans with Barry. Sadly this is just a clip, but you can get ataste for the hysteria that I go through when watching Barry. (I have just watched this clip 18 times in the last hour.)

That's why we love you, Biz.

If anyone can actually find the footage online of the "surprising section" of that show send it to me!http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200409/tows_past_20040915.jhtml

J: This bear urine is making me all fidgety. I should go. Thank you so much for sharing your Barry memories, Biz and Happy Birthday. I wish I had a Barry suprise for you.

So there you have it, kids!

Are you a superfan of something?
Anything?
Write and tell us!:
Biz & Barnes
Princess Pony Party Amazing
Fangtooth, USA

J.

FUCK OFF CLASSMATES.COM

I clicked on you once during an enchanted NyQuil evening.

Despite all the warnings on the bottle about decision making, I signed up with you purely out of curiosity. What was I thinking? What was I thinking you assholes?

STOP IT! QUIT IT! I keep 'unsubscribing' but you keep 'subscribing'! What am I supposed to do? I was curious, and I know it's my own fault, but you appear to be giving the option to quit. Shouldn't you honor that?! I THINK YOU SHOULD.

I could not curse that night more if I tried. And I'm trying really hard!

Stop calling and stop writing classmates.com!

I don't care! I never really knew these people anyway (with all my cutting.)
What is your hope, classmates.com? If you think for a second that:
A) A time machine will be invented in the next hour and,
B) I'll get into that time machine and go back to 1987 when Tony Markwick was running for school president and he was handing out cherry Starbursts to everyone so that they would vote for him and,
C) He miraculously didn't hate me so much at that time and,
D) We became best friends and vowed to keep in touch forever in the future through a magical electronic portal...then you're wrong!

I'm telling you for the last time classmates.com,
Eat a bowl of dick and leave me alone!

-J.