A Pink Umbrella For Halloween

There is nothing like wearing a costume during the morning commute through the NYC subway systems to remind you that its “not you, its them.” I felt like a pink umbrella in a sea of black umbrellas. What a delight!

I can’t believe that of the, what, 3000 or so people that I passed on my way into work today on the subways, only one other person was wearing a costume to work, and all she had was a witches hat. I am not poo pooing the witches hat. Kudos to her having a little fun which is more than I can say for the millions of other New Yorkers who pride themselves on being so cool by being New Yorkers that they don’t have time to be cool having fun.

I refuse to wear a witches hat as a costume for work. I am an executive assistant and to me, I find the “executive assistant in a witches hat in her cube” a bit cliché and might make me feel as if I really am an executive assistant and not just here till something amazing and creative comes along…even though we are approaching 5 years here and I am about to get an anniversary plaque commemorating that along with an additional week of vacation and a pension. But I won’t wear a witches hat in my cube. That might send out the wrong idea.

Its like when I used to smoke. I refused to buy a carton of cigarettes because I felt it would mean I “really was a smoker,” even though I bought a pack a day…sometimes two. I know….I am a weirdo.

So what am I for office Halloween? I am the 2nd most cliché office costume…I cowgirl. HA HA HA I know…I am so daring. I am the “crazy” one at my office.

I had one woman give me a snarky look in my elevator at the office and I thought “It’s not like I’m a slutty cowgirl. I am totally a fully covered…mom like cowgirl.” It’s Halloween for Pete sake. Eat a candy bar and lighten up.

I will say that for the first time in a very long time I had a decent commute. Maybe I should wear costumes everyday. It might make living in this city a bit more bearable.

FIRE BAD! ORGY GOOD?

I can't find pictures of the sign of Portland's oldest swingers club (Ace of Hearts) anywhere and my camera is broken.

When Ted and I passed the place tonight in search of a bar without Full Moon Douchebags, we saw that the Ace of Hearts has changed its name to 'Angel's Sensual Social Club' (*Blerf*)

Not only is the sign a piece of work, but they have (I swear to you) one of these "guarding"the front door:

Oh man. Look out. "Goofy" Cartoon Frankenstein wants to fuck you.

I really wish that my camera worked. This poor facsimile I threw together is nothing compared to the tableau of jolly Frankenstein, a sign advertising white trash sex with 52 year-old strangers who smell like Red Bull and Axe, and the crowning jewel: a large well lit Wells Fargo sign.

It was the perfect picture.

Now I'm crying.
Fantastic.
J.

"LET'S TALK ABOUT CANDY!" By King Panda of Cakeland.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING! WHY SHOULD I TRUST THE GOOD KING PANDA OF CAKELAND'S OPINION ABOUT CANDY? KING PANDA OF CAKELAND'S BEST INTERESTS INVOLVE CAKE AND A GOOD GAME OF FOUR SQUARE ONLY! AND HE IS A PANDA! WELL THIS IS WHY I AM HERE! EVEN THOUGH EVERY ONE KNOWS ME AS THE PANDA WHO CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF CAKE, I ALSO WANT THE PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I LOVE CANDY! IT IS TRUE! DO NOT BELIEVE KING PANDA? I MADE A LIST!:

"GOOD THINGS ABOUT CANDY!":

1. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, CANDY IS THE BEST THING FOR A MIGRANE!
2. CANDY CURES HATE!
3. THE CHEWY, CRUNCHY, CREAMY OR IRON CENTRE!
4. IT PUTS GOOD USE TO NOUGAT - THE BABY'S BREATH AND STYROFOAM PACKING PEANUTS OF THE CANDY WORLD!
5. COMPACT!
6. EASY TO UNWRAP!
7. EASY TO LOVE!
8. CANDY!

"BAD THINGS ABOUT CANDY!"

1. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CANDY IN MY CURRENT NEIGHBORHOOD TO MAKE A CANDY BARN!

SO THERE YOU GO!

I AM KING PANDA OF CAKELAND!

GOODNIGHT!

J.

OH NO! WATCH OUT FOR CLICHES, BUSINESSMAN IN PERIL!

When you cover for people at various front desks around the globe (Portland), you see a lot of mail. This means a lot of magazines. Usually, financial & business rags like Money Matters, Forbes, Money Weekly, Money Monthly, Money Money etc.

The trend for years (it seems) is to stick some kind of graphic on the cover suggesting that either businessmen should watch their every move or else they will die, or businessmen hate their jobs so much they want to die and this is how they're going to do it:











They never show the other side of Businessman-ing:

TYPHOON'S TOYS AND THEIR VARIOUS INJURIES

He's on the go , nine years-old and ready to destroy anything with fake eyes. Here's a damage report so far:

1. BUNNY - A white plush rabbit tops the list of Ty's favorite toys. I would probably bet that Bunny would be Ty's 'Desert Island' item or the thing he'd save in a fire. Probably over us. Bunny has weathered a lot of 'experimentation' but still has both eyes. The only thing gone is Bunny's dignity. My brother in law Joe calls Bunny 'The Accused'.

2. BUNNY II - Missing a nose.

3. PLUSH CHICKEN WITH ANTLERS AND EARMUFFS WHICH PLAYS 'THE CHICKEN DANCE' AND HOPS WHEN YOU PRESS ITS LEFT WING - Missing a beak.

4. RASTAFARIAN ROPE CREATURE-THING - All intact probably due to the fact that you can't tell what the fuck it is.

5. TACO BELL PLUSH CHIUAHUA - Missing one eye and its nose. Still talks when you press its tummy.

6. TINY BEAR - Missing both eyes and nose. Tiny Bear never stood a chance.

7. PLUSH GIFT SANTA WEARING ONLY HEART UNDERPANTS - Still all intact. Plush Gift Santa Wearing Only Underpants puts up a good fight.

8. WHITE PLUSH BEAR - As big as Bunny...actually looks exactly like Bunny from a distance, but I guess lacks Bunny's pheromones as there's not a scratch on him.

9. PLUSH SMURFETTE - All intact. Girl must know Karate.

10. PLUSH DEVIL WITH HEARTS - All intact. Satan must know Karate.

11. ORANGE SQUEAKY PUPPY - All intact. Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'.

12. KITTY - No nose. The eyes are next. Sleep with one of them open, Kitty.

13. NINJA SQUEAKY DUCK WITH THROWING STARS ON IT - Will always be in one piece.

14. SQUEAKY SPIDER-MAN FIST - Built tough especially for dogs! Missing its squeak.

15. SQUEAKY CHEESEBURGER - Missing squeak. Squeaky Steak also lasted about three days four years ago.

16. SQUEAKY BARBELL - Missing squeak.

17. SPECIAL HONOR: SQUEAKY LEOPARD PRINT BRA MADE FOR DOGS - This is Ty's second favorite toy. He chews and chews and chews it - and it's still all intact. A gift from his lovely Auntie Daria, Squeaky Leopard Print Bra is the Everlasting Gobstopper of chew toys. It's the Effie from Dreamgirls; every time Typhoon attacks it again and again it's as if it's still strong squeak is singing: "And I Am telling you! I'm not going!..."

J.