MY DOG TYPHOON SAYS: "READ THIS OR I'LL EAT YOUR FACE AND HEAD!"

"EXTREE! EXTREE! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

The fine folks over at Hello Hilarious (notably one of MEAT's Dynamos Becky Poole) have published the exclusive interview between Biz and my mom Jordi for thier Countdown to the NYC Sketchfest! Now please give me some bones and food."

Sincerely,

Typhoon - Jordi's Rad Dog.

McDonalds will not be upstaged by International understanding

Ok...so its the end of our day at the World Showcase at Epcot and they are herding everyone out of the park. Stefan and I are a little tipsy and a lot hilariously annoyed at how uneducational most of this park was and we are just making it past a pile up of baby strollers and people not paying attention when we spot these....on a wall.

I don't even remember a McDonalds in this park so I am not sure why these were there and even if there was a McDonalds right in the middle of Epcot, I still wouldn't understand why these were there.

So....here we go...McDonald's overwhelming ego alive and well in Epcot's world paviallion.

Nothing makes me think historic London than McDonald's in the sky.

Is this supposed to be modern? It looks like old timey London, so when did they get a search light with a McDonald's gobbo?

Missing Canada? This should bring a patriotic tear to your eye. Nothing screams the natural wonders of Canada than a rainbow scorching a McDonald's M into the mountian side.

Oh, and watch out for that bear. You look like a Happy Meal.

Now, I have never been to Japan, but I think the magesticness of this amazing country's history, art and traditions are really encapsulted in this McDonald's ad. I believe the mantra of the samuri is, "Yes, I would like fries with that."

I don't know much about Morocco but i had heard a rumor that it rained french fries there all the time. I think that if I go to visit Morocco I will have a sound understanding of its people and customs. It is a magical place where everything of value is french fries!

I'm hungry...for international travel!

And McDonalds.

Disney Part II: Guess who loves drinking from novelty glasses?

We do!

Here we are on night 5 of our Disney vacation and had drinks and dinner at the Polynesian restaurant. Of course we had to kick things off with drinks served in pineapples.

The dinner was this Polynesian family style restaurant where they just started bringing you every type of food that they had. It was all in a sauce that didn't settle with me and about 12 minutes into it, IT was coming out of me...meaning i threw up. Stefan can't take me anywhere.

The next day we were at water park number 2...Typhoon Lagoon, which by the way is the BEST thing to do if you go to Walt Disney World. It was really awesome. And low and behold....you could get drinks there in COCONUTS! Makes me wanna go NUTS! I went to the bar and the woman asked "do you want a pirate coconut or a monkey coconut." Blink!

BOTH! Sweet!

The monkey coconut says "Also a coin bank" and then in all caps "TAKE ME HOME!!!!" (right, quadruple exclamation points.)

Ok, the next day we hit Epcot. I seem to remember Epcot from my childhood as this rad learning experience with a bit of Michael Jackson tossed in.

It wasn't what i remembered. It was kinda...eh....and there was NOTHING educational. Everything was made to sound like you were learning but you actually weren't. Like in the Ellen's Energy show they said things like "fire is responsible for civilization. " and then moved on. What? You don't want to follow that up with some examples? Instead they followed it up with a 10 minute ride through dinosaurs...which was fine by me. I hate learning.

The world showcase was really bad. I can't begin to explain in words, but maybe these pictures will help.

Here is Stefan in front of the Mexico pavilion. How authentic! I hope we can find some truly native arts and crafts from these amazing people.

Like this margarita party pump! Ole!

Or what about this bin of tostitos!

Ok...next stop...exotic China!

After this picture I remembered that when i take my glasses off I look Chinese. So I did it. Look it! When I was growing up, the other kids at school used to call me "Chinese Girl!" Which is guess was better than "wart girl" since i had a LOT of warts on my legs and feet and hands. Cute.

So in we go to browse the shops. China was one of the better places as 98% of what they sold was not Disney related....the 2% belongs to this table of Sushi plates and Saki sets...

...in China. Maybe I am just not very worldly.

God I miss Stefan. I wish he would return from ITALY soon.

Italy consisted of a restaurant and a booth that sold wine. Just like the real italy.

And here we are...Japan...and Biz doing the no glasses thing again...which is kinda jerky in hindsight.

Japan was probably the most awesome. No Disney crap here. Everything was super authentic and they had this amazing show on Robots and tin toys. Very cool.
Ok...this is it for now. Look forward to inappropriate McDonald's ads from around the world.

best link ever

Ok...so I am at work day dreaming about a vacation to a small Tahitian island...you know how I roll, when i click on the following link to see the hotel.

Please see what came up.

http://www.relaismahana.com/accueilA.htm

WHY I LOVE THIS COSTUME!

1. Human hands.
2. Mustard yellow head.
3. Business shoes (shined!)
4. “Jagged” trim on top.
5. Space Purse.
6. Pose.
7. All of it.
8. Moustache can be seen better against yellow head.
9. He is Mexican.
10. It is the worst costume in the world.

J.

Guess who went to Disney World? (like two weeks ago...jeesh!)

These guys!

I had to run a conference for my company down at Disney World and Stefan came along so that we could play for a few days at Disney. We were there Monday thru Sunday. Guess who worked

The first 4 days while SOMEONE else was having a good time in all the parks?

This Girl!

Guess Who was having a good time by himself in all the parks?

This guy! The guy who takes a bunch of pictures of himself all over the parks!

Here is Stefan taking a picture of himself on the monorail!

Here is Stefan taking a picture of himself as he enters into the Magic Kingdom.

Here are all the people that Stefan beat out to get into the park first by being there SUPER early. Suckers!

And here is the little plaque that you pass under as you enter into the Magic Kingdom. I will admit, that when i saw it (4 days later) it tugged a bit on my cynical heart...until I got stuck behind a parade and wanted to shoot myself in the fantasy.

Oh good, here is another picture of Stefan enjoying the view of our hotel, The Grand Floridian.

Now for more pictures of Stefan taking pictures of Stefan. This time in front of Thunder Mountain!

Now in front of what i guess is Adventure land, except all of these self pictures are a bit non-descript. Looking good Stefan!

Maybe he is on the people mover in Futureland? Your guess is as good as mine.

Awwwww...no one to play checkers with? Only 3 more days till Biz gets out of her conference and gets to come play with you! YAY HOORAY!

Ok, here is my favorite picture that Stefan took of the whole trip. Someone writing Jesus in the sky over Disney World.

wuh-wow. Smiley face.

So the conference ended and Stefan and I kicked our portion of the vacation off with having dinner at the California Grill, atop the Contemporary hotel, which is touted as the nicest restaurant in the Disney compound (as i like to call it).

So we got decked out.

Here is me...

Lovely...very classy, with heels and a lot of time spent on hair.

And here is Stefan...

Looking very handsome in a very nice shirt and closely shave face.

And here, just to the right of Stefan....

...is the restaurant filled with screaming fat kids and their cut off wearing, sun burned, khaki pant clad parents who are all behaving as if they have never eaten out before. I swear food was tossed. And i got no problem with that in many establishments. I just found it very "American" that at what is supposedly the 4 star restaurant you get people behaving as if they are in McDonald's.

They truth is, it might be me who shouldn't be taken anywhere. Surprise!

And now for a bowl of butter.

Actually, its olive oil. Maybe you have heard of it. Some people dip bread in it. oooo-la la!

Outside of the clientele, the food was wonderful and so was the wine! I learned that red Zinfandel doesn't suck like that pink stuff does. Look at me learning! Woweewowwow!

Here we are at the crack of nine to be the first into Disney's MGM park. Totally worth it because within 15 minutes of entering the park we were the first on to the Rock and Roller Coaster...which was AWESOME and then fast passed for....

The Tower of Terror. Unflattering picture? Yes it is. Why? Because as Stefan is taking my picture, the Rock and Roller coaster line starts moving behind him and I am at this moment shouting "The line is moving, we've got to move!" I am sure we would have been stampeded otherwise, were it not for my hysterical shouting. FYI the Tower of Terror is awesome, even if you are forced to go on the ride with 16 year old idiot guys who try to impress their "maybe if i act stupid he'll like me" girls, who speak at a yell throughout the whole thing.
See, in this shot, it looks like Stefan is WEARING the Micky Fantasia hat. (See this whole thing is nothing like your Aunt's boring slide show of her trip to the grand canyon....SHUT UP!)

Ok, hilarious fake NYC back drop. What, no Twin Towers? Everything else in this park is 10 years old.

I won't begin to go into all the things that are wrong with this fake subway entrance. Lets just say it didn't smell like human feces so the authenticity was lost on me.So we are heading into the StarTours section...FYI again, simulator rides make Biz throw up in her mouth a bit...anyway, and there is a Storm Trooper...who apparently did want to ham it up with me...maybe because I ignored the line of small children with eyes a glow with the wonder for Star Wars. F that! I ain't waiting for children.

Ok, so as you walk through the park, there is this little courtyard with the weirdest collection of celebrity busts. Here is Stefan groping Oprah Winfrey's bust. Bust and Bust. I am awesome...and a bit jealous of Oprah right now.

Note: I liked MGM best when it came to crowd control. All the parks are like a hotbed for ignorance of others....giant people or kids on leashes or double wide stroller races....all wondering around with out thinking of the people around them..usually ramming in to each other. moving to slowly to care if people want to get around you etc...I know...what should I expect...how many people are like me and Stefan, just there to hit the rides, unencumbered by weight or children with a New York attitude of moving right along...but what I am getting at is MGM is based on Hollywood so it has "Streets" with lines down the middle and people for the most part miraculously obeyed the same rules of traffic in this set up. IT WAS GREAT! We should paint lines everywhere!

You know what? Chicken Butt. (I am like a bar of comedy gold.) Ok, you know what? I am going to stop here. I will be back later this week with more Disney pics, including the water park and disappointing Epcot!

Badda-Bye

I don't know about you - but only three episodes left and I'm already feeling a void in my heart that not even a box of cannolis can fix.

On June 11th, don't even talk to me.

I'm just going to need a little time, is all...

Oh, Chris-tuh-fuh!
WHYYYYYYYYYY?
J.

Séance Reveals Dead Woman’s Plans to Sue Adult Contemporary ‘Pop’ Singer

-Huntington Beach, Ca.

To many adults in their mid 30’s to late 40’s, the Corrine Bailey Rae surprise ‘hit’ Girl Put Your Records On is a delightful hook you listen to while riding your bike in the summer, or hum while petting your cat in a sun-spot on a knitting break, but for Alice Bjornsen Girl Put Your Records On is an aural nightmare which may have been the actual cause of Ms. Bjornsen’s death, and not suicide as widely believed by friends and family.

Alice Bjornsen (39) died March 16th, 2007 of what the coroner’s report described as an overdose of the prescription drug oxycondin, but a séance with Ms. Bjornsen revealed more: “Girl Put Your Records On by Corrine Bailey Rae is what killed me. I had no intention to take my own life. It was a combination of many factors…..and I think I’m going to sue Corrine Bailey Rae.”

Ms. Bjornsen had been recovering from having her last two wisdom teeth pulled when she decided to up her dose by a few pills. “I figured if I took the days off of work and I have this prescription, I might as well just take a few more and watch Season Two of Lost again even though I know what happens. I was in the mood for some of the flashbacks”. Ms. Bjornsen went on: “I got all cozy and started flipping channels when I passed Vh1 and saw the video for Girl Put Your Records On. I had been hearing this song everywhere…everywhere! I was so, so sick of this song, and I would make fun of it all the time because it really and truly is the most annoying song since Money for Nothing by Dire Straits. Or even Walking in Memphis! I decided to go online and find out all I could about Corrine Bailey Rae because sometimes when someone really annoys you that much, you want to just read all about them. You know….to find out why they’re so stupid. Anyway….I sat at the computer and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was kind of dizzy and didn’t know if I had taken my meds, so I took three more and I guess that was a bad idea. But I’ll have my day in court. I’m just sorry that my last act in life was looking up information on Corrine Bailey Rae. Now who’s the stupid one?”

Wes and Marley Bjornsen (Alice’s brother and sister in-law) were present for the séance but are doubtful about the chances of a lawsuit. “We are devastated, but I don’t think Alice’s chances are that great” said Wes, “I want to be on her side, I miss her more than anything in the world but I don’t think that suing Corrine Bailey Rae is realistic. For one thing Corrine Bailey Rae is a star and stars are really hard to sue”. Added Marley Bjornsen “Alice just didn’t get the song. I love that song! When I go to Starbucks and they play it, it so makes my morning better. I so want Jack Johnson and Corrine Bailey Rae to maybe like, do a Starbucks tour together. And Norah Jones! That would totally rock! Can you imagine? The three of them? That would be so great!”

Through Alice Bjornsen has found a law student open to the idea of representing her, she knows what they’re up against but remains optimistic considering the circumstances. “I know I was confused and it probably was my fault, but seriously – people need to stop playing that record. It’s point-blank horrible and distracting. If I had just started watching Lost without checking out music videos first, then I would be back at work and feeling fine…and probably switching radio stations whenever they’d play Girl Put Your Records On, just like normal. At the very least...I’d be alive.”

J.

I......Was.....Kid.....Ding.

Remember the last post? I thought it would be hilarious to write fake Lifetime movie ideas? A few starring Jack Wagner and Judith Light? And Tracy Gold?

As it turns out, the three of them did a Lifetime Network movie together called Lady Killer (see above suspenseful poster.)

It's not really that suprising, except for that earlier today I came across this while flipping channels. I posted the Lifetime ideas on Tuesday. ("Whaaaaaat?")

Jack Wagner plays a high-powered plastic surgeon and an architect; in every scene he's having a glass of wine, looking at blueprints and listening to shitty Enigma-type music in his Success Loft. It hurt my eyes and ears the whole time. There's murder and betrayal and if every scene wasn't filmed in British Columbia then I don't know where the fuck they filmed it. The last shot was Judith Light holding her wounded husband who was shot in the snow, while Tracy Gold runs off to get help. The camera pans over to Dead Jack Wagner (who was pushed off of a lighthouse by Judith Light moments before), then pans over to the horizon where the ice meets the sky. I had to watch the whole thing and boy am I glad to tell you that. No, no one forced me.

I forgot: at one point, Jack Wagner and Judith Light's heads grow to be 4,000 feet tall and kill people with their eyes in a forest.

(see above suspenseful poster.)
J.

No Jacket Required....(for Baby Stealing!)

Lifetime Channel movie ideas using only Phil Collins songs. Ready?

("Hold o-ohn / Hold on....")

1. 'Separate Lives'

A high powered Vancouver BC lawyer ('thirtysomething's Ken Olin) drunk on all the lawyer power and suit wearing decides to marry two women: a kindergarten teacher (Yasmeen Bleeth) and an old kindergarten teacher (Jill Eikenberry.) Living 'Separate Lives', he decieves both - ending in betrayal, murder, lies and crying. The last shot is a close-up of a single red rose on a grand piano, a string of pearls, a flute of champange, a saxophone and tears and blood on all of these items (while police lights reflect). Don't ask me why. All I know is that's how it ends.

2. 'Sussudio'

A high powered Vancouver BC perfume executive (Jack Wagner) decides to put his latest perfume launch on hold when a sexy stranger dressed in red (Yasmeen Bleeth) gives him the formula for 'Sussudio' - a perfume for grandpas. The perfume is proven successful, until the scent takes over the town (which means that grandpas take over the town), there's murder and betrayal and the last shot is a close-up of an empty bottle of 'Sussudio' and a dead old man holding a single red rose. And it's raining (while police lights reflect).

3. 'Playing for Keeps'

High powered Vancouver BC architect (James Brolin) has eyes only for his tiny wife (Tracy Gold). She meets a tennis instructor (Matt Lantanzi) and they run off together. 'Playing for Keeps', it is then that (James Brolin's) eyes turn to hate, as he chases the couple in a game of cross country murder. The last shot is a close up of a tennis raquet, cashmere sweater, pearls, a single red rose, blood and a framed photo of James Brolin and Tracy Gold in happier times (while police lights reflect).

4. 'Take Me Home'
A college student at Vancouver BC University (Robin Givens) is pregnant by a date-raper (James Wilder) and has a choice to make as she nears the birth and graduation. Turning to a teacher for help (Judith Light) the student starts having nightmares about her baby being stolen by Melissa Gilbert and Tracy Gold dressed in robes. Her nightmares are proven true as Melissa Gilbert and Tracy Gold steal the baby and eat it. The last shot is Robin Givens binge drinking in the library followed by a close-up of a dinosaur.

THEEE END!
J.