That's you when you grow up...

Seriously Biz. I've seen your future.

Jord (found by Ted)

WEIRD ALERT!

OK....are you ready for the creepiness that is this....

http://www.theapiary.org/

Incase it has moved, it is the one about the Halloween costume winner. I was just notified of this.

I am very weirded out.

My Week Of Me: DAKOTA FANNING

(By Dakota Fanning)

Jesus! I need to take drastic measures. I don't know if I'm 10 or 37 - I really don't.

Today I made the mistake of actually sharing these feelings with a P.A. whom I thought was open minded (she was talking about metaphysics, so...) I told her of my predicament, so what did she do? She thought it was so adorable that I wasn't sure if I was a kid or not, that she told the whole crew, who wouldn't take my near panic-attacky feelings seriously. I tried convincing so many people that I may be literally trapped in the wrong body, and they just kept saying: "Wow! You sound so grown-up!" When I hit the beyond frustrated wall and started crying, I got: "Wow! How do you just cry like that? Do you think of dead puppies?" I mean seriously! I'm going out of my wee skull. How do I know this isn't some gypsy curse?

I got out of Halle Berry's niece's tea party. I told the cops that Halle Berry molested me. I think I said: "Halle Berry showed me her Oscar, but it looked like her vagina".

I did that around 12 today. It's....7:40P now and I'm feeling kind of bad about it.

THURS 10/13:
Halle Barry has been arrested - HA-HA! Hooker.

FRI 10/14:
I'm gonna just.....ARGH!

My agent signed me up to do a movie with "Hacky" De Niro again about...get this...mobsters who have no choice (none!) but to hide out in an Olympic Village and pose as athletes. One of the mobsters actually ends up winning a gold medal at the end and is inspired to turn his life around thanks to: "a precocious young gymnast" (<---who could that be?)

Somehow I have to find a way to trade souls with a penguin, and I need to do this fast before
"Mafi Athletes" (<---SPEW!) starts filming.

I'm going to throw up aaaaaaall over myself and blame Halle Berry.
G'Night.

SAT 10/15:
Today I had to go film an ice skating segment with Katie Couric for an upcoming Holiday Special featuring Hillary Duff. I think it's called: "Hillary Duff's Insane Shitty Christmas Special". IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE DEGRADING but I'll share:

Katie Couric and I (she's a tree, I'm a candy cane) skate around until we're supposedly skating "so fast" in circles that we summon Maroon 5 from prehistoric times. Suddenly there's Hilary Duff dressed as a....Christmas cavegirl (? I couldn't tell or didn't care) and then she does a number....there's elves....fuck knows. It's shitty.

I snuck into the alley where all the PA's were smoking and I breathed deeply.

SUN 10/16:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been knocking on my door to go have a picnic....for the last four fucking hours. I've been hiding here in the bathroom all this time. Is this what scientologists are trained to do? Knock on a person's door for hours and never give up? Keep knocking, Crazies. Next time I'll smear my door with poo.

The Past Week of Me: DAKOTA FANNING

(By Dakota Fanning)

MON 10/10:
Good Morning Me,

So......I still creep out adults. Adults won't look me in the eye when I talk to them. I don't really blame them...I AM sending out subtle signals through my gigantic blue eyes that say: "something isn't quite right with me". Oh well...I'm off to do another interview. This time I have to dumb myself down even more. The last time I said too many "wise" things that convinced the public (jokingly) that I may be an older "wiser" person trapped inside a wee body of a little girl...which I could be. I don't know. Somehow this caused my agent to slap me across the room. I have no clue why. All I know for now is that I creep out adults.

I have to put up with Steven Speilberg tomorrow (gag). ALL DAY!

TUE 10/11:
You know what sucks?

When you've been shooting for about 18 hours, they won't let you drink coffee, the director explains everything to you like you're a retarded goat...and then after spending about 8 of these hours in a pool/tank with Tom Cruise (who just won't knock it off!) the crew all heads out for a drink (which you could really use) but it's back to the hotel with you where another plush unicorn gift basket from Sony awaits...along with an invitation to a tea party thrown by Halle Berry's nieces. What?! What the fuck? Do I even know you, Halle Berry you hooker?

I'm going to take up smoking and then smoke really hard.

Hold On!

Just a minute...

Looks like we forgot to feed the kitty

Andbythatimeanwriteinourblog. Funnythingaboutmylaptop....thespacebardoesn't workvery well. Iam hitting itbutitonlyreadsitevery fewwordsorsoanditis amajor paintogo backandreally make thespace bar work.
i
could
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Eat upkitty.

There's A Fire

So....I'm walking to my latest temp gig at 6:45am from the train, humming along to OK GO's (tribute to The Cure) "There's A Fire", when I started to smell camping smoke. Sure enough, up ahead.....there was a fire. It was already put out and there was no real damage done to the unfortunate structure, so I searched the ol' iPod list for a song called: "There's Biz Washing A Vespa In A Bikini".

Sure enough, up ahead.....there was a meth addict peeing in a garbage can.

And another Precious Moment was born.

I'm so excited for Biz and "Gert Leif" to get it on!

Jesus Christ!

I can't get over how HOT the Gert Johnnys are. Jordi, how do you keep yourself from dressing Ted up in those outfits!
God I am so good at photo editing. This looks completely real. I fell like I am realy IN the picture!

HALLO!

HALLO!

It is me...German Pop Superstar HEINO. I am for giving the "shouts out" to many American friends I have know during the past year as I, (HEINO) is on the tour.

I want to say "Hallo" to the big dogs und sexy easy ladies! (you know who are you!)

Last week I, (HEINO) went to an American roller skating rink...what special was about it - was that HEINO (that's me!) did not know that you can skate and eat hot dogs at the same time! It was crazy fun.


Having fun skating night was like the Giant Squid having joy at seeing an ocean liner full of passengers up ahead! Or having a bouquet of roses that are about to explode! I am for laughter today! HA- HA!

Time for THIS HEINO to go walk my German Pinscher, Typhoon.

HALLO! (<---meaning 'goodbye')
Super Kisses,
-GERMAN POP SUPERSTAR HEINO

POSTING PICTURE TEST

PHEW!

It looks like Swedish folk bands The Gert Jonnys and The Cool Candys made it safe and sound to the post!

YAY!
-Jord.

Tom Brokaw Diary, excerpt 3

Dear Diary,

Today I won the Peabody award…for sexiness. Ha ha ha…I wish, Diary. Ahhhh, Dairy, I should retire soon, but what would I do with my time? Maybe I could use my investigative skills to seek out the truth on certain issues. I have always wondered what happened to Mayor McCheese. He was such a good man slash burger…I guess making him a “burgerman.” You know he was a prominent figure back in the 70’s, hell he was Mayor McCheese, the leader of McDonaldland, but all of a sudden he has disappeared from the spotlight and yet there has been no word or an election process or any other event that would explain his disappearance. When the sun went missing from Mcdonaldland because someone was frowning, the town practically shut down in order to find the missing sun, yet Mayor McCheese hasn’t been heard from in over 20 years and no one gives a damn! Well, I, Tom Brokaw give a damn! First thing tomorrow morning I am going to get to the bottom of this. Hold on Diary, I have to pee. Ok, I am back, where was I, oh yeah, Mayor McCheese…eh…it doesn’t seem so important now. Oh, well goodnight Diary.

TEMP Game Comment

I love these games Jordi.

A game that i played when i temped and still play now in a full time role is "How long can i take this mundane, lifeforce sucking, enviornment before I become completely dead inside?"

While i am technically playing by myself..i am winning.

TEMP GAMES!

Bored? A temp? Play these!

1. "CELEBRITY KIND-A-LIKES"
Today I worked alongside these almost look-a-like "celebrities":

"Peter Krause" and "Michael C. Hall" (Nate and David Fisher from "Six Feet Under"!) Would you believe the Almost Fisher Brothers? In the same office? Now that's batty!
HIGHGLIGHT OF "CELEBRITY" INTERACTION: When "Nate" and "David" stood by the communal bag of pretzels at my desk and made small talk. It was SO much like kind of like being in the show...I swear I died and faded to white......(Almost).

"Goldie Hawn" is the woman I was covering for...but she's actually more of a direct look-a-like. "Goldie" was very nice.

"The Cowardly Lion" (but without the lion costume). I wanted him to say "Put'em up! Put'em up!" But he never did.

"Patti LuPone" (the Mom From "Life Goes On"). She was there, but sadly no "Corky".

"Jeremy London" (He was in things) and "John Corbett" ("Northern Exposure, "Sex and the City"), but these are KIND OF likes, so don't get too excited.

"Bobby Sherman / Alan Thicke Hybrid" (Trust me).

"Lebanese Susan Sarandon" who loaned me her stapler. An extremely attractive woman.

These are the only people in this section of the building I can tie an "alike" to, though I did run into "Kelly Lynch" (hot doctor from "Roadhouse", right Dusty?) in the ladies' room.

2. "WHO WILL OUTLIVE THE KILLING FROSTY SNOWSTORM?"
Today the Live-ers were: Anna, Chris K, Chris O, David, Dawn, Karen P, Caren, Daniel, Jay H, Jay J, Garry, Lydia and Harriett.

The Die-ers were: Michael S and Matt B. (<---They are dicks).

HAVE FUN PLAYING THESE!
I know I did.

-Jordi

Tom Brokaw Diary, excerpt 2

Dear Diary
The ghost of David Brinkley visited me in my dreams last night. He told me that if I loved the Greatest Generation then I should prevent the future generation from fucking everything up by killing every horny teenager I find. But where would I begin? I am chocking this nightmare up to that bologna sandwich I ate before retiring for the evening. Dreams are a funny thing, dear diary. They can teach you lessons or allow you to deal with the past, but more importantly they can allow you to live out your fantasies. In my dreams I am the WIZARD MASTER!

Tom Brokaw's Diary

So don't ask how I got it...just know that I got it.

Over the next few days I will share with you a daily excerpt from Tom Brokaw's Diary. Enjoy

xoxo, Biz

Dear Diary,
What a crappy day. First I was late to work because I couldn’t find my gray pants…not the Dockers, but the really nice ones, and I just had to find them or else I was going to go bananas. I searched everywhere only to discover them beneath Mr. Kronkite, my cat. Once I had my pants on, free of cat hair and was at the station, I discovered that I had arrived to late for the donuts. Goddamn it…I am the freaking go to guy for the news and I can’t get a chocolate covered creamed filled to save my life. The rest of the day was pretty much out of whack. Not even one of Stone Phillips “happy endings” massages could pull me out of my funk. The only things that bring me comfort tonight are back-to-back episodes of Full House, my kitty Mr. Kronkite, three bottles Wild Turkey and you diary. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Nothing Precious About Biz when she is angry...

So I am in a very angry mood. My old friend D-Rock and I use to talk in Monster Speak when we were angry...kinda like "Biz mad and want to smash everything! Biz no like day job and want to smash people who press against her on the subway and stomp to death people who don't cc her on important emails! RAH!"

For some reason, the idea of defacing something notoriously sweet made me feel better. What is the epitome of sweetness? Precious Moments.

So I search for Precious Moments...and I find this....it is entitled "IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE HEAVEN."

I'm back....sorry about leaving, but I had to go vomit. Look at this! It makes me shudder all over. This Precious Moment is described as "This is a Chapel Exclusive figurine that has been created by Sam Butcher to honor a young girl who has been fighting many of life's hard trials. Approx 5" tall."

Fighting many hard trials? What does that mean? More importantly, what is the figurine implying? Is it implying that if the little one in your life's life is so awful, that they would be better off in heaven..which they will be in soon? Look how sad everything in that figurine looks! Heaven seems awful! "Hang in there precious, you'll be in dead soon."

Yikes

Yikes being said...

Forecast For Halloween: STILL SEXY!

That's right.

My favorite holiday is coming, and though I usually make something the night before or have a skilled friend sew it for forty bucks and dinner, I can't help but look at all the online Halloween "Sexy" additions to costumes. Not only do I love the titles of the outfits, but how they make something like a worker bee.....SEXY! Here's some new additions with their actual titles. I'm an idiot and can't post pictures, but please take the journey anyway:

SEXY VEGAS BEE!:
Think of a showgirl + bee costume = SEXY VEGAS BEE! (I hope I don't become addicted to gambling on the sexy of THIS costume!)

SEXY INDIAN!:
Stereotyping Native Americans has never been this sexy, awkwardly posed with a tomahawk....or blonde! (According to the picture).

SEXY ALICE IN WONDERPLACE!:
I think it's sexy "Alice in Wonderland". But I'm just guessing.

SEXY COOKIE TROOPER!:
I'll take 2 boxes of Thin Mints, 2 Samoas....and 1 box of kiddie porn!

SEXY PETER PAN!:
It's Peter Pan.....but SEXY! (Sandy Duncan, take note).

CONFEDERATE CUTIE!:
With the confederate flag AS the top, I can't decide between getting this or "Racist Cutie".

SEXY UNCLE SAM!:
I Want YOU...(to throw up in my mouth).

NUN SEXY!:
No big suprise of a sexy nun costume...but I love the name. It's like Prince's "Lovesexy".

SEXY DETECTIVE!:
This one is a tricked out sexy Sherlock Holmes outfit. Elementary INDEED.

SEXY EXECUTIONER!:
This is when they started running out of ideas. Right next to it was SEXY MAIL DELIVERY GIRL! Which is actually pretty sexy.

SEXAQUITA!:
The actual description of this costume is: "Very sexy costume!" It kind of looks like a Carmen Miranda outfit. It wasn't half as sexy as Sexy Mail Delivery Girl.

SEXY PILGRIM!:
Way to shoot some sexy into my least favorite holiday - Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong - I'm thankful for a lot of things...I just don't like Thanksgiving. I LOVE Sexy Pilgrims, though.

WHAT DID THEY LEAVE OUT?
I'd like to see these for sale:

SEXY GRAHAM CRACKER
SEXY DENTAL PLIERS
SEXY BAG OF FUNIONS
SEXY LARRY KING
SEXY KEVIN CHESLEY AS A GIRL
SEXY HOBO
SEXY UPS NEXT BUSINESS DAY ENVELOPE
SEXY TOILET
and
SEXY BUS TRANSFER

I'm all out of sexy....maybe Biz has some to spare?
(She's always full of sexy!)

Posted By Jordi

I totally have some to add... By Biz

Sexy Family Circus Mom - this is so obvious.


Sexy Dead Woman - don't forget to commemorate violence against women this Halloween..and lets make it sexy.

Sexy World Trade Center Tower - Let's always remember...to keep using a tragedy for our own gains...sexy gains.

Sexy Hot Pocket - Tender and flakey on the outside - hot and spicey on the inside - sexy all over.

Sexy Slut - Knee pads and a willingness to let everyone "handle" you is all you need to be the bell of the ball this Halloween.

Sexy Whore - See Sexy Slut minus the knee pads.

Other:

Sexy Staple Remover
Sexy Chef Boyardee
Sexy Poland Spring Water Bottle
Sexy Invisible Girl


Posted by Biz

Now Bask in Sexy Kevin Chesley Dressed As Laura Croft from Tomb Raider