Aw Yeah.

Biz's New Boyfriend
-Jordi

Charlie Bucket Could've Gotten In There...

(Part Two of Probably Uneccessary Rant Against Naomi Watts To Come Later...)

Until then - this was inspired by today's entry in the Elephnat Larry blog (by the always intriguing and cosmopolitain Chris Principe) about the Hershey's site.

The original "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" was on the other night - and even though I've seen it a billion times, I get sucked in...but I also get mad at the same part:

Ever since I first saw it as a child, I always wondered the same thing: if all the kids at the candy shop after school weren't paying for their candy during "The Candyman" frenzy, then why could'nt Charlie get in there? It would've been so easy. While the Candy Perv sings, he literally rains gumdrops on the kids, chucks candy bars at them, makes them lemon sodas from a fountain, pulls taffy ropes and hurls them all over the place, while the children all rabidly chew on everything. He finally lets them run behind the counter where they diminish more invetory...unaccounted for! Meanwhile, My Dear Boy Charlie Bucket has his gaunt face pressed against the window as if witnessing something he could never be a part of.

I know it's stupid, and I know the story would make no sense, and I know that if Charlie did that, he wouldn't be Charlie Bucket, The Sweetest Boy In The Whole World...but STILL. To this day. I get so frustrated...

This time I threw one of my dog's toys at the screen and yelled: "Jesus Charlie!".
-Jord.

KONG Is Opening...Time To Check Your LOYALTY. (Part One)

That's right.

Sure, it's time to tell yourself: "Boy, 'KONG' sure looks fantastic and I can't wait to see it", but take it from me - it's really time to ASK yourself: "Should I give Naomi Watts my hard earned money right off the bat? Shouldn't I give her a little scare opening weekend? I mean after all - she DID call my friend Jordi Barnes "TOO UGLY" to be in a school cabaret-type dance review in high school".

"WHAT?!!" I hear you sputter. I'll back up.

In Australia I went to a school called Mosman High. In the 10th grade we met a new student; she already came with instant glamour because her dad was a road manager for Pink Floyd and her mum was a fashion designer. Her name was Naomi Watts and I desperately wanted her to be my new best friend because she got away with wearing non-school uniform boots from Kings Road in London. She wore whatever shoes she wanted and never got sent home. Her dad would take her out for scampi at lunchtime, she got to wear makeup and she had charisma in spades.

She was also friends with a local succesful model named Nicole Kidman who went to North Sydnery Girls over the hill.

One year, it was decided by a favorite teacher Mr. Taylor to enter the school in a radio station sponsored event called The High School Rock Eisteadford. All the schools had to do was pick a song, work out a routine, interpret the song and perform it at the Syndey Entertainment Centre. The winners received heaps of cash for their school and got to meet Aussie pop stars The Radiators. Mr. Taylor taught history, but his real love was theatre. For our history final we watched "Blazing Saddles". We all got A's. I'm not kidding.

After posting a notice and getting the word out, a Mosman High Dance Team group was born. The song was picked ("Spies in the Night" by Manhattan Transfer) and the theme (James Bond). As my friend Sharon Scott-Holland and I waited to hear what we'd be doing, there was Naomi in the gym, surrounded by admirers. She had such a luminous quality. Her Kings Road boots begging me to borrow them....I will never forget those boots.

I figured that the boots gave me an excuse to talk to her. Still waiting for Mr. Taylor - I sauntered over...my acne pounding with pain, my braces freshly tightened, my perm screaming for someone to burn all my hair off...my shoes, hideous black Oxfords. Shoes of "the uniform". Shoes like everyone else except Naomi. I approached, and she was already backing away slightly as if I were offering poo on a stick for her to smell. "Hi" I said. "Hello" she said. "I LOVE your boots! Where did you get them?" Naomi shifted her eyes searching for someone to rescue her from this lame-O who dared to talk to her, but no one was within saving distance. "London" was her frosty reply. "Neat!" I said, instantly regretting it. She saw Mr. Taylor and instantly made a bee line for him. I went back and stood with Sharon and listened as the parts of the James Bond dance were doled out. The Bond Girls were Michelle Boram, Selina Starkey and Naomi (naturally). The dancers were cast. Nick Wellinski was James Bond. "And I haven't forgotten about you three" Mr. Taylor pointed in our direction "Sharon, Amanda and Jordana...you are going to play a very important part in this project. You three are going to be helpers!"

Oh yay.

(To be continured...)
-Jordi.

Dear Diary Part 4

Enjoy.

1/20/99

Well exams are over and I’ve got my license & I’ve partied all weekend. Exams went ok. Thursday night I went to Rob’s party. It was fun. I flirted with Michael Sp. A lot. I told Josh I liked him (Michael) and found out he wasn’t going out with anyone. YEAH! He asked Mike how he knew me and Mike said “I’ve known her for awhile>’ So Josh said “why don’t you ask her out.” He said he would but it seemed I was interested in Nick! Whoa! Nope. So I’ll hope he asks me out. Friday night I went to Lance Green’s party with Emo & Mary. My mom thought we were at the movies. I ended up spending the night w/ Emo and Mary at Emo’s house. Her parents were out of town. We didn’t get in till 2:30am. After the party we goofed off w/ Josh, Presley, Harpreet, Dave (Jr.) and Dave (Sr). By 2:#0 it was just Presley and Dave (Sr.) We went to Emo’s and watched Stand By Me. Presley and I were on the couch. It seemed like he liked me. When I took him home he seemed to genuinely want me to go to Harpreet’s the next night. So I called him today and he gave me a ride, but when we got there he didn’t really talk to me much. I felt uncomfortable there somehow. I don’t know. Michael was supposed to come over but never showed up. L Harpreet is so cute. I hate myself for just noticing this. He leaves in a week for Wash. DC to be a congressional page. Wow. That’s so great. I’m in the weirdest mood.

How do I know that my Mr. Right isn’t right here? Maybe I don’t know him. Maybe I do but don’t like him. Maybe he doesn’t give me the time of day, Maybe he’s 10 years older & I wasn’t born early enough. I want to go out with someone very badly. For fun at first, maybe developing into more serious stuff later. I feel so empty all of a sudden. It’s weird. I wish I could get rid of this feeling. Krista shall hopefully call in a minute. Maybe she talked to Presley. I really miss my sister. I can’t even call her.

1/21/09

Whoopi! My dad is thinking of accepting a job in Birmingham at UAB. Meaning we’d move to B’ham. That would be the best. I love it there. I’d stay and finish up this semester and then move over the summer. That would be the best. My Dad has to make his answer Wednesday, I can’t tell anyone till then. If we definitely move, then I am going to go haywire in T’town. I’m going to mess around with every guy I’ve ever wanted to. I’ll never see them again except on weekends occasionally. I’d want to go out with Craig, Marty, Joe Phifer, Banks, Clint, Michael, Rob, Booby, Presely, Danny, Nate, Jeffrey, Rosh, Chris Hope, Ram, and on and on. I’m gonna go crazy. When I get to B’ham I could be closer to camp and my good friends. I could go out with Ted, Matt Hunter, Chad & all those other guys. I get to choose what school to go to. Renee will be at Stamford in B’ham meaning I’ll be able to stay with her. I’m so happy> I really hope he takes the job. In the great scheme of things this is only a few months away! YAY!

Dear Diary Part 3

A few things...It may appear that i was incredibly popular...but my recording of the events and people's responses to me are a bit like the person in the nut house who swears they are Michael Jackson. They believe it, but it isn't true. I was a fringe person who got to go everywhere put was never part of the actual gang. OF course, I could have just had serious self esteem issues that crippled my chance to have normal relationships. thhpt...I am going for everyone hated me. HA HA HA

Ok...for those just joining...I'm 15, in Alabama, Helen is my sister, I use Oh Well way too much and I really don't remember a lot of these people. I will admit, Laurie, Kim, Shellie and Alison are coming back.This is my actual diary...no entries have been skipped.I have to have periodontal surgery today so I won't be around the next few days, so I am giving you 4, count them, 4 entries to tide you over. The first three are pretty boring, but I really "grow up" in the last one

1/7/90

Well the rest of my weekend has been ok. I haven’t gone out and done anything, I just worked on my sketch and paper. Oh well. My b’day is only 5 days away. I’ve talked to Steve frequently on the phone (GOD I WISH I COULD REMEMBER WHO THE HECK STEVE IS!) FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS. Josh seems to like Hilary. I’ll have to see how she feels tomorrow. Josh says he’s gonna tray and swing it so Chris asks me out. That would be nice. Oh well.

1/8/90
Well today was ok. I talked to Craig, Marty, Ram & Chris. They’re so cute. My sister leaves tomorrow for London. I guess I’ll miss her a lot. We’ve gotten along really well for the first time in years. It was neat. I hope Jon is there at the airport to meet her and I hope things work out for her with him. I hope she has a safe trip over there and she has fun. I’ll really miss her. I think I’ll make her a care package. Be back.

1/9/90

Well Helen’s off. She should be there by now. I hope she’s safe. I miss her a lot. School was boring so Shellie & I skipped 6th period and cruised. She wasn’t as fun as my sister. Its weird, for the past few days I’ll be happy all day, no reason, just happy, then at home something will click and someone will say something to me & I bawl. Its very confusing! Alison says she’ll hint around to Marty about me and Josh says he’ll hint to Dave. Those are the two that are the best chance. Nick wasn’t in school today. I missed him. Buddy, when I get my license, I’m gonna ask him out.

1/14/90

Well, I’m 16. Yesterday was my B’day. A lot happened (Mental) wise this weekend. Friday I was in the mall with Shellie & I swallowed a taco shell. (In my diary I drew the shape of the taco shell…it was a triangle…HA HA HA) It got caught in my throat going down. At first I couldn’t tell if I was choking or not. Shellie goes “I hope you aren’t doing what I think your doing cause I wouldn’t know what to do.” Great. Luckily it was only stuck & I could breathe. I figured I should get some bread to help it go down. I went over to Sneaky Petes (hot dog place) and said “This is an emergancey. I need a piece of bread. “ The woman looked at me and said “A piece of bread? Is that all you want?” YES! Now the bread didn’t help at all. It really hurt. I was shaking and stuff. I asked Shellie to get me ice cream. She replies “what flavor?” Classic. While I was waiting I began saying to myself, I can’t cry, cough, puke or hiccup w/out the chance of choking. I really thought about death for the first time. It really made me appreciate my life more.

I got a lot of Disney stuff for my birthday, washed my car & drove around with Shellie & Presley. It was fun. Today in Monday & my first exams are tomorrow. Plus I’m getting my drivers test. YAY. I want to pass so badly. Shellie’s taking me cause my parents can’t. Kevin and I really talked a lot today. Kim found a note to him and they got in a fight over me! She’s jealous of me which blows my mind! Shellie was saying Kevin was standing up for me. She said “Kim was jealous of you cause you’re prettier than she is.” NO WAY! Kim is gorgeous. I’m not gonna let her jealousy stop me from being friends with him. If she doesn’t feel that she is secure enough about herself & her & Kevin’s relationship then that’s her problem. I’m not gonna let her insecurity prevent me from having friends. I really like Kevin a lot and want us to be friends. Oh well!

Somebody pinch me

Jordi...you are so sweet. It is nice to feel loved and welcomed back.

Now on to important stuff...more innapropriate talk about make out with illegally young boys. Any second now the FBI will be at our doors.

Now, I have made it clear that I want Ron Weasley inside me. Look, I have no desire to know his real name...he is too hot for that. I would like to remind you and all three of you who frequent here, that I have a serious crush on Seth Green. He is the only one on my "sorry lover, but if I had the chance to "grub" with one celebrity" list. Stefan is resigned to this.

I just think he would dig MEAT and me and we would be good pals. When any of you people get rich and famous, I only ask that you invite me to a party that Seth is at and introduce us casually so it doesn't seem weird.

I guess it is already weird isn't it?

Now enjoy Biz's fantasy sandwich....BWA HA HA....I am the master of Powerpoint.

Dear Diary Part 2

Quick reminder....This is from when i was 15 in Alabama. Helen is my sister. Grub means make out. The previous two entries are in a previous post title Dear Diary.

Enjoy


1/4/90

Well todays not quite so good. I totally got my “Mr. Cranky today. My stomach is killing me. AHG! Oh well. Tomorrow night is Josh’s party. I hope Chris isn’t there ad I wish Nick could go. Yes, I’m beginning to get the hots for him again. OH WELL. I wish I could check out (from school) but if I did then my mom wouldn’t let me out (later that night or weekend). Shit. I really need to get a topic for my research paper. I feel awful for some reason. Maybe PMS. Elizabeth Standard and Rosh are so cute. I hope we don’t have to turn in our math homework. I didn’t get to finish. Nick looks so good today. He is this awesome Polo shirt.

1/5/90

Whoa! This was the best night. So much fun. Ok, you see Josh was having this party. I told my parents I was going to dinner with Shellie and then a 9 o’clock movie. Shellie couldn’t get the car so Kristen Vold took me and Mary D. We got there and Elizabeth Standard and Rosh were there. We kinda bummed. Then Julien, Jenn H & Scott M showed up. Eh eh. Then Rob, Jonothan B, Steven & Scott R, Shellie, Leslie, Laurie, Presley, Dave, Harpreet all kind appeared, then the “BEER CREW” came, Craig, Trent, Chris Hope & Chester (to name a few), so I started drinking and acting pretty drunk. I talked to Steven about Laurie. He’s a really sweety. Chris H rested against me. He was really gone. We played around in strobe lights. It was wild. Then I went outside and I saw the police. I chunked my drink and Chester appeared and said come on to the woods. So he and I ran down there. Bud, we could have seriously grubbed if Mary hadn’t come down there. We sat down there in the rain for 15 minutes. Finally I went up to see what was happening. It was so sad. The police were only telling Olivia to move her car. We were all soaked. We laugher so hard. That sobered me up. Mrs Hines asked (ha) us to leave. So everyone piled in cars and took off. A whole bunch of us went to Burger King to hang out. Then we went to my house, it was Presley, Harpreet, Rosh, Manda, Hilary, Josh, Mary and Dave. We had fun. I really had a good time. I felt people saw a new me & liked me. Chris was really nice and Chetser. It was wild. Presley and I really got along. I would do anything to be good friends w/ him. Dave & I finally really got along. I had a lot of fun with Harpreet & Jonathan, Rob, Scott R, and Rosh who really was interesting. He’s a real sweet guy. Now Steven & I got along really well. He’s so sweet. I wouldn’t mind going out w/ him. Presley asked me to come pick him up when I got my license. Bud, you know I will.

I want so badly to do more with any of these people. I’d love to just be at home and have the doorbell ring & it be any of these guys stopping by to say hello. Especially while Helen is home. I’d really like that anytime. I want to be the person that when they’re looking for something to do someone’ll say hey lets go to Elizabeth’s. That’d be soooooo great!!!!!! Really great. Well, maybe if I wish.

The Fonz Doesn't Like Carols

Heeeeeey,

After covering the front desk today at work where a radio station played nothing but Christmas carols, I know now more than ever that there are some Christmas songs that CAN'T be made to sound "cool" no matter who is singing it, the arrangement...any of those things.

"The Little Drummer Boy" is NOT a good song. David Bowie couldn't even save it. I have heard five different versions of it today and not one of them made me a fan. The worst was Michael Bolton (naturally) trying to stab it with "soul", but the song just ruptured and bled all over the carpet of my ears. It was horrible.

Boney M's version of "Mary's Boy Child" made me smile, as Boney M has one sound, and one sound only. Boney M are a harmless German calypso-disco band from the late 70's and they wear lots and lots and lots of gold. Other songs they have done have been about Rasputin and notorious bank robber Ma Baker - and all of it is pretty much the same song. They are very sweet and don't know any better (this version of "Mary's Boy Child" was used in "The Office Christmas Special"). Boney M are like a disco puppy.

I wouldn't mind going caroling this year, but I would only want to sing off of Billy Joel's "Glass Houses". Maybe that'll get me a well deserved cup of coccoa.

It was supposed to snow again, and it didn't. I need to not be so easily seduced by five-day forecast graphics.

-Jordi.

Welcome Back Kotter

This is just a note to say how amazing a Princess Pony Miss Ellis is. I was worried, now I'm not so worried. *phew!* Biz - there's a reason why you have an army of friends (from all over the country!) who would do anything for you. Thanks for being my East Coast Buttery Toast. I love you.
Sincerely,
Jordi.

PS - Ron Weasley is adorable, but the reason why I like Harry so much is because he reminds me of a younger more rape-able John Lennon.

Dear Diary

Hi! So it has been awhile since I have visited my own damn blog. I want to thank Jordi for keeping it real. The last month has kinda been…well..shitty…and every time I think to go and write on the blog I decide CSI is more entertaining and less “hard.” The week before Thanksgiving, my Papa needed to have emergency open heart surgery. That Monday I was on the phone hearing that he was going in for tests and then Tuesday the call is “he is going in tomorrow morning, you must come home now” as in, this may be the last time you see your Papa. So down I went. It was very intense. My father’s surgery was a complete success and if he takes care of himself he could live another 20 years. Of course, the trick here is taking care of yourself. He wasn’t the greatest at that to begin with. So I was down there for a week until we got him home and then I had to fly back and go right into periodontal surgery.

I am a yuck mouth.

Basically, they pull your gums open, file down some bone, graft in new bone and gum and then sew you back up. Just for “fun” they also pulled a tooth. Fantastic! I am the proud owner of a lisp. Adorable. To hear me say "sketchfest" is precious. (arrrg) They wouldn’t put me under for this, so I was only on Novocain. Guess what, I apparently have a crazy enzyme that breaks down Novocain rapidly, so I felt a majority of this.

Let me add that I have a serious issue with dentists. All procedures have been painful and I find doctors and dentists condescending so I have to xanex myself up when I go in.

Let’s add the fact that I had slept maybe 8 hours total the previous week while home and had still not resolved any emotional issues with my Papa’s surgery…so I was a wreck. The most I could mentally retain was Star Magazine.

The next few days I recovered in my apartment with the help of Livia Scott and Stefan Lawrence. She took days, he had nights and weekends.

There is no question that Livia is one the greatest friends I have had in my life. She took super good care of me and brought me Teen Beat Magazine and mocked the Tyra show with me. Stefan, well there is no other man who would have been as kind to me as he was. He sat next to me on the couch the whole time and held my hand and brought me jello and watched more TV than I think he has ever watched in his life.

The great news is they are brave enough to do it again this weekend when I go in for round two of the surgery.

This wasn’t going to be a long post…I was just going to do a quick intro to something and then move on. Hell, there are much better stories from my hell weeks that are actually amusing, like my inability to think rationally and how that played out in everyday life and the crazy volunteer at the hospital who sent me in to delusional, hysterical fits. Maybe I will rally and get those down on paper.

In the mean time, while I was home, I found my old journals from High school. They are hilarious. I have started reading a week from the life of me at a few places in NYC as I think they prove to be good material. I thought it might also be fun to post them here…you know, each day you can come and read a few days from me and my teen age angst. So here we go…

This is the first entry in my diary for 1990. I was 15 years old, living in Tuscaloosa, AL.

Helen is my sister.

Grub is my white trash slang for making out.

I say Oh Well as if it were going out of style. Oh well!

Other than that, I have no recollection of who any of these people are.

Enjoy.


1/2/90

Well it’s a brand new year and I’ve decided to keep a journal/diary sort of thing. I suppose I should make some kind of resolutions.

1990
Relax, take it easy and slow down
Make an effort in all relationships
KEEP UP MY GRADES!!

Only 11 days till my B’day. I’m really excited about it. I’m gonna turn 16! I know there has to be some privileges with that. I’m hoping for it to be a real turn in my life. I hope this will be a better, stronger year for me. School starts tomorrow. Exams are only 3 weeks away. YUCK! I really want some big things to start happening I also want to have real good friends. I do already but I want more. I have Shellie, Alison, Laurie, Jon, & Kim. I’d like to be closer to Susan, Krista, Chris, Presley, Danny & Hilary. I’m very confused about Chris we, I guess “like” each other. I really need to straighten things out w/ him. I’m gonna call him tonight & I might as well right now.

1/3/90

Well its homeroom and hers whats happened so far. Oh yeah I didn’t tell Chris how I felt. Kim and Kevin broke up. WHOA. She dumped him. I found out once again that last year when he found the note that said I liked him he had liked me too. Oh well. I saw Nick he looks good. I’d still like to grub with him. Maybe! J well exams are closer than I thought so I have only two weeks to study tonight. I’m in a good mood today, actually yeah kind of a goofy mood. Blissfully happy! Oh well. I’m really confused about Chris, I don’t know how I feel. Hey Hueytown plays us in basketball tonight. I want to go just to see if anyone I know is there. I’d love to see Ted. I also have to go to the library. I hope my mom lets me go. I really hope Travis is sent into the hall during 5th period today. I’d love to flirt w/ him. I’d love even more to go out with him. AHG oh well. I’m getting very tired of Laurie. She’s really stepping on guys. Oh well, I guess she’ll learn the hard way. (I do not believe she ever learned the hard way and successfully dated very hot guys through out high school), It turns out Kim and Kevin really didn’t break up. They just told everyone to see if we’d care. I don’t understand this method of lying to see how a person feels. And I still don’t understand why Laurie has to get or pretend to be drunk in order to be attractive. What happened to being a lady??? I feel I’ve got to grow up. In a mature way. So I am. ?! J ? Well I’m very interested in everyone. Hey I’ll make a list here to get it in order Chris, Ram, Presley, Travis, Nate, Conner Guy!, Michael, Craig, Matt (to grub), Bobby, Rob R., Nick, Joe Patton, Joe Phiefer, Banks, Chris Hope, Marty, even John Oldshoe one of Helen’s friends. He’s a doll. Now if these guys had ever heard of DATING! My life would be soooo much easier. I really can’t wait till I get my license. Josh’s party is Friday. I’m excited. I want to go and have FUN J Hopefully grub with a guy. Especially one that Laurie likes. No No I can’t be mean. Hee hee I hope tomorrow is better. I really do!

Ron Weasley

Quick catch up before the giant blog....

You can have Harry Potter...I want Ron. Dreamy red headed almost 18, Ron.

xoxo, Biz "pervert" Ellis

And in finding this picture...I found this.

http://www.hpana.com/af/2005/quidditch.scandal.cfm

People are way better at the internet than I am.

(Below Post Made No Sense Because of Technical Difficulties)

(i.e. the title only showing up)

I'm not a winter person at all - but if there's the potential of snow falling into our backyard any time soon, then that's SOMETHING. That's not just a grey sky or hours of rain or a so-so temperature...that's snow - making the wretched cold a little bit brighter, radder and asthetically pleasing.

Local Portland news stations are all about oversaturation. When one of the "Desperate Housewives" (the dead-voice over one) was in town to...I don't know...(use the rest room at the Chevron on Burnside?) she was assaulted with the Portland Media Action Machine, and now I'm almost positive that the woman would never want to come back here for anything.

Snow in the Portland Metro area is treated very much like this, and I damn them for also leading me on. All it takes is for them to say: "Will we see snow in the forecast? Stick around!", and I'll stick around. I'll stick around until after the baby panda footage. I'm sticking around even though I know the answer is no. If there really IS snow in the forecast - that's usually the leading story. Last night I got so giddy because channels 2, 6, 8 and 12 were promising...PROMISING snow and lots of it today. They promised. The only person who was right about the rain and no snow this morning was my husband Ted, who tried to not get my hopes up.

My philosophy regarding the weather is that I always believe the forecast I like the best. In this case, it was Channel 12. They told me what I wanted to hear, sounded really excited about it and their graphic looked like the friendliest clouds dropping the friendliest snowflakes with the brightest blue background. I'd say Channel 2 was the nay-sayee-est. Channel 2 was like the mother who would'nt let you lick the wooden spoon, or tried to really and truly get ALLLLL of the batter into the cake pan. Channel 12 would leave some batter in the bowl for a treat. Channel 12 is just like that.

Anyway...we don't have snow today, but at least Channel 12 gave me some hope. That's more than I can say for that whore Channel 2.
(-Jordi)